Happy New Year

I am starting this year out with HOPE! And lots of it. Right now 2 blog friends are KU and I'm so excited. I want 2011 to be a good year for all and I'm full of hope that it will be!

Happy New Year to all that stop by my blog... Without you, I wouldn't be filled with the hope.

I really tried...

Tried not to post anything else about my m/c... For my sanity and to move on and to not keep boring the few readers I have. I have noticed that I don't have as many readers since my preg and/or m/c and I accept that in this TTC blogland. So I tried to not dwell or post, but today... Well today I would have been 12 weeks 1 day, and I planned on telling my family/friends this weekend. And I just started thinking about it in the shower this morning and realized that I haven't even thought of a new gift to give my mom and grandma that will replace what I originally wanted.

I'm also back on the "now I wonder when I will ovulate or have a normal C" train. Here's hoping that since I don't get to have the hope of being pregnant, that I will at the very least ovulate in a normal time frame!

Following Suit

Thank you Angie for your post. It made me think about what I need to be greatful for rather than not wanting to post here because all I seem to think about when I log on is the past few months.

I am very happy for the blogger friends that recently got their BFP's and wish them the best of luck. Normally, I felt overjoyed for others, but I'm having a hard time getting on blogger. I don't know if it is just because of the recent events in my own life that I have so much self pity or what. But, I am going to be grateful for what I have and try not to dwell on this.

All this said, I am so excited about changes with my job. I get to go part-time the first of January. I was looking for part time when I got this job so when an opening happened, I jumped on it. My boss was thrilled since she has a hard time filling part time positions. I am moving to different things though. I am currently working with those that are homeless or going to be without our assistance. I love it most days, but I hate turning some away because they aren't at risk enough. I am now going to be the food bank casemanager/coordinator. I will be taking applications and doing eligibility for our food bank and coordination food drops and pickups. Less stress but still helping the community... Can't go wrong with that. Because I'm not on here much anymore, I'm wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and hope that you have a safe holiday filled with blessings.

Also, good luck and sticky vibes to my PUPO friends!

In Rememberance....

I have decided that 3 m/c's is enough to go through not to have a rememberance, especially with this one going to 9 weeks. I'm going to get a tattoo done but I'm just not sure how I want it yet. I can't move on from this, my heart hurts.

Can't explain it (trigs)

Ever since my D&C last Thursday, I just keep wondering if I did the right thing. I found a website, about Blighted Ovum, and read religiously for the weeks I was pregnant and kept holding out hope that I was just going to be a 'late bloomer' and I would keep going in to my dr appointments and miraculously, there would be a baby one day with a strong heartbeat. After the last u/s, I was 9 weeks, and still nothing and the dr said that the sac hadn't grown and it was only 1.5 cm, so I knew in my brain that I was not going to be a story from the website. I scheduled my D&C.

Now, I'm making myself sick because I can't help but wonder if I had given it a couple more weeks, what would have happened?

I guess that I should be really thankful and feel lucky because I never full on bled and even still I am only spotting and haven't had too much pain, but that only makes me doubt myself more. I had the suction D&C so I really shouldn't have as much pain/bleeding but my heart just makes my head second-guess itself.

I am sorry that I keep going over my m/c and this D&C, but I can't turn to anyone else. I am extremely sorry about my dear friends Angie and Erin that they too are m/c. My heart pours out to Christina, who has lost both of her parents in a matter of weeks. I'm sorry I haven't shown more support to you ladies and have seemed caught up by my own drama... You mean the world to me and I will continue to think about and pray for you.

Got to move my focus...

I realize that life goes on, but it isn't so easy when you lose something that had so much value. A pregnancy is priceless, its loss can not really be named. Today, however, I MUST shift my thoughts and heart to something that is real. Today my baby girl turns 9. It tugged at my heart strings the other night when she prayed to God that she could help cheer me up. She shouldn't be worried about something like that. I should be focused on her. So that is exactly what I'm going to do. Today, my focus shifts to her! She is my baby and may be the last one I have so I'm going to make sure she knows just how much I love her and don't want to have to hear her pray for me... That is my job for her. Thank you all for your support the last couple days I appreciate it!

Days like today....

• Make me sad that IF wins so many victories.
• Make me feel so lucky to have my wonderful kids, even more so that is was when I was young and innocent and didn't realize what IF was.
• Make me feel so incredibly lucky to have my Husband. He has been amazing and I know this is hard on him too and I love him so much for taking care of me.
• Make me realize just how great my friends are!

Today, I'm no longer pregnant again and I'm dealing with it, but I don't think we should have to 'deal' with it.

*Extra hugs to all my IF friends for having to go through this day after day. And prayers are with my friend, ANGIE, as she works through her own IF heartache... 

  

 

Its All Said and Done....

I go in tomorrow for my D&C. I'm supposed to be 9 weeks and hearing the flutter of a heartbeat, instead, I get to have my uterus cleaned out from an empty sac that a baby never grew into it. This sucks major!

Did I mention that this is really bad timing for my new job. I had a full schedule of people tomorrow and state auditors coming and I won't be there to help. I feel guilty that I'm doing this to my boss and coworkers. I know I can't help this, but I can't shake the guilt.

Whats Next?

So I called the dr office this morning to get the result of my Hcg thinking that it would be lower than the 3800 on Saturday's trip to the ER... Yeah, it was 5380. Didn't double in 3 days and apparently my body thinks that I'm pregnant even though there is nothing in the sac and stil really low number. So, I get to go back to the doctor on Weds, Dec 1st and for another check and the possibility of a D&C.... Just keeps getting better and better.... :(

FML

Empty Sac. 'Nuff said.

:*(

Because I'm Me....

Before I tell you why I titled the post, I have to tell you all Thank you for being there for me and I know that these posts are not easy to read for my TTC friends. Thank you so much for your continued support. Now hold on to your britches for some more trigs.

I am in complete denial. Wanna know why? Cause even after my last post, the flow never took off. It has only been a spot on/off for the last 5 days and yes mostly it has been that light orangy/pink and once in awhile it is more red, but it hasn't flowed to my pad. So I'm in Denial!

You wanna know something else?! Right now, I'M PREGNANT and regardless of what happens this afternoon at the doctor appointment, I'm pregnant right now. And I'm still dreaming of holding my little one and giving it lots of loves and I'm not ready to give that up. So, just because I'm crazy and in denial, I had to take another test to assure me that I am still pregnant.

That's right, no matter what happens this afternoon, I will treasure these two lines and the way I feel right now. I made it farther this time than with my other m/c and I have a sliver of hope.

Tears are Flowing

And thats not the only thing. :*(   Just forget my post from last night.

I guess reality is slapping me with the biggest stick on earth. I am bleeding, not heavily, but bright red with some small clots. This is going to get worse. I'm losing another baby. As much as I try to prepare myself mentally or as much as I try to keep faith, this just doesn't get easier.

Since I'm doing a 'poor me' post, I just realized that I'm going to be full on m/c by the time Thanksgiving comes... WONDERFUL >: (

Thank you all for your support and kind advice/words.

Hope

I still have a little bit left in me. Even after last night. I went to the ER, they had to call a radiologist in, she did the u/s and left and her boss sent the report in to the doctor. It read that is was an early gestational pregnancy that would probably a m/c. And I have 2 cysts, one on each ovary. The doctor said that my hcg is only 3800. He seems to think that I'm going to m/c, but somewhere in me I have this hope. I never had it before, but I have it now.

