Happy New Year

I am starting this year out with HOPE! And lots of it. Right now 2 blog friends are KU and I'm so excited. I want 2011 to be a good year for all and I'm full of hope that it will be!

Happy New Year to all that stop by my blog... Without you, I wouldn't be filled with the hope.

I really tried...

Tried not to post anything else about my m/c... For my sanity and to move on and to not keep boring the few readers I have. I have noticed that I don't have as many readers since my preg and/or m/c and I accept that in this TTC blogland. So I tried to not dwell or post, but today... Well today I would have been 12 weeks 1 day, and I planned on telling my family/friends this weekend. And I just started thinking about it in the shower this morning and realized that I haven't even thought of a new gift to give my mom and grandma that will replace what I originally wanted.

I'm also back on the "now I wonder when I will ovulate or have a normal C" train. Here's hoping that since I don't get to have the hope of being pregnant, that I will at the very least ovulate in a normal time frame!

Following Suit

Thank you Angie for your post. It made me think about what I need to be greatful for rather than not wanting to post here because all I seem to think about when I log on is the past few months.

I am very happy for the blogger friends that recently got their BFP's and wish them the best of luck. Normally, I felt overjoyed for others, but I'm having a hard time getting on blogger. I don't know if it is just because of the recent events in my own life that I have so much self pity or what. But, I am going to be grateful for what I have and try not to dwell on this.

All this said, I am so excited about changes with my job. I get to go part-time the first of January. I was looking for part time when I got this job so when an opening happened, I jumped on it. My boss was thrilled since she has a hard time filling part time positions. I am moving to different things though. I am currently working with those that are homeless or going to be without our assistance. I love it most days, but I hate turning some away because they aren't at risk enough. I am now going to be the food bank casemanager/coordinator. I will be taking applications and doing eligibility for our food bank and coordination food drops and pickups. Less stress but still helping the community... Can't go wrong with that. Because I'm not on here much anymore, I'm wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and hope that you have a safe holiday filled with blessings.

Also, good luck and sticky vibes to my PUPO friends!

In Rememberance....

I have decided that 3 m/c's is enough to go through not to have a rememberance, especially with this one going to 9 weeks. I'm going to get a tattoo done but I'm just not sure how I want it yet. I can't move on from this, my heart hurts.

Can't explain it (trigs)

Ever since my D&C last Thursday, I just keep wondering if I did the right thing. I found a website, about Blighted Ovum, and read religiously for the weeks I was pregnant and kept holding out hope that I was just going to be a 'late bloomer' and I would keep going in to my dr appointments and miraculously, there would be a baby one day with a strong heartbeat. After the last u/s, I was 9 weeks, and still nothing and the dr said that the sac hadn't grown and it was only 1.5 cm, so I knew in my brain that I was not going to be a story from the website. I scheduled my D&C.

Now, I'm making myself sick because I can't help but wonder if I had given it a couple more weeks, what would have happened?

I guess that I should be really thankful and feel lucky because I never full on bled and even still I am only spotting and haven't had too much pain, but that only makes me doubt myself more. I had the suction D&C so I really shouldn't have as much pain/bleeding but my heart just makes my head second-guess itself.

I am sorry that I keep going over my m/c and this D&C, but I can't turn to anyone else. I am extremely sorry about my dear friends Angie and Erin that they too are m/c. My heart pours out to Christina, who has lost both of her parents in a matter of weeks. I'm sorry I haven't shown more support to you ladies and have seemed caught up by my own drama... You mean the world to me and I will continue to think about and pray for you.

Got to move my focus...

I realize that life goes on, but it isn't so easy when you lose something that had so much value. A pregnancy is priceless, its loss can not really be named. Today, however, I MUST shift my thoughts and heart to something that is real. Today my baby girl turns 9. It tugged at my heart strings the other night when she prayed to God that she could help cheer me up. She shouldn't be worried about something like that. I should be focused on her. So that is exactly what I'm going to do. Today, my focus shifts to her! She is my baby and may be the last one I have so I'm going to make sure she knows just how much I love her and don't want to have to hear her pray for me... That is my job for her. Thank you all for your support the last couple days I appreciate it!

Days like today....

• Make me sad that IF wins so many victories.
• Make me feel so lucky to have my wonderful kids, even more so that is was when I was young and innocent and didn't realize what IF was.
• Make me feel so incredibly lucky to have my Husband. He has been amazing and I know this is hard on him too and I love him so much for taking care of me.
• Make me realize just how great my friends are!

Today, I'm no longer pregnant again and I'm dealing with it, but I don't think we should have to 'deal' with it.

*Extra hugs to all my IF friends for having to go through this day after day. And prayers are with my friend, ANGIE, as she works through her own IF heartache... 

  

 

Its All Said and Done....

I go in tomorrow for my D&C. I'm supposed to be 9 weeks and hearing the flutter of a heartbeat, instead, I get to have my uterus cleaned out from an empty sac that a baby never grew into it. This sucks major!

Did I mention that this is really bad timing for my new job. I had a full schedule of people tomorrow and state auditors coming and I won't be there to help. I feel guilty that I'm doing this to my boss and coworkers. I know I can't help this, but I can't shake the guilt.