Ending This Year

This is my ending post to 2011. Goodbye, see ya, hasta la vista, arvoire, caio...etc...etc...etc. I have seen 3 m/c's this year, not something that I ever thought would be possible.

I have been lost for a few months, there is a reason for that. I am DEPRESSED, I can't get out of this funk. I moved back to AL, which I love AL, but I miss my family, and mostly, my stability. When we were in UT, we owned our home, both worked, both had vehicles and got by...we weren't rich, but we were able to go out when I forgot to thaw out meat.

The last few months, I have had no luck finding a job. The job that my husband transferred with turned sour almost immediately after we got here. They were giving him less than p/t hours when he was supposed to be f/t and he was officially without a job on Thanksgiving day. What does that mean for our family of 4? Great humbleness and relying on the Lord (which we have always done), but also relying on help from our church and government...which I hate! I don't even know how we pulled off Christmas and our bills but the Lord works in mysterious ways. We are in the worse way financially that I have ever seen. My DH is now working p/t but getting almost f/t hours, but it isn't good pay and I'm on never-ending interviews.

This is not a pity post by any means, just reasoning as to why I haven't been posting and why I'm ready for a new year with a fresh start. We found out today that my DH got his unemployment appeal in his favor for the few weeks that he wasn't working and I keep my faith that one of us will at least land a good full time job. With all of this, you can imagine that I haven't even thought of TTC. I would never want to consume my time with that while I feel that I can barely make it with our family now. Much love to all of you that still read (don't know if anyone is left). I still read daily and comment on occasion all of your blogs. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that your dreams come true in 2012.

Advice requested, not IF related

I am moving back to Alabama on Sept 20th. This will probably make my children about a month behind in school. Also, we don't know exactly where we will be living permanently. I am trying to find out how I can home-school for at least this year as to not traumatize them so much. I have the ability to home school, but have no clue where to get started. I have done a little googling, but I'm asking for help from my teacher friends and fellow mothers or anyone else who has anything to tell me. I'm hoping to find something that is little to no cost. Any info would help, thank you.

Gone Again

I spent most of today in the doctor office and then the hospital cancer center. Yesterday I went in for my follow up u/s and bloodwork. Still NOTHING in my uterus and my labs showed 3825 barely double in a whole week. At this point something should have shown.

My doctor called me in this morning and did the internal check and it was determined that instead of letting this embryo continue in my tube and it bursting and possibly causing more infertility issues, we needed to opt for Methotrexate, which is a Chemotherapy drug used to terminate an ectopic pregnancy. I had to go to the infusion center at the hospital cancer center to get the injections. One in each hip. It should start to take effect in the next couple of days. I go back in Friday to see if my HcG has started to drop.

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML

There is a reason...

Not a good one, but definitely a reason that I haven't wanted to get on here and update. Its because I'm scared SHITLESS! So I went to the dr last Monday, I love him by the way. He ordered another beta: 1777, it doubled but over 5 days...he said that was ok still. I also was ordered an u/s to see what was going on. At this point it is a guess to how far along I was/am. I am thinking 6 weeks as of yesterday per my blood test on 7/20. Based on when I bled last month, they guesstimate 7 weeks.

But, they couldn't see anything on the u/s, not a sac, not nothing! So.... I either tested way early and it isn't there yet, or I may possibly have an ectopic pregnancy. I am ordered for another u/s on Monday to see if there is anything there or if they need to look further to my tubes. However, I think this is strange because she caught pics of my ovaries so I would think if there was a mass in my tubes she whould have saw it?!? JMO. Anyway, the doc said that my numbers are raising and pretty normally and that they are in normal range so therefore he knows there should be something there, but not sure where.....

So that is my update... I'm pregnant but don't really know where the little shit is. Oh and I have been spotting for a week now, only when I wipe and it is mostly a brownish color, but still there. I am also on Prog 3 times a day now too..

final Beta

So yesterday's numbers:

HCG: 815
Progesterone: 6.8

My progesterone isn't going up much, I'm praying they will double my dose or something. My hcg didn't quite double but it wasn't quite 3 days so I'm still within norms there. I'm still worried though and this didn't help.

*update*

I called my original doc office and asked very nicely for them to put my worries at ease with one more HCG and a progesterone test to make sure it is doing its job. They obliged. I went in and will have results tomorrow after 9:00 mtn time. I'm still keeping my appt at the other office though.

