Thursday, December 31, 2009

Horrible Ending to my 2009

This post may have possible trigs....



These are my dogs, these WERE my dogs. I now only have one. : (

My dog (Sadie), the white one in the picture, got ran over today. I don't know if you remember my post a few months back of an old dog we had that got ran over right at our driveway...well this dog actually was found in the intersection kinda by our house. We live out in the country where dogs roam free and the ironic part is, my Sadie would never go anywhere unless she was following Missy (the tan one). My heart is broken and so is my little girls. My Sadie had a little nubbie tail that when she wagged, her whole butt shook. She had one eye that was black and I picked her from the litter just days after she was born. She was my baby, you know since I can't have another one. Now she is in Doggy Heaven and I miss her. I find this hard to swallow as the last day of the year, but the hopeful, optimistic side of me just feels that it was better today than starting the New Year out that way. I'm sorry for having such a depressing last post of the year, but I'm hoping that 2010 is better for all of us, even those who have had a wonderful year. Now, I'm going to think about and write down some New Year's Resolutions that I can actually keep with a little work.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Not again!

So this C can just go on! It started out with me thinking that I was having a normal AF, which would have been a dream, but I should have known it was a nightmare. I lightly bled/spotted for almost a week, and at first had thought that it was AF. Then I started Heavy for 4 more days, I'm guessing to be the actual AF. I then had several incidents of random spotting/light bleeding. I'm thinking that it is either the fibroid tumors, endo or possibly a cyst(s).

When we started TTC a couple years ago, this same thing happened so I went in for the lap and D&C because of the random bleeding stuff and it ended up being more than I wanted to deal with. It was supposed to be fixed for a year or 2. Well.... Guess what!!!!!!!!!

January is the last month of our 2 years and February means 2 years since TTC and 2 years since the lap. I'm reaching the end of the road. I am now to the point that I am seriously aware that I'm probably not going to be able to have another child.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Poll

Christmas Poll


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love to WRAP...
2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial because I'm afraid of housefires that real ones sometimes bring
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually week after Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Week after New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? I like to mix 1/2 milk and 1/2 eggnog so it isn't too rich.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Cabbage Patch "Mikey"
7. Hardest person to buy for? my mom, she usually buys something when she wants it so never left to gift
8. Easiest person to buy for? my kids, they always want something and they are happy with anything
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I did in UT, but all my decorations got left there
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I always mail Christmas cards.
11. Worst Christmas ever? I don't remember any bad Christmas...but my step sister got the Peaches and Cream Barbie that I wanted and I got the "dumb" one when I was like 6...
12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? I love all the classics, Rudolph, Frosty, all of them.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually a few things in November, but my shopping gets serious starting the day after Thanksgiving right up til Christmas Eve.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, one mans trash is anothers treasure.
15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? We used to have homeade cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast...yum
16. Lights on the tree? yes, our tree is pre-lit :)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Winter Wonderland is my fave, but I like most of them
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? When I lived in UT, we didn't travel far but spent all day at different relatives homes. Now we stay home and go visit hubs grandma.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, RUDOLPH
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve Night(PJ's) and the rest on Christmas. THis year celebrating on Christmas Eve with step-daughter so some will be open then.
22. Name one annoying thing about this time of the year? People are mean/nasty at stores
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I have handmade photo on wood ornaments my mom made.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I am making another Turkey, they were on sale, but usually finger foods and snacks work for us.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? My children to have a wonderful Christmas and my friends to get BFPs..

Monday, December 21, 2009

Lunch with an Awesome Lady!

I got to meet one AWESOME lady today. I got to meet Sherry! I met her on WebMD last January and I feel so lucky to live close to her and be able to meet her. I feel bad that she got lost, too bad her trek to "the middle" wasn't a straight shot like mine, hope she got home ok!

Where we met:















Parting HUG:















A really cool road sign that has my Last Name....


Friday, December 18, 2009

One of them days...

I hate almost every aspect of my life. I know that I have alot to be thankful for, but the negative part of me is just getting to be overbearing. I can sit here and name 50 bad things to every 1 good thing....I'm not in a happy place. Furthermore, I need to realize that TTC just isn't for me. It wouldn't be fair for me to TTC and be successful and bring a child into my unhappy life. Besides with our economy, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support another child anyway.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of years. And believe it our not, since reaching adulthood, I really don't care about receiving gifts. I just want to make sure that I am able to provide for my children. So far I've done a pretty good job at it. This year is no exception I have made sure that they have been provided for and honestly I feel like now, anything else or anyone else can "suck it". I'm so NOT feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have lost a lot of faith in the past 2 years. I know that I believe in God and Jesus, but I have lost so much faith and I am not in a good place.

