Horrible Ending to my 2009

This post may have possible trigs....

These are my dogs, these WERE my dogs. I now only have one. : (

My dog (Sadie), the white one in the picture, got ran over today. I don't know if you remember my post a few months back of an old dog we had that got ran over right at our driveway...well this dog actually was found in the intersection kinda by our house. We live out in the country where dogs roam free and the ironic part is, my Sadie would never go anywhere unless she was following Missy (the tan one). My heart is broken and so is my little girls. My Sadie had a little nubbie tail that when she wagged, her whole butt shook. She had one eye that was black and I picked her from the litter just days after she was born. She was my baby, you know since I can't have another one. Now she is in Doggy Heaven and I miss her. I find this hard to swallow as the last day of the year, but the hopeful, optimistic side of me just feels that it was better today than starting the New Year out that way. I'm sorry for having such a depressing last post of the year, but I'm hoping that 2010 is better for all of us, even those who have had a wonderful year. Now, I'm going to think about and write down some New Year's Resolutions that I can actually keep with a little work.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

Not again!

So this C can just go on! It started out with me thinking that I was having a normal AF, which would have been a dream, but I should have known it was a nightmare. I lightly bled/spotted for almost a week, and at first had thought that it was AF. Then I started Heavy for 4 more days, I'm guessing to be the actual AF. I then had several incidents of random spotting/light bleeding. I'm thinking that it is either the fibroid tumors, endo or possibly a cyst(s).

When we started TTC a couple years ago, this same thing happened so I went in for the lap and D&C because of the random bleeding stuff and it ended up being more than I wanted to deal with. It was supposed to be fixed for a year or 2. Well.... Guess what!!!!!!!!!

January is the last month of our 2 years and February means 2 years since TTC and 2 years since the lap. I'm reaching the end of the road. I am now to the point that I am seriously aware that I'm probably not going to be able to have another child.

Christmas Poll

Christmas Poll


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love to WRAP...
2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial because I'm afraid of housefires that real ones sometimes bring
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually week after Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Week after New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? I like to mix 1/2 milk and 1/2 eggnog so it isn't too rich.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Cabbage Patch "Mikey"
7. Hardest person to buy for? my mom, she usually buys something when she wants it so never left to gift
8. Easiest person to buy for? my kids, they always want something and they are happy with anything
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I did in UT, but all my decorations got left there
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I always mail Christmas cards.
11. Worst Christmas ever? I don't remember any bad Christmas...but my step sister got the Peaches and Cream Barbie that I wanted and I got the "dumb" one when I was like 6...
12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? I love all the classics, Rudolph, Frosty, all of them.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually a few things in November, but my shopping gets serious starting the day after Thanksgiving right up til Christmas Eve.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, one mans trash is anothers treasure.
15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? We used to have homeade cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast...yum
16. Lights on the tree? yes, our tree is pre-lit :)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Winter Wonderland is my fave, but I like most of them
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? When I lived in UT, we didn't travel far but spent all day at different relatives homes. Now we stay home and go visit hubs grandma.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, RUDOLPH
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve Night(PJ's) and the rest on Christmas. THis year celebrating on Christmas Eve with step-daughter so some will be open then.
22. Name one annoying thing about this time of the year? People are mean/nasty at stores
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I have handmade photo on wood ornaments my mom made.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I am making another Turkey, they were on sale, but usually finger foods and snacks work for us.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? My children to have a wonderful Christmas and my friends to get BFPs..

Lunch with an Awesome Lady!

I got to meet one AWESOME lady today. I got to meet Sherry! I met her on WebMD last January and I feel so lucky to live close to her and be able to meet her. I feel bad that she got lost, too bad her trek to "the middle" wasn't a straight shot like mine, hope she got home ok!

Where we met:

Parting HUG:

A really cool road sign that has my Last Name....

One of them days...

I hate almost every aspect of my life. I know that I have alot to be thankful for, but the negative part of me is just getting to be overbearing. I can sit here and name 50 bad things to every 1 good thing....I'm not in a happy place. Furthermore, I need to realize that TTC just isn't for me. It wouldn't be fair for me to TTC and be successful and bring a child into my unhappy life. Besides with our economy, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support another child anyway.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of years. And believe it our not, since reaching adulthood, I really don't care about receiving gifts. I just want to make sure that I am able to provide for my children. So far I've done a pretty good job at it. This year is no exception I have made sure that they have been provided for and honestly I feel like now, anything else or anyone else can "suck it". I'm so NOT feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have lost a lot of faith in the past 2 years. I know that I believe in God and Jesus, but I have lost so much faith and I am not in a good place.