Worry is setting in...

I started spotting this morning, only when wiping, but still spotting. I made an appt with a new dr for Monday, Aug 1st. I do know that at this appt, they probably won't be doing an u/s, they don't tend to do that until the 2nd appt. Part of me wants to go to the flippin ER just to see what is going on, but it is too pricey...I feel like I don't get 'personalized' care at the clinic I'm going to now.

I am still taking 200 mg of Progesterone and I actually asked the nurse if I should take more because of my weight and how low it initially was and they weren't willing, nor are they willing to retest the progesterone.

So now I am worrying that this will end up like last November. Numbers were good initially for HCG and progesterone was low, then the spotting didn't set in for weeks. I'm worried and its all I think about.

Yesterdays Results

439!!!!!!!!!

So,
7/20 - 89
7/22 - 185
7/25 - 439

Beta #2

185. After 47.5 hrs, it doubled plus 7. I did another today but won't know my results until tomorrow. My symptoms aren't thee though so I'm worried about this progesterone.

I caved....

I couldn't stand not knowing. I went yesterday for a Beta and Progesterone level...

HcG: 89
Progesterone: only 4.8...

Now, do I heed the doctor advice and take my Progesterone?  I think I have to so that I know I did everything I was supposed to in order to stay KU. I am glad to know my number is higher than 50, but I wish it was higher...

***Have any of you that have had successful Pregnancies started out with a very low Progesterone #? I started really low last November too and that resulted in a blighted ovum.... Just wondering?***

You are NOT going to believe this! *trigs*

I know I disappeared for the month, but I was emotionally unwell, especially with the 2nd m/c in 6 mos thing hanging over my head.
Caution: TMI ahead, not for the queasy. Fast forward to today or rather this weekend. All of last week I felt physically and mentally drained. I blamed it on PMS as I started a little spot on Wednesday. Usually I spot for a day then it goes away and AF shows a couple days later. This didn't happen. I have been spotting off/on since Wednesday, usually only when I wipe after using the RR. After FD'ing with DH I thought for sure I had started as a little more was there. Well, nothing happened, and still only spotting after RR. I decided Saturday night to go to the dollar store and take a cheapie. There was a line. Good thing I'm smart and bought 2. Sunday morning, a darker line. I guess I have no problem getting KU, its staying KU that is the problem. I am still spotting and not holding out hope yet.

I have no drive to call the doc for a blood test because I can't take the stress of it. So, I have decided to let things ride and have no worries (you know, like a normal person) and if I stay pregnant, it was meant to be. I am going to act like I did when I was KU with my DS and DD and call and make a doc appt for 8 weeks and hope I make it that long. I am not going to be going in for bloodwork to make myself sick over. And, honestly, I am not sold on the idea of Progesterone either as it didn't do anything for me. I am going to let things happen and pray to the Lord that I don't have to go through another m/c because 3 in less than 8 months is just not a place that I can be.

I don't know if I can really do what I just wrote, but I am going to try.

Who opened the gates?

"Who opened the gates?" A saying that I remember my mom using quite often as we drove around town in a swarm of traffic.

Now, this saying gives a whole new meaning. I suppose that my m/c is commencing as I'm asking the Lord and Mother Nature, "Who opened the gates?" I was lucky enough last December to have a D&C to take care of things and had only light bleeding for a day. This time, however, I'm begging for mercy. I can guarantee you that the progesterone must have been doing its job and making my lining nice and thick....too bad a baby won't be able to enjoy that cushion!

I'm having a Pity Me day, I'm entitled to since I'm bleeding so heavily that I actually had to ask my husband (who is amazing) to come rescue me by bringing my extra clothing and products because apparantly SUPER PLUS really means, "CAN'T HANDLE LOSING BABIES" and I've soaked through and leaked in pants and office chair. Good thing I found a brown sweater in the lost & found to sit on for the rest of the day!

Hope you all have a DRY day...

not good.......

They did another beta yesterday - 367

One week only up 70% for 7 days, didn't even double. FML

She can't do an u/s because they can't see anything when levels are under 1,000 and also my insurance doesn't cover it.... So now, I stop progesterone and wait...

Again... FML!