I am very lucky to be blessed with my 2 beautiful children and they mean the absolute world to me, I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I try to be very careful about how I act around them because I don't want them to see just how unhappy I am. I definitely don't want them to think they did anything to make me feel this way. I grew up thinking I was the route of all my single-mom's problems and I always felt guilty when something went wrong, I don't ever want my children to feel that way. Honestly, the only reason I make it through each day is because I love them so very much and I don't ever want to lose them. Thank God I have them or I don't know what kind of a person I would be, probably non-existent.

***********************************************************************

I went to court last night. Because I proved I had insurance and recently got a tag on my car, they dismissed both tickets on the condition that I pay court costs- $218, way better than the original $343 that it was gonna cost. And they are giving me until Jan 21st to pay. I think I can handle that since they won't be on my record. The judge was nice, unlike the police officer that gave me the damn ticket..... Oh well, my fault...you live and learn.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

yuck

Baby It's Cold Outside.... Its rainy and cold. I can't complain too bad because my family in UT have been getting lots of snow and close to 0 degree temps in the last week. Its 46 out right now and the rain is cold, I know...wah wah...I'm trying to deal with it but I'm tired of being sick and when it goes from 75 one day to 45 the next and repeats, my body doesn't like it! Now through AF in all her glory into the mix and I'm just a ball of joy!

Only 13 more days until Christmas! I can't believe it. Most years I have been done shopping like a month ago, but this year I still have to buy some things. We have the kids taken care of, so that is the main thing to me...anyone else is just the cherry on the sundae... UMMM I could go for a sundae right now.

See how random my mind is... One minute I'm talking about the cold weather and by the end of the post I want a sundae...with lots of hot fudge!!! YUM

Friday, December 11, 2009

A little triggery

Here I sit feelin so bad that AF is here and my tummy hurts so bad and I decide I need a "pick me up", so I start my blog stalking.... Well, what better pick me up than THIS!

Misty, I am so flippin happy for you! I will be praying for you and your DH, how awesome! I don't feel so bad anymore, only a little.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dot's Giveaway

Check out Dot's Giveaway! She has some pretty awesome stuff and drawing is Monday.....

Good Luck to all!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wow... I can't believe it!!!!

For the first time in 2 yrs, I am having a 'normal' C. It was only 27 days and no pre-AF spotting. I even had EWCM and PMS signs that there was no question AF was coming. During the last 12 mos, I've only had 8 AFs, a chem pregnancy, 3 of the C's lasted longer than 45 days and all had been longer than 30.

Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely didn't want AF to show up and I'm sure that I will have my good cry and junk food binge in the next couple of days...but I am so happy to finally get back to a 'normal' C. Even more, I'm pretty sure I won't see AF on Christmas or the New Year... :)

Friday, December 4, 2009

A real eye-opener

Possible TRIGS ahead
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Today is a special day! Today happens to be my sweet baby girl's 8th birthday. She is my baby and I can't believe that she is 8 years old already. I was sitting here thinking about how to do a post that gives her a special "Happy Birthday" without causing major trigs to those readers that are presently TTC. I don't know a way to do it so forgive me.

In the past 8 years my daughter has been through a lot, a few things that make her who she is...
  • She almost died before she was ever in my arms.
  • She didn't walk/talk until 3 years old.
  • She was diagnosed with Ataxia and rule out of Cerebral Palsy and they still don't have anything else definite.
  • She has had 3 MRI's of her head and 2 MRI's of neck and back.
  • She has had EMG, EEG, and EKGs along with many other tests.
  • She has had 4 sets of tubes in her ears and 60% deaf in her Left Ear.
  • She was moved cross-country away from her extended family because her mommy fell in love.
  • She has the best big brother a girl could ask for.
  • She can hear a song on the radio 1 time and sing it the next but can't remember what she did yesterday.
  • She can memorize a book word for word, but doesn't really know what she has read.
  • She will know the answer to a question, but not answer you until 10 mins later.
  • She comes up with the most random things to say.
  • She is an Angel.
  • She is a miracle.
  • She doesn't know how special she is.
  • I LOVE HER TO DEATH!

It makes me realize that I need to concentrate a little more on the time I have with her, rather than so much on TTC.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

And now its finished!

Now I can relax. Our dinner went well. I love that you spend days preparing for it and it is gone in minutes. I saw something on facebook the other day that said it takes days to prepare Thanksgiving and only 12 mins to devour it. Halftime of football is also 12 mins....COINCIDENCE...???? I thought that was cute.

I'm just glad that the stress can stop and I can enjoy the rest of my long weekend. But first I wanted to express my thanks because I am very thankful for so many things. I'll only list a few....