I am very lucky to be blessed with my 2 beautiful children and they mean the absolute world to me, I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I try to be very careful about how I act around them because I don't want them to see just how unhappy I am. I definitely don't want them to think they did anything to make me feel this way. I grew up thinking I was the route of all my single-mom's problems and I always felt guilty when something went wrong, I don't ever want my children to feel that way. Honestly, the only reason I make it through each day is because I love them so very much and I don't ever want to lose them. Thank God I have them or I don't know what kind of a person I would be, probably non-existent.

***********************************************************************

I went to court last night. Because I proved I had insurance and recently got a tag on my car, they dismissed both tickets on the condition that I pay court costs- $218, way better than the original $343 that it was gonna cost. And they are giving me until Jan 21st to pay. I think I can handle that since they won't be on my record. The judge was nice, unlike the police officer that gave me the damn ticket..... Oh well, my fault...you live and learn.

yuck

Baby It's Cold Outside.... Its rainy and cold. I can't complain too bad because my family in UT have been getting lots of snow and close to 0 degree temps in the last week. Its 46 out right now and the rain is cold, I know...wah wah...I'm trying to deal with it but I'm tired of being sick and when it goes from 75 one day to 45 the next and repeats, my body doesn't like it! Now through AF in all her glory into the mix and I'm just a ball of joy!

Only 13 more days until Christmas! I can't believe it. Most years I have been done shopping like a month ago, but this year I still have to buy some things. We have the kids taken care of, so that is the main thing to me...anyone else is just the cherry on the sundae... UMMM I could go for a sundae right now.

See how random my mind is... One minute I'm talking about the cold weather and by the end of the post I want a sundae...with lots of hot fudge!!! YUM

A little triggery

Here I sit feelin so bad that AF is here and my tummy hurts so bad and I decide I need a "pick me up", so I start my blog stalking.... Well, what better pick me up than THIS!

Misty, I am so flippin happy for you! I will be praying for you and your DH, how awesome! I don't feel so bad anymore, only a little.

Dot's Giveaway

Check out Dot's Giveaway! She has some pretty awesome stuff and drawing is Monday.....

Good Luck to all!

Wow... I can't believe it!!!!

For the first time in 2 yrs, I am having a 'normal' C. It was only 27 days and no pre-AF spotting. I even had EWCM and PMS signs that there was no question AF was coming. During the last 12 mos, I've only had 8 AFs, a chem pregnancy, 3 of the C's lasted longer than 45 days and all had been longer than 30.

Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely didn't want AF to show up and I'm sure that I will have my good cry and junk food binge in the next couple of days...but I am so happy to finally get back to a 'normal' C. Even more, I'm pretty sure I won't see AF on Christmas or the New Year... :)

A real eye-opener

Possible TRIGS ahead
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
............
.............
..............
...............



Today is a special day! Today happens to be my sweet baby girl's 8th birthday. She is my baby and I can't believe that she is 8 years old already. I was sitting here thinking about how to do a post that gives her a special "Happy Birthday" without causing major trigs to those readers that are presently TTC. I don't know a way to do it so forgive me.

In the past 8 years my daughter has been through a lot, a few things that make her who she is...

• She almost died before she was ever in my arms.
• She didn't walk/talk until 3 years old.
• She was diagnosed with Ataxia and rule out of Cerebral Palsy and they still don't have anything else definite.
• She has had 3 MRI's of her head and 2 MRI's of neck and back.
• She has had EMG, EEG, and EKGs along with many other tests.
• She has had 4 sets of tubes in her ears and 60% deaf in her Left Ear.
• She was moved cross-country away from her extended family because her mommy fell in love.
• She has the best big brother a girl could ask for.
• She can hear a song on the radio 1 time and sing it the next but can't remember what she did yesterday.
• She can memorize a book word for word, but doesn't really know what she has read.
• She will know the answer to a question, but not answer you until 10 mins later.
• She comes up with the most random things to say.
• She is an Angel.
• She is a miracle.
• She doesn't know how special she is.
• I LOVE HER TO DEATH!

It makes me realize that I need to concentrate a little more on the time I have with her, rather than so much on TTC.