Not looking good

Yesterdays Beta:
224

Doubled, but at the rate of a little more than 4 days....not good.... I wonder if my taking progesterone is just making it so that I don't just start the bleeding for a m/c. The nurse really didn't tell me anything and I was just out of a meeting so I need to call back and get a plan. Wow.. this just sucks not knowing and pretty much acknowledging that this is yet another m/c.

Inevitable...yes, still *trigs*

So, I went to my PCP yesterday to followup on the meds he put me on last month. He is the doc that originally ordered my first 2 blood tests 2 weeks ago...the ones that were 6 & 16. Anyway, he asked how things were going. I told him that I really didn't know and that I had another beta scheduled for Monday.

And, since you know how I am, you probably already figured I couldn't wait that long, so I asked him about doing one while I was there. He ordered one for me yesterday so that I didn't go bonkers in the meantime.... The number: 99, up from 57 on Monday, but only went up 75% over the 3 days. So I don't know anything knew, but for now I am happy to see it rise.

There really isn't much that I can find googling that shows this might lead to a success story. Reality part of my brain tells me that this is probably not viable and I shouldn't get too attached, but.... I've been attached since I saw the 2nd line on the test clear back when it came back at only 6! Guess FRER really does read that well! I'm not bleeding/spotting as of now. I did bleed for about  3-4 days last week, almost like a light/medium AF, but then nothing, and I have had nothing since.

I'm sorry my posts have only been about this, but because I really want to document all pregnancies (even m/c), I really need to put this on here so that if I have similar situations, I will know what to look forward to. Thank you again for your friendship and support!

**UPDATE** Called the dr office when I realized Monday is a holiday and they are closed, so I won't be going in until Tuesday... Good thing my PCP put me at ease yesterday...

Small again

It raised to 57 so still not doubling but rising. My doctor is convinced its not viable. She is ordering another beta for next Monday to see if it goes up anymore and look at the possibility that I was just extremely early when I found out. When I put in the 6 from my first beta til the 57 on Monday in the H.c.G. calc.ulator that I found, it shows my doubling time is 3.1 days, which is considered normal.. But the numbers are small. I don't know what to think. I just have to wait it out. Thank you for your comments/support. You ladies are so incredible!

madness....trigs

So to follow up yesterday... My doctor wants me to go back in on Monday. Pretty much its either I'm bleeding and m/c or we just have to wait until I can raise my numbers. Just for giggles, I took a dollar test this morning.. None of my tests have had more than a faint shadowy line, but this morning, this is what I saw... I must also mention that the tests are different now. They used to be in a pink box and now they are in a purple one...but the information on them is all the same. I didn't even get this dark on a FRER in the last week.

Today's Number is....

36

So here is the numbers in sequence:

5/13/11 - 6
5/16/11 - 16
5/18/11 - 27
5/20/11 - 36

SLOW and LOW rising....not a good combination. I'm still flowing, not heavy, not really light, Sometimes reddish, sometimes old and brownish... Waiting til Monday now.

hmmm. Trigs

So, I'm still bleeding, it isn't extremely heavy, but it is like a period. My result came back at 27. It didn't quite double but Monday it was 16. I go back in tomorrow for another Beta but I really don't want to hold hope just yet.

**To answer you Emily, No, the doctor doesn't. She did have me start taking Progesterone at the very sight of the pos HPT as that has been a problem with 2 past m/c. They are having me see about the betas first and then scheduling me to come into the dr, but basically they are saying at this point I'm too early for an u/s and there isn't anything they can do except wait it out also.

Update -still trigs

I started flowing really bad early this morning. I am supposed to go get another draw today and I'm trying to decide if its worth it to go cross town. I really want to know what is up with my body so I will most likely just suck it up and go get the draw anyway, but for me right now... I have to be realistic and this is most likely the end. I can't keep doing this emotional rollercoaster of hope/dismay.. Its sad, but I pretty much have to think not like I'm preg until otherwise, but more like I'm not preg until my body proves me wrong.

Thank you all for your well wishes. I will update after I get the numbers but if I go in today it will probably be later in the afternoon so I probably won't have numbers until tomorrow.

now what??? trigs

Its hard not to get your hopes up after seeing a positive on an HPT. That is until you get a beta back with 6 and the line seems to be fading. But then, its even harder to know what to think/do when 3 days later the beta comes back at 16!! SO low, but doubled....

I am trying hard to be patient and wait this out, but it seems that for now, I might not be m/c. Oh please God, let this be... Please have mercy on my sanity and mental health.