  • Family (they are the ones that know me best and still love me)
  • Internet Friends (they are less judging and going through same stuff as me)
  • IRL Friends (there is always a story)
  • Infertility Issues (yeah, I'm thankful, only because it has made me stronger)
  • Jesus (Even though I lose my faith, I still feel His Comfort)

Thank you all so much for reading my blog, being my friend/support and just plain being you! Have a safe and enjoyable Holiday.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

And so it begins.....

I have the chicken boiling to make chicken and dumplings, pecan pies in the oven and the turkey has been injected and placed in the oven bag and put in the fridge ready to cook tomorrow.

I am waking up at 3:00 a.m. to put the turkey in the oven so it will be done by 8:30. I will then make corn casserole, green bean casserole and sweet potato casserole. While they are baking I will finish up the chicken and dumpling and make the stuffing on the stove. Did I mention that I don't really like any of this except the chicken and dumplings? Where I am from, we did mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, ham, turkey, yams, and a veggie tray.... I really want potatoes and gravy, but I don't want to cook anymore.

Anyway, I will be busy tomorrow but will try and post tomorrow evening....

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

5 days

As of 3 hrs ago, I get 5 days with my children and DH. That is what I am THANKFUL for! It isn't very often that we are all off at the same time. Right now I am not working, but usually my DH doesn't get the same days or all of the same days off and this time he does... Tomorrow we are all going to do a thorough clean up of the house in lieu of our expected guests. Then I am going to make the pies tomorrow so that it will be one less thing that I have to do on Thursday...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Family Pics

So, I have been married to my DH for almost 2 years and we don't have a single picture together or as a family. I have gotten Alex and Breyna's pics done every year but not one as a family..... So Saturday, it was overdue.... Here they are.








Saturday, November 21, 2009

All is well...

I was able to fix my computer all by myself and not have to shell out a dime for it!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of proud of myself for being able to do it after getting so frustrated and negative.

On a more positive note, we went and got family pics done today, I will post them in the near future...

Friday, November 20, 2009

SOOOOO HARD

I am trying so hard to stay positive and not negative...so here is today's post...

Thank you to the wonderful people who put an app on F.ace.boo.k called "Fam.ily Li.nk". They were so nice when I tried to access the app, they gave my laptop a worm... A VIRUS... Trojan worm virus thing. I am so grateful that I am not working currently so that I could spend the last 15 hrs trying to remove this from my laptop and I'm even more grateful that it is taking up more of my time....

I have now got to experience 3 different virus scan makers, and even though they found the virus, they claim that the virus is being blocked. I am pleased to tell you, it isn't blocked and my computer is testing my patience today. I love not being able to see any icons on my desktop, it looks so clean. I love all the fake virus scan pop-ups that the virus causes.

Oh, screw this... I HATE MY COMPUTER, I HATE VIRUSES, I HATE FACEBOOK and I'm thoroughly sick and tired of spending so much DAMN time on my computer trying to fix it. FYI, if your computer pops up a box that mimics Wind.ows defe.nder and tells you that you have something attacking your computer......use your own software because it probably really isn't the real Windows. YeAh YeAh, my fault for being stupid, but in my defense, it looked real....just like my Win.dows Defe.nder...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

AbSoLuTeLy NoThInG

I'm about to jinx myself if I don't knock on wood, but....... NOTHING bad has happened to me today. My hubby is in HVAC work and he actually worked close enough to the house to come home for lunch, positive #1. Then, my little girl got her school pics back, not sure why my son didn't since they go to same school but maybe his will come home tomorrow. Then we had a very yummy dinner at a little cafe that we had never been in. We then came home and did our nightly ritual, played Monopoly. It was fun and it was a good day.

I'm trying to look at all positives, no negative. My mom is always telling me about "The Secret". Which is basically a concept of thinking positive to bring positive and the more pessimistic you are, the worse things turn out. I have always been a believer of this. For many years I could find the good in anything and over the past 2 years I have been slowly turning into a pessimistic. It is time for me to take back control of my feelings. Afterall, one of my fave quotes is something like, its not what you are dealt, but how you deal with what you receive. That is what I'm going to start working harder at.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

ICING on my misery cake

I just got pulled over, yep, thats right....lets add on to yesterdays list.

We just bought this car from DH's grandma and she lost the title, so I have not been able to tag it yet. They told me that I would be ok for 21 days with a bill of sale and after that go in for a temp tag if title hasn't came. Well, we were just a little dumb, but we put on an old license plate we had just to avoid getting pulled over. We figured that way at least we would have an in-date plate on the car.