I asked him point blank if there was any chance I wouldn't m/c. I told him that I didn't want to get my hopes under false pretense but that I also didn't want to give up if there was a hope, he said there is a slim possibility and I would have to wait it out until my appt Tuesday with my dr. So now I wait. The bleeding stopped last night, but now as I sit here and type this at 2:30 a.m., it is back, the same as yesterday, not heavier, just the same.

I may have this spark of hope and it could result in nothing. If I m/c, this may mean the end. If I already have 2 cysts, they will probably start talking to me about the hysterectomy that seems inevitable. I'm really trying to keep my faith, but I'm finding it so hard!

update

My spotting is more. It still isn't enough to flow into my panties or where a liner but it is thick when I go to the RR and it is more Pinkish Red...Not bright a real light dull pink/red.

I called the clinic and they only have after hours at the family practice urgent care and they wouldn't have a vag u/s machine and stated they don't generally see threatening m/c, they just send you to a local ER. So I think I'm gonna try and wait and see if it gets any worse or possible goes away. I may end up going to the ER to be checked but honestly, I am more scared to go and have them tell me I might be m/c than being in denial and having hope....

Should I be worried since it isn't really a flow and just seems to be accummulating for when I wipe?  Also, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I have had absolutely no cramping at all.

Lost

Lost in thoughts and lost in heart. It came to my attention yesterday that I just haven't been around, thanks Sherry...

I am having a hard time getting on here and posting what I'm scared of for fear of upsetting someone. In my last post I told you my dr thinks that I was only around 5 wks and the sac was developing. In my opinion, not an MD, I should be further than that and I wonder if I have an empty sac. I'm so scared. I have been spotting off/on for a week very sporadic and mostly nothing. But today, is a little different. A little more. Still not what I would say is even a light flow, but spotting none the less. Friends who have been preg previously please help, whether you had a m/c or a baby in the end, I need input. It isn't bright red or dark red. It is more of a light orange red. Have any of you experienced this. With my 2 kids, I didn't spot at all and with my m/c, it was red and more.... HELP...

Sorry this is another preg post.

Trigs

So I just got home from my first appointment. I am feeling alot more relieved but still optimisticly cautious. There was a gestational sac and my lining is good and thick, so at very minimum this means it is not chemical or ectopic and my progesterone is working. My dr thinks I am still in the 5th week, though, because the sac is still growing and not fully developed and I'm going back on the 23rd for another u/s to make sure everything progresses. She seems to be very positive even with my history and I guess this is just where my faith needs to come in.


Thank you all for your continued support, I really appreciate it.

No News is Good News?

I am crossing my fingers that this is the case. I am hoping that the mere fact that I'm not even spotting is a good sign that the progesterone is working. I won't really know anything until I go into my appt Friday...man it seems so far away. Symptom wise, I am seeing more, but I think it is the nasty progesterone.... now seeing more fatigue, sore bbs and nausea/heartburn.... All of which I welcome if it means the pregnancy is viable!

On other news, my husband finally got another job. I don't remember if I went into all the details, but they were discriminating and harassing at his other job and we have it all documented. He goes in tomorrow to fill out all of his HR paperwork at the new job and I will be filing my report with the Dept of Labor for the previous job. The only reason I didn't already is because he didn't want the problems to get worse.. So yeah, I have a new job, he has a new job and we may be adding to the family.... I don't want to jinx it, but things are finally going great!

I know, I know

I said that I wasn't going to have a trigs post everyday, but right now with everything going on in my head and heart, I really can't help it. So please bear with me or maybe not read.

First I want to express frustration with this new Dr office that I found. I chose it because honestly, they do u/s at every appt with no additional cause and for peace of mind, I would love that. But now, I'm second guessing my decision. First, it was like pulling teeth just to have them do a Blood test. Then, I called back before my Weds draw to see if they would add progesterone because of my prev m/c, that was worse than pulling teeth. Then yesterday, when I thought this was all coming to an end because of the prog number, the stupid ass nurse bluntly just told me to take the progesterone and they will see me next Friday, because they don't just keep repeating blood work. I wanted to reach through the phone and rip her head off.

My first thought was you stupid chick, you use an outside lab, so what cost is it to your clinic to write out a piece of paper and let me go to the vampires. Seriously! And can't there be an exception to that when someone is 'threatening m/c', which is what they told me with the low prog number. They also do minimal infertility work and I swear that I would never in a million years go to them for infertility based on the way they have done things so far.

So know, I am looking around for a possible new dr, I haven't actually seen anyone in their office so I don't think that it matters and maybe someone else would want to monitor this nasty ass progesterone. Which leads me to the side effects of it. About an hour after I took the first pill, I started feeling icky, this has continued and I don't like it. But I would do anything to keep this baby growing and safe.

Update on Progesterone

So the Dr office called me back and put me on 200 mg of Progesterone Oral (Prometrium). I am also using the Progesterone cream from GNC. The nurse told me that the HCG level looks good and is rising so hopefully this will do the trick. I'm trying not to worry but at the same time, I have to let the reality sink in that I can't get my hopes up yet and that is the hardest part. I took my first pill as soon as I got it and now I'm feeling icky, but if it helps, I don't care!

Thank you all for talking me down...

NOT GOOD!

Beta#2 - 446
Progesterone - 6.9

My beta didn't quite double and my progesterone is SUPER low. The progesterone is supposed to be AT LEAST 10, I'm freaking out and I'm at a new job trying not to cry! Apparently googling progesterone levels is not good either as this is an indication of a threatening m/c.

Can't Complain

I really can't complain too much. I have a job, which, so far I think that I'm loving. Its stressful, there will be days that I might pull my hair out...but those days will be busy and go by fast. I love what I do! I get to help people who are homeless get into housing and help them make goals and become self-sufficient.

As far as the PG, I don't really want to talk too much about it because I know how it is being on the reading end of things. I will highlight things that are important as I want to have this to reflect on. I do apologize to those who will have a hard time in advance. I will be posting tomorrow for my 2nd Beta but I will try not to have trigs in every post.

As for the symptoms, other than the BB's being really tender/sore and getting bigger...I don't really notice anything. I am a little more tired but not enough that I would think its from the PG, I would just attribute it to the new job. Ok, enough on that.

I just want to thank you all for the support that you have given me and continue to give. I wish that I could be celebrating this with all of you, that is my dream. I continue to pray for all my TTC friends that the fertility wizard will find you.

And the number is....

252.

I was hoping for anything over 100. This would be based on the idea that my HCG was at least 20 last Tuesday, 40 Thursday, 80 Saturday and 160 Monday...so yeah....

Now I go back tomorrow after work and they are going to redo it and I'll have more numbers on Thursday.... I'm starting to feel less anxious, just a little less though.

Numbers to come tomorrow

I called the dr office and went in this afternoon for a blood draw. They overnight theirs so I should be able to call and get the number first thing in the morning. Then I will go back on Weds to make sure things are in order. Thanks for your support!

Worried

I hope I'm worried for nothing, but I have this gut-wrenching feeling that this is not going to last. Because I have had to switch doctors since coming back to UT, it is a normal OB-GYN office and they don't do blood tests, they just make first appointments from 6-8 wks, I don't have an appt until the 12th. So do you know what I'm doing until then for peace of mind? Pretty much taking a test daily (besides yesterday) to compare lines and filling myself up. Because the only real bad symptom I have is sore BBs. Well this a.m. the line is still dark, but not darker than the test I took Sat and my bbs have stopped being sore, I don't even know if the line is as dark. They were sore last night but not today. And these two things are making me panic! I have been here at least twice before in the last 3 years and I'm worried. The only thing in my mind that is a plus is I'm not spotting. This is going to be a long 2 weeks until my appt and I'm scared.