I've Been Dreading This.... (trigs)

I'm going through another m/c or more appropriate 'chemical pregnancy'. Positive HPT's, feeling some symptoms, more HPT's with fainter lines and yesterdays BPT with a value of 6... Yep, 6.

I've known this for a week and didn't really allow myself to blog about it because I thought being hopeful would jinx things again. Guess I didn't have to worry, the Man upstairs still has other plans for us. I really can't take much more...

My step-sister died on Monday, she was only a few years older than me and young children. She found out in January that she had Ovarian cancer and it was aggressive. I'm really thinking badly right now and feel like between IF and cancer and PCOS and Endo and all the little things....why not just go for the hysterectomy that I'm destined for.

O' Happy Day

**possible trig alert**

So, I wrote on here about a month ago about my DH adopting my 2 bio children. We received word today that our hearing is Monday, April 18th... We will be married exactly 3 years and 3 months on that day. March 1st was the first publication date. March 1st my divorce was also final. We had 3 publications with no response. Our hearing is with a judge on the 3rd floor. I am officially changing my lucky number from 6 to 3... Good things happen in 3's for us??

Done

I think I'm kind of over this blogging thing, probably because I'm trying to get over TTC and move on. I haven't seen results and we already hit the 3 year mark a few months ago and endo is coming back hard. I'm severly depressed and I'm not sure how to handle things right now. I'm sick, all of the time. I think that part of it is actual illness and part is the depression walking over me.

Death is nearing all around me. I have so many close family members that have recently been diagnosed with horrible things and don't have much time. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this. I don't sleep, I stay awake all hours of the night with anxiety about different things in life and I'm about to hit a breaking point. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow for a yearly visit, and I'm feeling I will address all of this with him.

I have to TAB from this blog for now. I haven't been updating but once a month anyway and I'm just not feeling it. I still read others daily and love and support all of you, but I feel like I have to be done with this to move on to a happier life.

Please know that I don't mean to make this post a complete downer and I am ok, I just have been recognizing some bad stuff that depression/anxiety has been doing to me lately and I wanna nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. If you ask me, it probably already has gotten out of control.

A to Z

I saw this on a couple of my blogger friends and since I suck at blogging lately, this should help me get a post down! Also, to Steph, I'm in Utah and that law and circumstances make me sick too! Oh and BTW, I am now certified as a sexual assault counselor in UT, I finished the classes on Saturday... YAY go me.

A. Age: 30

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you dislike: DISHES

D. Dogs: Curley, the pain in my butt!

E. Essential start to your day: hugging/kissing my DH and kids

F. Favorite color: Green mostly but purple is a close second

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'6"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Violin in Jr High (I couldn't now if I wanted to)

J. Job title: Food Program Coordinator

K. Kids: 2 natural and DH has 2 adult kids

L. Live: Utah

M. Mom’s name: Tracie

N. Nicknames: had many when I was little, not so many now

O. Overnight hospital stays: 2

P. Pet peeves: Ignorant People, People who are mean to their children

Q. Quote from a movie: As I type this, I can't think...but I quote movies all the time, it drives my DH nuts I'm sure.

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 0, (I have step ones, but I don't count them)

T. Time you wake up: 4:15

U. Underwear: Granny panties. lol

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Creamed Corn, I do like other varieties of corn though.

W.What makes you run late: I am very anal about being early rather than on time, so this isn't a problem usually.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Most of the normal ones

Y. Yummy food you make: Depends on who you ask! :)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Any of the babies, I love the baby elephants.

Coincidence?

My divorce papers were signed by the judge on 2/28/07 and final on 3/1/07. Today it has been 4 years since I found that out. I got a call today that the notice of adoption/termination of parental rights will be in the L.A. Tim.es for the first time tomorrow, exactly 4 years from the finalization of the divorce. It will run tomorrow and then the 2 following Tuesdays. It is my understanding that he will have 30 days from tomorrow (the 1st run) to respond. Otherwise, we just get a court hearing to go before the judge to finalize things.

2 in a row

Last month, I gotta say, AF was not normal. I know that it was because it was the C that followed my D&C, but I also now that I haven't had a normal AF in almost 3 years. They have been a little spot here and there an then came the flood.