Well the great police in my city decided to run my tag for no apparent reason and of course when it came back not matching, I got pulled over. Not only that, but I'm sure they were thinking I stole the car because next thing I know, 3, yes 3 police cars are surrounding me after the original officer already talked to me and had my license and bill of sale. I was so scared and shaking that I couldn't hardly talk and I definitely had no idea why I was being pulled over. Apparently while I ran into Subway, they must have ran my plate because as I was leaving no cars were behind me and I pulled into a gas station and the police car came out of nowhere and pulled in behind me with the lights going. He got out and came up to me and told me how my plates didn't match the car and asked me if I knew that was totally illegal.

Oh, and my damn insurance card is not in the car! So I get a ticket for the tag issue and the insurance. At least I can try and fight the insurance one. I am not saying that I didn't deserve this, but JUST go ahead and add this to yesterdays post since I'm going to end up paying $343 before 12/17/09..... MERRY CHRISTMAS

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Just Another Thing....

Do you ever feel like everything that can go wrong, does??? I'm sure that I'm being over-dramatic and my life isn't that bad, but lately I feel like I just can't get a break. Since my car accident in July, it seems like I just keep getting more and more on the plate. Is that supposed to be a sign that we couldn't afford to have a baby right now? I honestly believe that there is a reason for everything, but I'm just not sure what the reason for all of this is yet.

In the last 4 months:
  • I wrecked our driveable car.
  • My son was in ICU because of the wreck, doing better now though.
  • Our fridge quit.
  • The "new" used car we got ended up being a lemon.
  • DH ended up inpatient in the hospital because of stomach problems.
  • We sold my DH's old truck because it quit running and we didn't want to keep pouring money into it.
  • We got a car from DH's grandma that runs but is almost as old as me..
  • The company DH works for is no longer going to let employees drive vehicles home, so now we have to figure out how he will get to and from work.
  • Our washer bit the dust last night.
I guess I should just be thankful that we are all alive and healthy and have a roof over our head at this point. I'm guessing that it doesn't matter how much I want to continue TTC, our financial situation is going to make that decision for me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Gem



Thank you Sherry!!!!

The You're a Gem! award is for the special bloggers who take the time not only to read my posts, but also leave comments, respond to comments, form blog friendships with and support others, answer blogger questions, etc. . . . the ones who are "a real gem" in the bloggy world! The bloggy world wouldn't be the same without you! The only rule for this award is to accept it, display it proudly on your blog for all the bloggy world to see your greatness, and/or pass it on to other bloggers as you see fit. So, to the following bloggers I say, "you're a gem to me" and here is your award!


I know that most of the "Gems" I nominate have already received the award, but here is who I would pick:

Sherry
Christina
E
Dot
Kitty
Robin

I would also nominate Emily and Jen from WebMd, they are faithful blog followers and always make my day to have their comments!

Change of Heart

I just want you ladies to know how much I appreciate each and everyone of you. Here is just one example of how strong and influential your posts/blogs are to me....

I decided to stop TTC because of this nasty AF, I even took my first BCP yesterday in almost 2 years....Then, I read Christina's post this morning. I can't stop TTC. I can't give up yet. I have this dream and yearning that is so strong and deep and I can't stop it just because once a month I am put through the ringer. It is a small price to pay to go through 2 HELL days a month (the most heavy and painful only last 2) to possibly become preggers. So this morning, I didn't take a BCP and I'm not going to...YET.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I HATE HER!!!!!

Yes, I used the word HATE!! I don't use it often because it is a very strong word, and I hardly ever use it when talking about someone, because mostly I don't hold too many grudges....BUT

I HATE the NaStY, mEaN, wIcKeD, AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was uncomfortable and not feeling well because of her already, well sometime in the middle of the night she decided that wasn't enough. I changed my monthly earring 3 times during the night and woke up to find if I would have waited 10 more mins I would have bled all over our bed!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUCK... sorry if that gave anyone a mental picture.

On a better note, DH's daughter didn't announce she was pregnant, only that she thinks she is. She hasn't missed a period yet, but she has been sick for the past few days. So sick she can't even cook hamburger meat because the smell has been bugging her. She also informed me that she takes HPTs every month to make sure she's not preggers...yeah OK..WHATEVER! She has been trying to get pregnant ever since she was 15, and she has succeeded once. OMG, why am I so jealous? I know she is doing better now with this new bf, who DID ask permission to marry her last night. She still wouldn't know what to do if she had to be by herself with her daughter for more than a few hours, so at least he is there too and he is good with them both!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday the 13th...