Going To Work

I will try to keep up with all my blogs, but that will have to happen after 5:00p.m. (mst). I pray that this day is good and that I will be ok, it is so weird to be going to work after 3 years. I must admit that I got used to being in my sweats and taking the kids to the bus stop. I hope they are ok going by themselves. I still have time to get them ready in the morning, but I have to trust them to go to the bus on their own. This is the time for changes, and here's hoping they are good ones!

**On another note, I spent 4 hours in the ER again yesterday, but not for me. This time it was my DH. His esophagus collapsed again and he couldn't even swallow water so they had to go in and balloon it out. They are going to do it again in a few weeks to see if they can get it any more open. I hate that he has so many GI problems (Crohns, diverticulosis and recurring acid/esophagus issues). I love him and I want him to be well.

Happy Again

I'm not going to say that I haven't been happy in the last 3 years, but this week has definitely been the best week among those last 3 years. I feel like I have a life again, not just a life, but a chance for a happy life. I guess I didn't realize how depressed I was being a stay-at-home-mom until my DH made a comment that he finally has his wife back. I guess living through this depression is kinda like having beer goggles on but in reverse. Sure I have felt sad and down more days than not, but I didn't realize that it consumed me.

I get to start my job on Monday. My background check through the agency cleared so I can start. It is going to be so nice to be able to have money left over after paying bills, sometimes right now I wonder where the crap we are getting money to pay bills. One bonus to the job is they offer free insurance to the employee, it isn't for the family, but it gives me double insurance so if I need to have a hysterectomy, I may not have to pay very much or any at all.

One thing that does get me down is I have put on 60 pounds in the last 3 years, yep 60! I don't really have many clothes that fit me and I need to dress up a little, not overly so, but not jeans either. I've decided that when they paychecks come in, I will need to buy a few clothes items but I don't want alot because I want to lose this weight. Until then, I'm going to have to be creative with my clothes and they may see the same thing more than once a week.

My husband also got a little more on his check than we thought this week so he is taking us out to eat tonight.. It is definitely going to be a treat! We have been stretching every penny so it'll be nice. I even bought the kids Halloween costumes last year after Halloween and got them on clearance, I pd $2 for Alex's and $0.80 for Breyna's. And they still fit them! Things are finally looking up.

Back on the Saddle

I got the news today that I got a job, one that I really wanted. It is a casemanager position working for Cath.olic Comm.unity Ser.vices. They have a grant program that is supposed to help prevent people from becoming homeless and also to help those who are already homeless. I will be working very closely with them to find resources in the community and help with the rent expenses for short times. I have done this work before for a different agency on a different scale and I'm so excited to get back to a non-profit organization and doing a job where I will be able to help others become self-sufficient. If you want to check it out click CCS Utah.

I'm not Catholic and I'm not really sure how much the religion has an influence on the agency, I know that many churches and grants go into funding it..but I'm really excited. I will have my own office and it will be a full time M-F job.

All I have to do now is go in and fill out all the paperwork including for the background check that can take from 3 bus days to 2 weeks and as soon as that comes back I will get my start date. I am going to die of anticipation until it happens, I am so ready to get back to work.

Love for Christina

Please send any love and support to Christina. She is going through a real tough mess right now. I know how much she has shown support to me and my heart is breaking for her. She will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers!

My Candle

Here is the candle that I lit at 7:00p.m. tonight in memory of the miscarriages I have had and the losses that my dear friends have had. I would light it even if I hadn't suffered loss myself but tonight I let in the memories that I pushed out of my mind and I brought all of them back and I'm facing a hard night. But I'm ok. I believe that we are all ok. We will meet our angels again.

Trip to the ER

Yep, I went to the ER last night. Apparently that sharp pain that radiated just above my va-jay-jay and went all through me was a cyst bursting. I'm on CD57, no spotting or midcycle bleeding thus far but its an extra long C again. Last night I sat down at my computer chair to catch up on email/blogging/FB and pain set in so bad I hardly made it to my bedroom without the kids noticing. I hate drs and ERs and everytime I probably needed to go, I haven't. I was in so much pain I told my DH to get me there. I called my lovely mom who was at work and she met us there so she could take my kids home with her and I waited to be seen.

This all happened around 8:00p.m. and I got home a little after midnight. So what did they do in 4 hours? NOTHING! This is why I don't go to the flippin' emergency room or clinic. They didn't even do an ultrasound or a check or anything. They took some blood to make sure I wasn't pregnant, but I already told them I wasn't and I should know since I take a Gazillion tests in hope each month. Then, 4 hours later, they gave me a shot of pain med and said to come back if it got worse or I was bleeding. NICE. Thank you for a $100 ER visit to get a pain med shot. I should have stayed home and took a flippin' Lortab that I have already. I don't doubt there diagnosis since I've been thinking about PCOS a lot this year with the 2-3 month cycles, but can you at least check me or do an ultrasound for hell sake?

And to be completely honest, I'm avoiding the OBGYN at all costs because deep down, I know that its time to get serious about a hysterectomy and I can't even handle that emotionally right now.

Work Woes

Ok, so I'm about to post a novel about work frustration, or the lack thereof.. Hopefully I won't bore you too bad.

I have always worked full time in a clerical/billing setting and loved it. In Jan 2005 I got my dream job. I worked at the non-profit hospital doing financial assistance for patients who couldn't pay their bills due to lack of insurance or just poverty stricken. I loved it. Then a job came open to be a Medicare biller, I thought I would love to learn it as it would further advance me. I caught on quick and loved it. In Jan 2008, just after meeting my 'now' husband, my ex's family showed up on my doorstep on a Sunday night. Things were not good as my ex is not legally here in the US and I have always been afraid that he could at anytime try to take my kids and run and I would never be able to find them. Anyway, back to that night. It was kinda nerve racking and I had to make a decision to either stay and chance that or have the opportunity to move to Alabama with my husband. I chose the latter. I talked to my boss that Monday morning and let him know how sorry I was, but I couldn't leave a notice, I explained the situation and he seemed very empathetic and I thought things were ok. There were 4 other billers that could take my work until he got someone new. I even spoke to him a few times after and never felt anything wrong. While I don't like leaving without giving notice, my fears of our family safety overpowered that.

Fast forward to today. I have been on numerous interviews and even applied for my old job. I haven't gotten any of these jobs and I got a denial email on the one for my old job, no interview. Then I received a couple emails from a few different friends that also work there and they pretty much said not to use him as a reference and one even asked me to make sure I wasn't using him as a reference. I knew something was wrong at this point but I thought that I had covered my bases. So, I emailed him to see. No response. I emailed him again and apologized once more that I had to leave the way I did and offered an even more in depth apology. No response. I'm not getting a job and its because of him. I emailed the HR lady to see why I didn't qualify for an interview for the job I once held and she responded it is because the hiring manager doesn't wish to interview me..guess who the hiring manager is..that's right old boss. I'm being black-balled from everything I apply for now even though I thought things were squared away.

I understand his frustration with me or him not wanting to hire me back, but he has obviously bad-mouthed me to coworkers because of the emails they sent me. I feel awful. Doesn't it matter that for the time I was there, I never once called in sick and I went beyond my own duties to help out others. I was a good employeed and even other supervisors there have offered to be a reference. Do I not deserve a 2nd chance? How would you feel in this situation?