This month, I'm making progress. Sure my C was 41 days, but there was no spotting prior and wondering if this was AF or when she was coming. So technically, if I were a normal 28 day C girl, this would be my 3rd AF since the m/c, but I'm not quite normal, but still happy to have had 2. It means that my body is still partially working, and I still get hopeful.

I don't know why I'm always so hopeful. It hasn't really brought good. In fact, there are so many reasons I can think of to not be hopeful, but I'm ignoring them. I can't let IF win me or my emotions. I may not have control over this IF stuff, but I do control how I am going to react to it.

Adoption in the works...

Possible Trigs ahead.

vvvv
vvv
vv
v

Not the kind where me and DH are going to adopt a child, but the kind where the 2 children that I have from my previous marriage are being adopted by DH. There father is here illegally and since we broke up in Nov 2006 (divorce final in Mar 2007), he has seen them 1 time and sent a total of $200 for them. He has called in the past but not really talk with them (probably because his English is on a preschool level), and want to talk to me forever...which I didn't want nothing to do with. He has, in the last year, stopped all contact and when I have tried to contact him, he hasn't responded. My DH is my kids 'daddy' and they love him as he loves them. So the other day we went in for our initial appointment and got it started. I feel so lucky to be friends with an attorney that does family law. So the petition is being filed today and we have to serve him by publication. Since I have no idea what his address is, we just put it in any newpaper in the LA area for 3 weeks and he has 30 days from the 1st day published. Then we get a hearing to make things final. I hope it goes as smoothly as written.

Here I am again

Coming out of a bad bloggin week. I'm somewhere smack dab in this cycle and I feel like this month I might have ovulated, which would make 2 months in a row since my m/c and D&C in December. Could I be so lucky? I meant to pick up some OPKs last week and I guess I forgot and put it off, but I think I felt the lovely O pain yesterday so I think know it would be too late. Guess I will find out either way in a couple weeks.

On another note, my little girl is soooo sick. She can't keep anything down and if she keeps this up, a doctor visit is in our near future.

Hope you all are doing great!

Back to games

Yes, AF loves to play games and it appears she is back to playing them with me. It turns out the red I saw was just a little spot and again tonight, I'm hoping this turns into more as it has previously. Doesn't she know I just don't want to play her games anymore?!?!

*for Steph, I didn't get your email..... I checked my junk mail file just to make sure it didn't get filtered out. I'm not sure what happened.

Finally

I might be having some IF luck. Or at least AF luck? I don't know what I have, except that My D&C was on Dec 1st and I think AF is here and it hasn't even been like 70-100 days so that means that I cycled semi-normal. And honestly I'm thankful. Thankful that I only had 2 days of spotting after my D&C and now I'm seeing the signs of AF. I know that this sounds really crazy for an IF'er to be excited over, but this means that we get to move on and continue TTC and I don't have to call the Dr to jump start AF and pay out of pocket! Oh HAPPY day!

PS, please don't ask me how I feel about this tomorrow, because I probably will let the AF bug get me down and not be so happy but for now.... All is good.

Something has to happen

I need to see something happen up in this body o' mine. Like I said before, we are in a lapse of insurance coverage and I can't really afford to be calling my dr for a prescription to jump start AF so any day would be nice.

First Post of the New Year

It is also my 201st post. I forgot to add that the last post of 2010 was number 200. One of my New Years Resolutions is to be a better blogger, not just on this blog, but also on my family blog.

I haven't posted what happened at my followup appt to my D&C. It was Wednesday. I met the dr, she did the internal check and said my lady business is back in order and that if I didn't see AF in a week to call her so she could jumpstart it and then TTC again after that. She also said that if I'm not KU in 6 mos she can start doing other stuff. Silly woman, doesn't she know that this month marks 3 years for me and DH TTC. But she is my new dr and she has to see me 6 mos before starting anything, which is probably for the best since my DH changed jobs at the beginning of Dec and our previous insurance termed 12/31 and we won't have insurance until March. Please let nothing happen between now and then that would require surgery, radiology or an emergent care!

I am excited to know that she did say that in 6 mos she is willing to open up and help me. If we get to that point (I'm sure we will), I may be willing to venture into this IF game a little more. I never really thought we would do that, but now I do.

So New Year = New Possibilities. And hey, for our family as many others 2010 was not the best to us.. But it really wasn't the worst either. Happy New Year Everyone, I've got to finish up my resolutions.