So today has been a living hell. First, the day before yesterday the belt on my car broke and had to be towed home... I have been driving our POS car that I've been trying to get rid of, it dies anytime it is idling. It drives great, but doesn't want to idle at any stop signs or stop lights... ANNOYING.

Second, the witch is being awfully mean to me and I feel like total CRAP!!!! I wish I could just go lay down with my heating pad and pain pill. But my house has been put off for the last week because I was sick and I really need to clean. I have laundry, dishes and plain straightening up to do. The little stuff that isn't necessary is just gonna have to wait.

Third, my DH's daughter and boyfriend are coming over tonight. They called the other day and asked if they could come over tonight because her bf wants to talk to DH. Well, they are already kinda planning on getting married in April so I'm pretty sure he is gonna ask DH for permission tonight. I also have the feeling that she has been TTC since she has been ever since she was 15 and already has 1 child that is almost 5. She is actually doing better at being a mom since being with her BF and he takes really good care of her and the baby, but if she announces that she is KU anytime soon....I will lose it emotionally. Mainly because up until recently, she wasn't that good of a mother. And I will be extremely jealous and will not be able to see how it is fair for her to have another when all my TTC sisters can't.....

Anyway....here's praying that the rest of today/tonight go better...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm Out

This C is officially a bust! I have had spot since Tuesday night and tonight I believe she is here.... DAMN Witch anyway! Back to the decision of keep on TTC or BCPs through the holidays. If I decide not to use the BCPs, and continue to have these long C's, I will most likely see AF on Christmas...not something that will be welcome!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Endo....BLAH

First, LOL Caitlin.....I don't expect you to remember all of my probs....

So my history..... Well when I was 15, I didn't have a lap but my AF started to get to the point that all I could do is curl up and squawl. Then I started blacking out/passing out. My mom took me to the dr and they put me on BCP and that helped a little, but they were still very painful and very heavy.

When I was 19, I went through a phase of not eating very often, in hopes to lose weight and I wasn't living healthy...My periods got lighter and sporadic at that time. I ended up getting preggers and after I had my son, I actually had normal periods for a year and got KU with my daughter. Then for another 2 years my periods were actually normal again and slowly got worse and worse.

Two years ago, I married my DH and at the time, we didn't plan on TTC right away. But right after I got to AL, I couldn't stop bleeding. We were newlyweds and I was bleeding everyday for a month. I went to the dr and they did a lap. They found fibroid tumors and endo. The cut out the tumors and biopsied them, they were benign. And they burned off the endo. I kind of knew about the endo because my dr in UT pretty much told me that before but when I was younger, I didn't have the opportunity to do the lap.

Anyway, my dr said that when you get preggers, it is kind of like a magic eraser for endo...temporarily. Because my endo was mainly on my lining and ovaries, when I was preggers I didn't have it any longer. He also said that it usually takes about a year or two that you are in the clear before it comes back. My dr here in AL said the same thing and that the LAP was kind of like a bandaid and would only last for about a year, maybe 2. Well, right after the LAP, I took Lupron...OH, what a joy....NOT!!!!

At this point, I wonder if I might not also have PCOS because of my irregular C's and hormone imbalance. You see, I'm a very heavy person and when I was preggers, I lost 70 lbs and my girl was still 8 lbs 5 oz, and it only took 6 weeks for me to put it all on. My dr thinks that the preg hormones actually stabilize my body/thyroid/metabolism and that I have a hormonal imbalance on a regular basis...this I have not confirmed so its just a theory. But, it is my next step to get checked out.

And besides all of this, my DH was told years ago his sperm count was low. They had him tested when he was married to his late wife and it took them 5 years to get preg with their 2nd child.

Thanks to Sherry, I do have the endo diet and I try to stick to it....but its hard....

And thats me in a NUTshell... :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just A Guess.....

It's not going to happen this month. I just used the RR and spot was there, I'm sure AF will follow either tomorrow or Thursday. It was fun to think positive for awhile though, no I'm back to my poor, pity-me self. I guess I can count this C as another retarded long irregular. I gave myself 2 yrs and that will be up in February. Now that I'm reaching my goal, I don't know that I want to give up. If it weren't for the freakin' Endo, I wouldn't, but AF is starting to be more than just a major pain every month... Its getting to the unbearable state again. Here's hopin' when she gets here, she will take it easy on me.

Not So Bad

The weather is not sooo bad, but Ida just made landfall, so not sure what to expect mid-morning. All the rain has passed through the night and there aren't any more big bands coming with Ida, just strong winds and possible power outages. We are also on for tornado watches and flood watches, I guess tornadic activity is normal with Hurricanes. I kept the kids home anyway. I know, I know, bad mommy...but we are gonna have an indoor game day. I don't usually let the kids stay home just because so they think they are pretty neat today. Truth is, last time we had storms, I sent them to school only to go back 1/2 hr later when tornadoes where hitting..