Versatile Blogger

Wahoo, an award.. Thank you Angie!

Here are the rules:

•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award

•share seven things about yourself
•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award


7 things about me (wow this is hard):

1. I'm too hard on myself. Even when things aren't my fault, I blame myself.
2. I'm not that good at being a friend, in that I mean that I'm not good with phone calls, texts, or even emails. I love my friends dearly and would do anything for them, but its hard for me lately. I just wanna be a hermit most days, its getting sad.
3. I've never seen clearly how people see me until lately, its a real eye-opener.
4. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years now and as much as I love it, I know I need to work. Problem is, I can't convince anyone that I'm better than the other 200 applicants.
5. I hate shopping. I only like to go when it is for a specific thing and it something really fun or expensive.
6. I'm gaining weight daily and I'm almost to the point I thought I would never be.
7. I love to cook, probably part of the blame for Number 6. Also, I love watching food network and could do it all day.

7 people I wanna know about (Sorry if you've already been nominated):
Sherry
E
Jayme
J
Robin
Leah
Sweet Pea

Day 30

A Dream for the Future...

Phew, I made it! I can't believe I have written 30 posts in 30 days... Lets see, a dream for the future. Well, I kinda touched on this a little yesterday and an obvious answer for any TTC'er would be a healthy pregnancy followed with the birth of a healthy baby. But, I also would like just to be happy. I dream that my family will be happy. While I know that there will always be trials and tribulations, I dream and hope that everything will be ok for my family and that we will live a 'happy' life.

Day 29

Hopes, Dreams and Plans for the next 365 days...

Hmm, I must admit that I haven't really thought alot about this. I do have a few things that are clearcut in my mind as hopes/dreams and goals...

1st - I'm still trying to find at least a part time job and this is proving to be difficult after a year of really active looking, I feel I'll be lucky to find one by the new year and I'm hopeful that I'll find one by this time next year.

2nd - Of course there is a baby somewhere in the dream, at least to be pregnant with one ready to come within the next year... We are TAB now because of money issues, but still hoping it passes soon.

3rd - I actually just hope for good health for my family. That we won't have any major illnesses or even many minor ones.

As for my plans, I kind of throw plans out the window because they never quite work as I'd like, but I would like to pay our home completely off or at least a good chunk out of it. Also, it is my goal to go to the temple and get married to my husband in the next year. I have a dream that all of us bloggers are rich enough to plan a huge convention/vacation and get to meet each other and have a GRAND ole time. :)

Day 28

Inside the Handbag/Purse

Let me just start off by saying that I hate purses and I always have, I have never been the type to want to carry around a purse and up until I had children I would shove things in pocket or find the smallest purse I could. Then came kids, which I loved because I got away with a diaper bag and just put my stuff in there too... Now I have a regular sized purse that carries the normal stuff, i.e. wallet, checkbook, pens and gum.. and it also carries fruit snacks, napkins, wipes, bandaids, and a bunch of papers that somehow get given to me at different stores, clinics or schools and I just shove them in there until I clean it out. My purse is not huge and doesn't have a bunch of stuff in it compared to others I have seen, but my DH still teases me about my 50 lb bag.. :)

Day 27

Worst Habit

Well, I have 2...

***Overeating - I'm trying to work on this and keep it under control, but I am an emotional eater and lets face it, I have a lot of emotions running through me right now...

***Fingernail Biting - Yeah, I can't help it even though I know its gross. I have quit for like 3 weeks once but like the overeating, I don't even realize I'm doing it until its too late!

Day 26

Week in Detail

This is such a challenge for me. While I love blogging and feel ok sharing many things with you ladies/men?, I don't feel like I should indulge in detail my life... Even though many do, even more so on Facebook, I will tell you, it has been a good week and leave it at that. Besides...after yesterday's post, just multiply that by 7 and you will have my week. ;) Hope I'm not coming across as unfriendly, just nothing to post.

Day 25

Day in Detail....

I'm not sure if this is most given days or today in general... Either way, it makes for a pretty boring read that could also be triggery... You've been warned.

I usually wake up at 5:15 and make my DH's lunch/snack box (weekends & most Saturdays) and take the furbaby out for a tinkle. Today, however, I got to sleep in until 7:00 a.m., went back to bed a short time later and didn't wake up until 9:00, it was flippin awesome! I never get to do that.

Me and my husband had a date scheduled for 1:00p.m. to go to the temple, as mentioned in yesterdays post. But when we got there, it closed early for a Women's conference so we went and got ice cream instead. Thanks to my mom for watching the kids for the date. I went and got them a little later. We grilled for dinner and throughout the day just hung out and watched college football.. ROLL TIDE.... I usually put my girl in the bath at night and my boy gets his in the morning. Tonight I gave her a bath and also my furbaby, not at the same time of course.... Then I put them to bed at 10:00p.m. on Saturdays...usually they go to bed at 9:00p.m. DH usually goes to bed early too so that leaves quiet time for me for a good hour. What do I do during that hour? Blog and catch up on facebook... Boring, I know..

The only difference during the week is instead of college football, it is scanning for job interviews, cleaning house and just doing off the wall stuff....

Day 24 - Updated

Where I live...

Ogden, UT

It's a pretty big city, especially if you ask my husband who is from smalltown, usa. I think that it is UT's 2nd or 3rd largest city. I live on the North end of Ogden so it isn't in the big part of the city, but we still have plenty around us. We are a 20min drive from the mountains and about 2 hrs to the North is ID, 2 hrs to the West is NV, and 2 hrs to the East is WY...so if we want a day trip..its not hard to get out of UT. One thing that is here that may not be in your neck of the woods are LDS Churches. Here in UT, Mormons settled and the amount of churches here are similar to the amount of Baptist churches you will see in the south. We also have an LDS temple in almost every city here where you may only see 1 in each other state. The bottom picture is of the Temple.

Day 23

YouTube Video

Unfortunately, I don't have sound on my computer right now and I don't really go to the YouTube videos because of that, so I don't have anything to post... Sorry. :(

Day 21/22

Oops, seems I've gotten behind...

Day 21- Recipe

Easy Tator tot casserole my family loves...

* I cook the tator tots in the oven while cooking the ground beef mixture.

In a casserole dish layer

• 2 cans French-style green beans mixed with 1/2 cup of French's fried onions
• 1 1/2 lb cooked, seasoned ground beef or turkey mixed with can of Cream of Mushroom Soup, don't add water or milk, just soup. (or any cream soup, celery is good too).
• Cooked Tator Tots
• Cheese

Because everything is cooked before layering, you really only need to put in the oven long enough to warm everything. I usually leave the oven on 450 from the tator tots and throw the casserole in there for about 10-15 mins.

***********************************
Day 22 - A Website

I'm pretty boring but there are a few websites I have to go everyday...

• Utah Jobs (looking for a job of course)
• Fac.e.book
• Blog.ger

Day 20

Hobby

I love to read, even though I don't do it nearly as much as I used to. Some of my newer hobbies are blogging and facebooking, gotta love technology. Other than that, I just love to Chill'ax with my family at home...

Day 19

A TALENT

I don't consider myself to have any real talents but as of the last few years I guess I would say that my talent it to mess everything up. That and not be able to get a job. I must be the worlds worst applicant since I have applied for so many jobs here and in Alabama and nothing comes my way. I have a talent of being miserable lately...

Day 18

My Wedding...

