Be Prepared..this is my vent

So here I am wishing that I could announce my trigs and that I am done on the TTC journey, but not this time. I have had the craziest cycle and I had given up hope of being pregnant and just wasn't feeling it, when I being the "pee on a stick" addict that I am....took several tests this weekend that were positive.

I went in for a blood test Monday...HcG: 21... Not a very good number. I was still spotting only with wipe at this point and didn't figure this was a good sign. Then Tuesday, I was no longer spotting and it was more of a very light flow, went to the ER nervous and scared and they re-tested: HcG: 54... What? More than doubled..Wahoo.. That was good right? WRONG. Went in this morning for f/u testing.. HcG: 17...

I am now officially miscarrying and flow is getting stronger.... I feel like SHIT! I just want to go to bed and never get out again! I was sad, then ok, now sad and mad. I am an emotional train wreck! I know that I really want to be ok with this and I know that it just isn't the right time according to the Lord's plan...but my selfish self JUST WANTS A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can anyone hear me? I think I am a good mom, I know I already have children...but I think that I could offer love and support to another, along with my dear husband.

And then there is that...my dear husband. Who gets told "I'm Pregnant!" then "I'm probably miscarrying cause my number is low" then "I'm Pregnant and my number Doubled.." now, "I'm sorry, but I really am miscarrying now". I feel like he did his part...he got me pregnant....but what the heck is wrong with me that I can't stay pregnant? Logically I know that there is a 20% chance of miscarrying in the 1st trimester and 50% chance if you are bleeding, so I should never have gotten my hopes up...but I was suckered in..

I know, I know

I suck at blogging. I have had a really hard time getting on here since I created my blog. I haven't even been on WebMD boards either. Something weird is going on down there... WARNING...TMI possible. I am now on CD47. I am pretty sure that I O'd on CD42 but this C has been crazy. I spotted on CD31-34, only upon wiping I saw pink. Then I started spotting again on CD41 and then nothing, until last night. At 9:00, there was nothing in my pantyliner or anywhere and I went to use the bathroom...I gushed out blood, so much I charted heavy thinking good ole AF started. Well, I used my norm, a tampon and I went to RR at 1:00 this morning and was about to change it and nothing more than an itty bitty spot of brown was on it, almost barely there.... SO now I'm confused..>WTH???? Nothing there again today. So I changed it from heavy to spotting on FF..is that right? And what is going on?

Going Public

So this is my first public post letting people in on the personal side of my everyday life. The life that many don't know about. The one where I wake up taking temps, checking CM, checking CP, charting, OPK's and 2WW. I have another blog that just details our family but because of the followers, I don't really feel that I can talk about TTC. I have had so much support with my friends on WebMd that I decided to start my own blog that just focuses on TTC...apart from the family blog.