Monday, November 9, 2009

Not yet...

Still nothing to update. No AF, and I haven't taken an HPT since Friday. I might have to go get a dollar test today... We'll see. I have to go into town to fill up the gas tank so I might just venture over and see if they have any tests. If they do, I was meant to buy one and if they don't...well you know.

On the weather front, Hurricane Ida is expected to come right on top of us sometime tomorrow. I live just about the Florida panhandle on the AL border and they are saying it will come at us at Hurricane 1 strength when it hits the coast and may die to tropical storm hitting us. That means about 50mph wind and lots of rain and tornadic activity spinning of the storm... I'm scared. I have only been in AL for 2 years and I have only seen reminants of hurricanes, like the rain after. We have been flooded because of those, but I'm really worried about this! I will be doing a lot of praying and I don't plan on sending my kids to school tomorrow because I don't want them stuck there if something bad happens. In 2007, a tornado hit here and killed kids that were trapped under a wall at school. It was in the town we just moved from 30 miles away, so fears are very close to home and everyone takes these storms very seriously!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Just Because....

Just Because:
  • You relax and don't monitor when you O'd, doesn't help you relax during what should be the 2ww.
  • You  take 100 HPT's, doesn't mean you will get a positive!
  • You want something to happen, doesn't mean it will!
  • All you think about is having a baby, doesn't make it happen.
  • Your TTC friends deserve get KU, doesn't make it so..

 
How crummy. I decided that the more I want this, the less likely it is becoming. I hate that I not only cry over AF visiting me every month, but every time one of my TTC friends gets a BFN or AF visits....it tears my heart apart as if it were my own. Every time I have another friend that has to give up the TTC dream because of money, age, family issues, or plain exhaustion....it saddens me deeper. I have so many scars on this TTC heart, and they aren't all mine, but they feel as if they are. Thank you to all you wonderful ladies that are soo supportive! You are precious gifts and I don't know how I could go through this without you!

 
Update: NO, AF has still not shown for me. I have temped the last 9 days and they have been post-O temps so I'm expecting her anyday since my LP is usually right around 12 days. I have probably taken a dozen tests in the last 2 weeks (thank goodness most were $$ tests), and the only lines I see are evap lines, and yes they happen very regularly on the $$ store brand test (in as little as 10 mins).

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Non-TTC Post

So yesterday was crazy! Here is a little info about me that some know and some don't. My DH is a widower, he has 2 adult children. The 19 year old son, K, lives with us. K is in the National Guard and that is about all he does...NOTHING else. He will be shipped out for basic training the end of December and will actually be forced to live an adult life for almost a year, I'm glad!

Anyway, on with my story. Thursday night K was to go to the city we just moved from and stay with some friends since he had to report at "Drill" on Saturday morning. The city is about 1 hr away from where we live now and he called his friends and told them he was on his way. Yesterday, when I was in Gaga land wanting to buy HPTs, I get a call from 1 of the friends saying K never made it to his house or the other friend he stays with. Then the other friends mother calls me and is worried saying K called her personally and he still hasn't made it. So the next few hours went on searching for K, calling hospitals, friends, jails, etc. My husband was told by Police Dept that a car (same as K's) was found in trees and boy was unconscious. We went into panic mode, but didn't know if it was K or not. We went fast as can be to pull my kids out of school since we didn't know what was going on, then we took off towards the city to see if we could find him. Turns out he was not the one in the wrecked car and he was found as we were approaching the city. He had decided to stay with a different friend, but didn't bother to call anyone and let them know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is ok and not hurt.... But my DH lost 5 hrs of work with no pay, I pulled my 2 children out of school and we had everyone and their dog looking for him! Not to mention me and DH could have had a panic attack or stroke with our nerves going like they were.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Dang IT

They still don't have any $$ tests, they don't even have anymore of the $4 tests.... Guess I will need to venture to other stores...hmm, Walmart? Rite Aid? Where should I go? I think WalMart since I know they have $4 tests too.

Feelin Antsy

So, yeah...I'm about to take myself down to the Dol.lar Gen.eral and by some more HPTs.. I'm going through POAS withdrawals and I wanna see 2 lines!!!!!! THINK POSITIVE.....Power of "The Sec.ret".