2 words...what wedding?  I am married and thats what counts, but we didn't really have a wedding. I love my husband with all my heart and when we got together I really didn't care that we were just going to the courthouse to get married.. But in all reality, I do feel a little cheated and like I missed out. I was married before to my childrens bio father and was married at the courthouse then... There is still a part of me that wishes for the real wedding.

We are going to get married in our church's temple next year though and that will make up for it. Again, I'm not complaining as I love my husband very much and that means more to me than a big wedding.

Day 17

Art Piece

It doesn't specify that this is something I've done and its probably a good thing since most art projects that I start, don't ever get finished. When my husband was baptized, a lady in our church gave him a gift that was handmade. We didn't even know her at the time and it brought us to tears. It is very special and gives our home that extra special spiritual feeling. I tried to get 2 views but photos don't really give the detail of it justice.

Day 16

Song that makes me cry (or nearly does)

I can't hear this song without feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I bought the Mercy Me CD quite a long time ago without even knowing who they were or what kind of music... I fell in love with the whole CD but mostly this song... "I can only imagine"

Day 15

Dream House... (Yes, I skipped Day 14, but still had a post so its all good, right.)

So there was this house that, when I was 10, I used to tell my mom was going to be my house. It was perfect in my eyes. It was a Colonial style white house with the patio/balcony on the second level. I loved it. Well, I didn't buy the house obviously but in my head I still picture it or something similar as being my dream house...that is, if money were no object. This would be my house, or at least very similar. This is the backyard view but I still love it and it still has the balcony on the second level and in my mind it is in the master bedroom.

Some of the necessities for my dream home would be:

• HUGE Kitchen with lots of counter/cupboard space.
• Big bathrooms with huge tubs that I can fit in.
• Not too many bedrooms, just enough for us, but big enough for all our stuff.
• Swimming pool would be awesome, especially if it had hot tub too...

Of course this is all a dream, but it sure is a nice one!

Poor DH

After 2 weeks of what he thought was a toothache... I've been telling him it is either a sinus infection or wisdom teeth.... HE has to get 2 wisdom teeth out. The one on the bottom right is laying flat and pushing into his other teeth and the top one is coming in crooked too... so at the ripe old age he is, he gets to go under tomorrow to have them done... Please send good wishes and prayers out to him....

On another note, the dentist wanted to find someone to take them out today because of the Emergent situation, he can't even drink without hurting... But there is an oral surgeon that fit him in tomorrow. His work is being a jerk. He is always there and puts in his time but when he told his boss that he would need to leave at noon tomorrow and wasn't sure if he could come in Weds, the boss told him he had to come in at 4am to make up tomorrows 2 hr loss and that he wouldn't approve Weds because it was end of quarter and wasn't 24 hr notice....last time I checked Weds is 48 hrs away so I don't see why he's being a jerk. So now we have to worry about him getting fired since he is in the 6 mos probation period still if he ends up having to call in. I told him to go all high on Lortab and when he gets hurt or falls, we'll sue 'em and retire. :) Not that I'm sue happy, but I was pissed!

Day 13

A Fictional Book

I don't know where to begin on this post. I have been thinking about it for a few days, ever since I saw this on the list. All I can say about today's post is I love most fictional books that I read.  I can't just name one book. My favorite fictional books are ones that show people going through hard stuff and get a good happy, unrealistic ending. I know that it is probably really dumb, but I want to be that book with a happy ending. I know that we have to go through stuff to make us stronger and better, and in the end its supposed to be worth it...but its so hard to see that rainbow through a bunch of clouds. Therefore, I'll read about something fictional and pretend that its real.

Day 12 - 150th blog

Something I'm OCD about...

Well let me put out the disclaimer that there are many many things that I am OCD about but one that sticks out as a sore thumb to others is my NUMBERS thing. I can remember almost anything or relate anything to a number. I'm sure it really annoys my DH, but I have a thing for numbers... However, I do have a friend that is worse than me since hers is the number 4 only and she can relate anything to it...LOVE YA A!

One other thing that sticks out in my house is my Kitchen. It bothers me for anyone else to use my pans, utensils, cook or even clean in there... My husband should feel lucky but apparently I'm a NAG about it... Oh well!

I have many others but I won't go into them... Hope you all have a lovely Sunday.

Day 11

A recent photo of me...

HI! Just me!

Day 10

Photo taken of me over 10 years ago....

How about 27 years ago??

My mom has this on fb scanned as 1 photo so you really get a 2 for 1 deal. The top one is with my cousin who is a year younger than me and we were so close like bro and sis, especially since I was an only child. The bottom one was with my first boyfriend ever, but it really doesn't count since I was only 3 right??

Day 9

Photo taken by me...

I don't know if any of my readers are familiar with UT, but we have the Great Salt Lake and with that comes an island called Antelope Island. It is huge and filled with buffalo, antelope, coyotes, and different wildlife. It is really neat and the kids love it. If you go in August or September, you are bound to almost run into the buffalo because they are nearing round up. I chose these photos to show mainly because most of my photos are on CD's and these ones happen to be on computer, but also because I think it is awesome to be so close to nature.

So the top photo I took with my DH's camera since the Buffalo was on my side of the road, but I also had to include a photo that he took because they were so close to the road. Don't mind the date, his camera wasn't reset and shows a date when we were still in AL. Lastly the bottom photo is from the island, looking back towards where the cities are close to the mountain, but you don't see the city and the lake seems to go on forever! You will see the road that visitors come in on..

FML - TRIGS

Trigs....

Just found out that my step-daughter is pregnant and due April 24th. Wonderful! Unmarried, no health insurance, no job and couldn't take care of her first one without others doing it for her.. AND...nevermind. I know that babies are blessings, but I don't know how to be happy right now. At least after her trying for a year, she got her wish. FML

Day 8

Photo that makes me sad...

Actually, it more makes me feel really guilty.. On July 21st, 2009, we were in a car accident. I wasn't texting while driving, but I had just gotten done and my mind was very preoccupied. We had just moved into our new home in a new town 3 weeks prior and I didn't know that country roads well. I was going too fast for comfort and ended up running a stop sign that dead ends at a Major Highway. Luckily, no cars were on that portion of the highway at the time. Because it was a dead end though, there was nowhere to go except to hit the cable box and telephone pole, we missed a huge power pole by about 6 inches that likely would have cut our car in half. Unfortunately, my son took the most. He had broken ribs, punctured lung and bleeding spleen. He had to be taken to Pensacola to be watched in the ICU due to the spleen. I still feel horrible, especially when looking at these pictures. Oh and the little 'dimples' on his side are the scars from when he was a baby and had to have his left lung taken out and had a chest tube...this kid has been through alot! I don't use my phone at all while in my car.

Day 7

Picture that makes me Happy!

Whenever I am having a hard day, there are actually 2 pictures that I like to look at. The 1st on is on DH's baptism day and it is in my phone, so whenever I am not at home and having a hard time, I look at it. I never thought that the baptism would happen and the day is extremely special. My cousin was the one who baptized him, he is the one towering over us.

The 2nd one is on my home computer and I look at it all the time, it has my favorite 3 people in it so it is PERFECT!! I can't look at any other pictures and get as happy as these ones make me.

Day 6

20 Favorite Things



1. Family – This includes husband and kids, of course, they are #1.

2. Big Hugs – I’m talking big FAT BEAR HUGS

3. Curley – My doggy, who thinks he’s a kid.

4. Church – This probably ranks right up there with Family, God is good.

5. Cuddle time – Priceless

6. Coloring Contests – Breyna usually wins, but its still fun!

7. Scriptures – This would be up there with church if I understood them better.

8. Good Books - Especially when I want to get lost I something.

9. Cooking – Probably my FAVORITE hobby.

10. Cell Phone – More of a security feeling in case of emergencies.

11. Internet - I have connected with so many people that have touched my life.

12. Good Home Cooked Meals – Nothing better than Comfort food.

13. Nightly Monopoly Game – Yes we play almost every night, its our family thing.

14. School – Cause even though I love my babies, I need quiet time.

15. Cherry Coke – Love IT!

16. Licking the bowl after making Brownies – Who could disagree?

17. Nightly Family Prayers – Love listening to the kids when its their turn.

18. Lounging clothes – Nothing better than comfy clothes!

19. Swimming on a HOT day – Or any day for that matter.

20. Ice Cold Water – I love drinking water, but it has to be ICE COLD.

Day 5

Favorite Quote


I have many favorite quotes and most are stolen from blogs that I read daily... But instead of writing the millions that I love, I'm going to post the GOLDEN RULE... It really isn't a quote, but it is what I try to live by and it has helped me.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!"

I live by this, or I try..nobody's perfect. I try to forgive easily even when I haven't forgotten. I try to be nice to the mean. I try to be a good person. So if any quote makes an impact on my life..it's this one.

Day 4

Favorite Book

This is really hard for me because I LLLOOOOVEEEE books! I love to read. That is one thing that I truly thank my mom for, she was always reading and it set an example for me. When I was on bed rest, I picked up about 12 books at a time, guess how long they lasted.... 1 week usually!

But when it comes to choosing just 1, I can't. I love Christian Romances the most if I have to choose a category. When I'm reading and I get lost in the book, I usually want it to have a happy ending because I know that in real life, it usually wouldn't...to me that is awesome.

In Elementary, I loved Judy Blume books. In Junior High, it was the Babysitting Club books. In High School, it was the Sweet Valley High Books. Now, mainly I like Jack Weyland..he is an LDS author. But like I said, I love anything that is like real life, but BETTER! One thing that I haven't gotten into is the T.wi.li.ght series, I'm not a vampire fan...

Hmm, maybe I'll get off here and go indulge myself to a day of reading.... TTYL

Day 3

Favorite Television Show....

I wish that I could offer something with substance. Had you asked me 3 years ago, it probably would have been CSI or Law and Order or something like that. But now, I don't need substance because I don't really watch and regular shows, I watch alot less TV now that I'm married to my DH and I'm thankful for that.

Now, there is a bad to this too. I indulge in reality TV and programs that are just Drama. I find that these are the shows that unwind my stressed life because I laugh at how stupid they look on TV... BAD I know, but it is what it is.... When I'm watching TV, it is probably one of the following...

• Wipeout
• Desperate Housewives
• Bad Girls (They like to beat the crap out of each other... I LOVE IT)
• I didn't know I was pregnant (Mainly cause I wish it were me)
• Maury (only once in a while, can't take too much!)

Day 2

Fave Movie...

This one is hard because I am a SAP. I love most romantic comedies that I see. I guess this one goes back to my childhood again, "Steel Magnolias". This hits even harder now that my cousin is diabetic and on a pump. I still can't watch it without bawling. Plus, I used to wish that I had long, curly, red hair just like Julia Roberts. This is also the reason that "Pretty Woman" is my 2nd favorite.

A few more favorites I have:
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Marley and Me
Must Love Dogs

See, I just love the sappy stuff....throw in the comedy and I can't stop watching.

Day 1

Fave Song

"I will always love you!" the version sang by Whitney Houston.

This will always be my favorite because ever since I was in 7th grade I tried to get this song perfectly in sync with Whitneys voice. I am nowhere close, but I have to admit that when it comes to this song, I can hold my own... But only on this song. You see I'm a closet singer. I sing to everything, but I know that I'm not really good or even in tune most of the time, but with this song, somehow it just works for me.

So...whats yours?

Another Copy Cat

Yep, thats me.. But I like a good challenge and since I suck at blogging, I am following Dot's lead and doing the 30 blogs in 30 days challenge. Crossing my fingers and praying for the best. Here is what you'll be reading about if you visit my blog in the next 30 days....

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Here goes nothing. Feel free to be another copy cat yourself... :)

WHY?!

Have you ever asked yourself why? Why you did certain things before or why you do things the way you do now? I'm having one of those days. I can't really say that I regret things that I've done in the past because I am a strong believer that what you did is part of who you become.  But, that said, I do wonder why I made choices that I did and today I just can't seem to pick myself up. I'm reaching a breaking point and I am having a really hard time. I'm not writing this because I want support, but more just because I need to get it out of my system. I'm having a hard day and I just can't pick myself up.

May the Force be with you!

Yep that is what I thought after going to the RR this morning, "may the force be with you". And she is, full force. At least I don't have to wonder when AF is going to show anymore. Score another one for IF and put me closer to the 'done' side. Funny yesterday flow picked up and I counted it as CD1.


Last night as I was laying in bed in pain from the Endo and actually discussing my odd C's with DH, I realized my time is about up before I'm really going to have to seriously think about a hysterectomy. My doctor told me in Feb 2008 the surgery was just a bandaid and I would only have 1 or 2 years to TTC, but he really felt 2 was the max. It's now been 2 1/2 years and there's no telling how many tumors I have in there and the endo is super bad again and now we are thinking PCOS per the irregular cycles...

Did I mention that my mom had to have a hysterectomy because of her cysts? They biopsied and found that they were cancerous and she lost everything in her hysterectomy. She was about to go in for a tubal reversal so that her and her DH could ttc as I was an only child, she didn't get her dream of more children either. I guess I'm doomed to the same fate.

Sorry for the ramble, my brain is working overtime...

I am at a loss....

I have no idea what is going on with my stupid body. I wrote a few days ago that I was seeing AF, well at least that is what I thought. The following is going to be a little TMI so feel free to stop reading...

When I see red, it is when I go to the RR and is usually when I wipe only. However, every once in awhile it seems to be heavy enough to fill the paper and be dripping from me into the toilet, therefore, I think that AF is here and use a tampon. Then when I go to take the tampon out, there is absolutely NOTHING on it, except maybe, maybe the tiniest of drops. What gives. I can go a few days and nothing, then have a day that this happens. Then a couple more of nothing, then again it happens.

Do any of you with PCOS have this? I have been diagnosed with Endo and fibroid tumors, but the bleeding that was caused by my tumors was different. Also, if you've had cysts, does this happen? I have had off/on pain in my lower back/hips to so I was wondering about that.. Any help would be appreciated.

I'm seeing RED!

Literally!
Dang AF!

Last Thursday I saw red, ended up being light spotting for a couple hours and nothing til today... will this follow suit? I'm thinking no since I have had cramps that actually woke me up this morning they were so bad. No I'm seeing red again and seems to be more than last week so probably going to be actual flow..

On another note, I went to another job interview this morning, this makes 9 in the last 2 months, yeah...didn't get the job. Surprise Surprise. Wanna know why?! Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. Last week they did an article about an office job for the city that had 140 applicants, some with freakin' masters degrees... That is how bad our economy is.. People with MASTERS DEGREES applying for entry level receptionist jobs! How am I supposed to compete with 140 applicants that are probably either equal or better qualified than me! So depressing. That means for every office job that I'm applying for, there is probably at least that many applying for the same one. I decided a couple days ago that if I didn't get a job by the time my kids started school, I'm going back to the trade school and really looking into a different field or trade.