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Impatiently Waiting

Thats right, now on CD35 and nothing. I do know that I O'd, but not sure when. I know this because my temps have been at post-O for at least 7 days, I tried not to temp, but I couldn't stand it! I also remember having EWCM about 2 weeks ago. I had spotting about the same time but thought it was from FD, but not sure. I will continue to temp now because I'm waiting for the DROP. I keep telling myself there is no need to test and I'll just keep wasting money, but when I can get tests for a dollar and there is still a possibility....its really hard! I have not tested today, but I'm thinking that I will tomorrow, I don't have enough will power not too...

Oh yeah, on other news, I wasn't able to sign up for the month of posting thing, but if you will notice I have posted everyday this month so far, hopefully that won't jinx anything and I will continue.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm thinking...not this time????

I couldn't stand it no more. Even though the dollar store didn't have anymore tests, they did have the $4 tests that I don't usually get. Well, I took it after lunch, NEGATIVE. So maybe my $$ test was just a fluke. I am now on CD34 and no idea when I O'd so something needs to happen soon.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Can you believe it?

I DIDN'T test this morning. Not that I didn't want to, I have been dying to. But, I went to Dollar General last night since that is the only place in our little town that I can get $$ HPTs and they had no more. I am pretty cheap and refuse to spend a lot on HPTs, mainly because if I spend a lot and it comes up BFN, I feel like I wasted money. I'm not sure when I'll be able to test again, hopefully soon or I'll have to break down and pay high dollar... I know, I'm cheap!

Honest!



Thanks E!!!!
This award comes with some rules as well:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it. (Yep)
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself. (See below.)
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have I encouraged you. (Also below.)
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award. (Shortly...)


1. I have never met some of my best friends ever!
2. I have so many high hopes every month until I see pink/red
3. The love for my children is never-ending
4. I love my DH more than I ever thought was possible
5. I'm scared everyday about what is in my future
6. I miss my family in UT so much it hurts!
7. I love being a Stay At Home Mom.
8. I am a POASaholic
9. I am very quick tempered, but can forgive most things
10. I am a good cook

Okay....I nominate......

Dot
Sherry
Christina
Kitty
Gabsy
Kristen
Caitlin

Monday, November 2, 2009

50th Post - Insane in the Membrane

Someone seriously needs to do an intervention with me and HPTs. I mean now!! I see lines...don't know if they are really there or evap or what... Seems to me if they were true positives they would get darker. This morning I saw a line (faint) on a dollar store HPT. This was with FMU and at 4:30am. I saw the faint line through tired, cold-mess eyes. I was so happy that I couldn't sleep and when my DH was up and getting ready for work, I asked him if he saw it...he did too. But at this point 2 hrs had passed and it started to look more like an evap line, even though when I saw it the first time it was about 7 mins after.

Well, the POASaholic that I am, I had to take another one...good thing that I always buy them in bulk and had another one.. But this time...NO LINE.... So now what.... is a line a line or was I seeing things through blurry eyes and DH seeing an evap line? AGHHHH! How long should I wait to retest. I hate to get my hopes up. Especially since I don't even know for sure that I O'd this month....but I have never not O'd. I have had a couple of REALLY long cycles though...like 50 days...and I'm on CD31 now. I have had no spotting whatsoever so I don't think AF is around the corner but not sure if she should be or now, most C's are between 27-30 days on a normal basis. And for a BPT we would have to pay out of pocket as no coverage for this.

Like I said, I seriously need an intervention!!! Even though I'm trying my hardest to relax...I CAN'T!

Monday, October 26, 2009

One is the Loneliest Number....

Being that I am a POASaholic and have no idea when/if I ovulated this C, I have been POAS for the last 3 days and will continue to do so because that is just the way I am. Now, if the HPTs would just cooperate and give me the much needed 2 lines rather than leaving one lonely line, that would be GREAT! So in order to achieve my goal I have written the following letter...

Dear God of the HPTs,
   Please send some magical baby dust and sticky vibes and let there be 2 lines, my HPTs are starting to feel bad with only 1 line. And quite frankly, I'm starting to feel bad too!!! Oh, and if you could please be oh so kind to help me throw away BFNs immediately and not keep them around to look at an hour later only to find evaporation lines...that would be awesome.. In fact, you could just do away with the evaporation line so that I can pawn over my HPT for hours and hours trying to find the 2nd line without any confusion.. Your cooperation would be appreciated!
Signed,
Sick of  seeing 1 line

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Oh Dear

Well, first and foremost, I want to tell you THANK YOU for your kindness and prayers! DH came home today...NO surgery...kind of. He did have to do another endoscopy, where they take the tube down your throat and they stretched his esophagus again for the 14th time. They also saw a part of the stomach in the corner that was very red and inflammed so they biopsied it, I don't know when we will get the results. He has to go back next week for the colonoscopy. His CT scan checked out normal. The only bw that was bad was his white blood count was really high which means infection, they gave him IV antibiotics. They didn't send him home with any type of medicine which is weird to me... I have a call in to the dr office and just waiting for them to call back to see when the f/u is and if they are supposed to be giving medicine..