Yuck!

I think I'm on around CD 24, not really sure with the wierd AF last month after 3 mos of not having one. Anyway, for the last week, I have been having severe lower back and both sided hip pain! I'm talking horrible bad, so bad that I've had to take a Lortab to sleep and I have a high pain tolerance thanks to Endo. I didn't even have drugs when having 2 children...thats how bad its hurt. Also, extreme (I don't use that word lightly) tiredness for the last 2 weeks also, I'm talking about the kind when you are in the middle of a conversation and almost nod off. And bad headaches to boot!

Well, last night, gush of bright red ickiness, one time only.. and now today, barely any spotting... so what gives? Has anyone else experienced this? Man TTC makes me feel so ignorant when it comes to my body. I feel like I know nothing!

Hope

I received this award from Sherry, thank you very much!!!

Here what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !

One thing I am happy about now is... I feel like even though we don't have alot of money and there always seems to be more than we can handle, somehow, me and DH always make it work and we are always ok... I guess that I owe that to an awesome God who loves us. I am also happy that the children I have get along so well, they hardly ever fight and have an incredible bond between them. I am also happy to have been able to spend this time home with them even though it has been stressful not having a job and more money.

One thing that I am hoping for the future is... Obviously since this is my TTC blog, I would hope for a very healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby... But besides that, I just hope for continued happiness. I have been to the lowest of low in my life over the past years, and I really just hope that with God's help I can see my blessings and feel thankful for them.


Now, Full of Hope, I nominate....

Leah (SIF)

Robin

Erin

Thanks again Sherry!

Hatin' IF & Feelin' the Pain of Others

These days there are plenty of reasons to get down in my life, but I am admittedly an optimistic. I have a never ending hope that everything will work out in time. Right now there are so many things going on in my life that I really haven't thought about the hatred I have towards IF, but it is there, it still consumes me on days.

I want to offer the deepest empathy and sympathy to a couple of fellow bloggers. Many days reading their blogs have lifted me up when down, but this past week, they have needed the lifting. I want them to know that I am praying for each of them and love them as much as I can in this blog world. I pray for comfort and peace to surround them and that they will have all the support they need to help them through such a difficult time. First there is Kitty, who is going through a m/c and whether you have been through that or not, the pain is indescribeable. And then there is S.I.F. (who I don't even know her 1st name?), but it doesn't matter because she went through a failed IVF cycle and her pain is as real as yours and mine. I want these ladies to know that we are here for them, so if you get a chance, please go give 'em some love and hugs.....

I love all you Ladies and want to thank you all for the support that you give me and I hate that we are going through this, but know that we have to keep Faith.

This is it....

I'm finally on CD 2 or 3. After a week of mild spotting, I'm finally having a regular or at least semi-regular AF. I am used to a much heavier and painful one, but hey, the fact that she is finally visiting...suits me. I just figured up the days since my last regular AF, this would be CD104... WHOA, more than 100 days.

In my mind right now, I am pretty much done TTC. There are so many things that life is throwing my way that TTC just doesn't fit in there. We have hit our 2 1/2 year mark and even though I know many more have made it way past this long ago, I'm finding that my faith had been diminishing little by little and I was becoming a person that I didn't necessarily like. My faith is getting stronger day by day and I don't want to lose it so it may just be easier to give up on this TTC plan. I haven't been blogging for this reason. I still follow my friends' blogs, but I just don't feel 'it' anymore. I'm sure I will change my mind on this in the near future so I am keeping my blog to remind me of all feelings and experiences. I will also be updating as those thoughts change my mind.

Much baby dust goes out to those needing it.

AF Update

The update is there is no AF.. WHAT???

Last night I was sick and went to the restroom and I thought that I had full blown AF, I used something which I changed before I went to bed and saw one big clot on it... Then this morning went to change again at 3:00a.m., yes I'm up that early, and nothing...not ONE drop. And as of now, still nothing....SO, am I on CD84, or was that AF???!!

There she blows

CD1

F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 83 days of no bleeding and getting hopes that last that whole time that I o'd and didn't know it and possibly could turn up preggers, AF rained on my parade again. My longest C in history to date.... I'm so messed up right now. I can't even cry because I'm so pissed! My insides feel like someone ripped them out and handed them to me.

Wow

CD76

WTH? You read it right, I am now on CD76. I can't believe that in April I was cycle buddies with 4 or 5 of my blogger friends and now, one of them just blogged about her 3rd AF since then.

So I talked to my mom a couple weeks ago about the whole, endo, fibroids, PCOS thing. I am not diagnosed with PCOS, but I suspect I have it. Anyway, turns out when she had her hysterectomy because of the cysts and possible cancer, she probably had PCOS too. This was about 15 years ago so not much was known of PCOS, but they did tell her that she had bunches of cysts that would come at AF time and then some would stay and some would go. From what I have read and been told, many docs can tell you if you have PCOS by doing an u/s on CD3 because they can see the 'bunch' of cysts then. Is that right? If so, that could explain why I wasn't diagnosed, I believe my u/s to dx was way toward the midcycle and was about 6 years ago. I really want the blood test confirmation.

This, however, will have to wait. We are very strapped right now. We moved her 4 months ago and we are making our bills, but we have money for NOTHING else. I am now diligently looking for a job. We thought we would be ok with me staying home, but turns out if we want to do anything besides just pay bills or if we want an emergency fund, I must get off my butt and return to the workforce.

Sorry I have been so random, I guess when you are really depressed, you don't really want to blog about all the crap in your mind. There is alot of good going on with us, but its hard to see through the clouds to see the rainbow or sun.

Fool Me

Not just once but all the time!!! AF is constantly throwing curve balls at me and I always feel like a newbie when it comes to TTC because I never know what is happening next in my C.

I am now at what should be the end of another C and had some weird spotting, just after BD'ing...nothing there now. Not sure whether this means I might actually get AF or just a little spotting like I did around a month ago. In any event, I guess I just keep on trekking! I wish I could revert back to the old saying, Fool Me Once, but I just have no idea what the hell is going on with my body. I'm emotionally unstable. I was in a good place my last post but now I'm not. And this is how my life has become. EMOTIONALLY unstable wreck! I don't know if I'm wasting tears thinking that this is AF or hoping it to be so that I can move on. I don't even make sense to myself anymore. I feel like I used to know my body so well, now I know that I have no control and no idea what it is doing or will do.

On the non-TTC note, it is so fun to see everyone change their blogs and update!

Changes

Time for a Change.. Seriously! I know I have said it before, but I need an overhaul. I need to be better at blogging, better at TTC, better at being a wife & mother.

I'll start by overhauling the blog. That is a good, easy place. I have been trying extra hard to be a better mom and wife, I don't have alot of patience, but I'm working on it.

I still haven't seen an AF since early May and I don't know what the crap is going on, but I have insurance now so I just need to find a good Doc. That may help me work on the TTC part. I feel like I am in a good place emotionally right now. I'm not overly stressed by TTC, but I am still sensitive to it. That is one NICE change.

About time....

CD 45 and guess what.... EWCM. And an abundance of it to boot. WTH?????

I had some spotting, very light spotting around CD26 and about the same time all my previous CB's saw AF, I wonder if that was supposed to be my AF and I didn't ovulate that C. I don't know whether this is a new C and I'm on like CD19 of a new C or whether this is a LOOONNNGGG drawn out C. I did take BCP in the month of March so that could have messed my April C up. In any event I had an abundance of EWCM and I don't get that often if at all. Dang that I'm TAB so not temping or OPK'ing. I think for giggles I will temp tomorrow a.m. just to see what it looks like.

Oh No

So last month I got to experience the joy of the nasty AF with quite a few of my fellow TTC bloggers. Guess what, a few of them hit CD1 this weekend. That means she is soon to come to me. But as to when, I have no clue since I have not been actively TTC. I have been making myself not pay attention to CM, not taking temps, no OPK's....etc. Now, because I thought I was being clever, I'm gonna drive myself crazy because I don't know if/when I O'd. I do know that in the last 2 1/2 years, I have only had one C that I don't think I O'd, so hope is there that I O'd or will O. But also in those last couple years I have had 3 C's lasting more than 35 days. Oh, how I can't wait for DH to officially be hired in as a perm so that we only have 30 days to insurance again, that will be a countdown!

As for AF, I hope that she doesn't come, but am pretty sure that she will...I just wish she wouldn't be such a tease. On a brighter note, last month I had 24 days of spotting and so far this month, none to date. But I'm sure that when I get off the computer and go use the restroom, I will now find spotting as I'm sure that I just gave the hag more ideas of how to taunt me. All I can say, "Bring It On!" cause I'm ready and waiting since I know my CB have seen her.

Let Me Get This Straight

I saw this on my FB and I thought long and hard before posting for fear of offending anyone...but decided, screw it, it is the way I feel and this is my blog. However, I do not feel this way for LEGAL immigrants who enter our country through the process that was created by our government. Did I mention that my children's birth father is illegal and hence I may have more ill feelings than most. I receive absolutely no child support because he has no social security number to hold him accountable. I can't terminate his rights without a long process and allow my husband to adopt them for the same reason. I know that this can be conceived as my problem since I bore children with him, but on my own defense, I didn't know when I thought I loved him that he was illegal. And while I believe ignorance is no excuse, deception can be right?! I don't regret being with him because I have my children, but I do wish that he weren't the father. Now, to the thing I saw on FB... Here it is...sorry it is in ALL Caps but I didn't want to re-type it all..





IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT

IF YOU CROSS THE UNITED STATES BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - A LOBBYIST ON YOUR BEHALF IN WASHINGTON,
11 - MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT IN THE UNITED STATES.

Hard Day

About 3 months ago, I posted about a friend that passed. Not a day goes without something happening to make me think about her. Today the school bus was really late so I decided to drive the kids to school since I didn't want them to miss out on breakfast. On the way back home, I approached the sub-division that she lived in. I turned in, I didn't even remember where she lived for sure, but I had an idea. I went past a house that I was sure was her's, even though it turns out her's was next to. Anyway, I have no idea why I went to the house, on my way home I could do nothing but think about her and talk out loud to her. I came home and texted another friend of ours and she told me about this song she can no longer listen too. It is beautiful and I can't find anything more fitting. It is by Al.an Jack.son.

Sis.sy Song

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

I've thought about this alot...

and I really don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to be a triggery to anyone. If you are in a bad TTC frame of mind right now, or feeling pretty hopeless, you may not want to read further.

I have several friends on here that don't have a child yet. They are struggling with IF and the hurt that it causes everyday. One of the things that causes hurt or trigger pain is the celebration of Mother's Day. I understand the pain that it could cause. I am very fortunate not to feel the whole affect, but I understand. I want my friends who are not mothers yet know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. And to me.....

You ARE a mother! This day is just as much about you as it is me. You may not have physical children but you are more of a mother than many that I know. You were born with motherly instinct and you are a mother. I love you dearly and so will many heaven children if you don't happen to have them here on this earth. I believe that even if you aren't a mother yet and may not be on this earth, you will prevail in Heaven. To me a mother isn't just any woman who has a child, it is a state of mind. It is a woman with a loving, kind, caring soul that helps others by teaching them and being there...guess what, That is you!

More Beginnings

I have had a very heavy heart most of my life. I have 2 seperate families as my mother and father divorced when I was a baby. I have alway felt that when I was with each family that I couldn't really talk about or love the other family while in their presence. I grew up always feeling like I didn't know where I belonged because I felt like I only 1/2 belonged to each side.

When I was 15 years old I moved in with my dad during the summer. That summer he met and married his current wife who had 4 kids. After she and her kids moved in, I had a friend that I snuck out to be with one night at the advice of my older step sister who in turn went and woke up my dad and told him. Things got crazy and I went back to live with my mom. They never spoke to me again. They moved to Kentucky. It wasn't until I had my 2 children that we let each other back in each others lives. I whole heartedly gave my all to try and make the relationship work. When I moved to Alabama to be with my husband something changed. We no longer really kept as good track anymore. But we were on each others face.book and I still felt I could get in contact if needed. Well, everyday I'm hurt because I see their comments to my step-mom's kids and how they are and I have made numerous posts and messages without anything in return.

As part of my NEW BEGINNINGS, I'm letting go of things that don't benefit me, my kids or my life. I deleted them off of my facebook, all of them. I actually did a pretty big overhaul and deleted all the 'friends' on my facebook that I just added because I knew them. I only left people that I care about and actually comment and follow on. I'm tired of having this heavy burden on my heart and in my life and I just hope and pray that I wasn't hasty and made the right decision. I have been thinking about it for a very long time.

New Beginnings

Its time that I look at my current situation as a "New Beginning".  I have the opportunity to do many things and I have a very supportive husband to stand with me not in front or behind me. I decided no more BCPs for me, they made me crazy sick and moody and just YUCKY! Also, I decided that the only reason I was taking them was so that the endo wouldn't hurt so bad, YEAH DIDN'T HELP...so, I'm just going it alone and I'm not worried about an accidental pregnancy because we are still in the TTC family and any surprise would be welcome even if it is highly doubtful.

To celebrate my New Beginning, I decided to get my haircut so I would stop just putting it in the same old ponytail. I wanted something about shoulder length with long layers as I have alot of hair and didn't want to look like I had a football helmet for a head. I also didn't want to go too short because of my size and the shape of my face. As you can see by the pics, the stylist got a little scissor happy, but its ok, hopefully it will grow out a little soon. I'm ok with it, even though it isn't exactly what I wanted. I'm seeing the positive in it, can you tell? Score one for optimism.

I left the salon and came home and just did a little scrunch style as I had to run errands yesterday. I do like that I will be able to just scrunch or do a little flip up or straight action and can make it work. Man, I can't wait until it grows out just a little...

Bright and Early Monday

Well, maybe its not bright, but its definitely early, 3:41 a.m. to be exact. The only thing that makes it "ok" for me to be up this early is to know that we are extremely lucky for Wendell to have found a good job and be working so fast after moving here. He started out working 9 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday, this week begins the 10 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday. I am thankful there is work and for my hard-working husband, I love him very much!

But, yes there is a BUT. But, I feel so low. I am not working right now. I am starting to feel like I'm not doing enough. He is working his butt off and I'm at home. He is so loving and supportive and keeps telling me that he wants me to be at home if thats what I want. I do want that, plus work something part time while the kids are in school. But my guilt comes from knowing that as we are starting all over here in UT, things are tighter and we are having to work our way back in. He is working through a temp service for a few more weeks until actually being hired through the company and getting better pay. Granted I know that this overtime is required and he isn't volunteering just to support us, I feel really guilty. I've never been in the situation where I wasn't contributing something financially to the family and I'm now there and its hard for me.

Sorry, maybe I'm rambling for the lack of sleep or something, but this has been weighing on me alot and had to get it out.