This all was so weird. He went in for a normal check up to a new doctor since he hadn't been seen in a few years and he has been having alot of issues with his stomach and esophagus. Because of his history and symptoms and vitals, they sent him straight over to the hospital. Now I wonder if they didn't over-react just a little. He has been having to deal with this kind of stuff for over 20 years with the Crohns. We just have to get a little better on the diet that he is supposed to follow, it is really hard for him!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

too much

I can't sleep. It's 12:40 a.m. and I just got home from the hospital, they are keeping DH overnight. He has Crohns and some other GI problems and now there is something new going on. They said something about fluid in the lining of his stomach and that his stomach may have moved to the side again....so he will most likely need surgery. The doctor he is seeing is great, she works a lot of hours and is very personable and even gave us her cell number in case we needed anything. Of course, I won't use it most likely, but her thoughts are worth alot.

I can honestly say that I'm scared. Scared for him and what is going to happen and what he is going to have to go through. He has already had his esophagus stretched 13 times and a surgery where they take some stomach lining and wrap the esophagus and they have done a surgery when his stomach ended up under his rib cage. Now this. His family also has a history of colon cancer and that scares me.

And then, the part that makes me feel guilty to say aloud: What will me and the kids do if something were to happen? I know that is incredibly selfish, but I need him. He is my rock.

This is an eye opener and it definitely makes me 2nd guess whether we really need to be TTC. I don't want to bring another baby in this world only to the possibility that one of the parents is ill and only one of us can take care of it. Is that fair? Knowing all of his medical problems and still TTC?

Heres praying, hoping and crossing my fingers that he won't need surgery and that just the antibiotics will work the magic.

Open to All

Just wanted to write a quick blog to let you know that I have figured out how to enable my blog to allow comments written by those without a blog. I have a few followers that weren't able comment before and now should be able to....

Happy Blogging

Monday, October 19, 2009

Manic Monday

It has been a crazy morning at my house today. The kids were out of school last week so it took everything we had to get up and going this morning.

Not to mention that we were under freeze warning in many parts of Alabama. I guess the low was 23 and it is a chilly 52 right now. I love the cold, but wow what a change from a week ago at 85. I have been here in Alabama for almost 2 years now and the one thing that I have learned is that weather is crazy here. It will be hot one week and the freezing the next. No wonder we all stay sick. Now don't get me wrong, I love weather and change, but sometimes I miss the transition that happens. When I lived in UT, we had 4 seasons and the weather gradually changed so you had time to get used to it.

Anyway, how did I just get a post full of weather? Time to move on, I need to go for awhile. Happy Blogging!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Who Knows

I have no idea if I O'd or when. I have intentionally tried not to temp because I thought I would think about TTC less and relax~guess what?! I was wrong... It is driving me nuts to not know whether I've O'd or not and not to know where I am in my C.

I know that if I have a 'normal' C, I should be somewhere in the middle and either already O'd or I'm really close. I guess I kinda have to force myself to relax and just wait it out... But man, I have a hard time with that!

So, tell me ladies... How do you relax on a typical C when trying not to worry so much about TTC? Is it even possible?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Came Out of the TTC Closet

Wow, I can't believe that I just wrote on my family/friend blog that I have a TTC secret and that I even posted a link to this blog. Now I feel sick and I'm wondering if I should just go back and delete the post. I hope it was in good taste....

If you want to see how I decided to do it, venture over to www.foreverinbama.blogspot.com.

************************************************
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Special blessings and prayers to all my TTC friends on this special day!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Thanks Kate!


I officially got nominated!

Please see post below for the answers. The people I think that are over the top have already been nominated, which is everyone on my list... I think you ladies are wonderful..thank you for being so supportive. I'm betting that my DH would tell you thank you if he could too because he doesn't have to hear me whine so much :P

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Once Again...

I stole a post from Dot. I saw this on some blog awards but waited since I wasn't nominated. Then I saw it on Dot's page and thought, hmmm, why keep waiting...just do it!
1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Your hair? Ponytail
3. Your mother? BEST
4. Your father? Busy
5. Your favorite food? Southern
6.Your Dream Last Night? interesting
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your Dream / your goal ? happiness
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? facebook
11. Your fear? loss (of loved ones)
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? UT
13. Where were you last night ? home
14. Something that you aren’t? arrogant
15. Muffins? Oven...? banananut (there 1 word)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up ? Utah
18. Last thing you did ? cook
19. What are you wearing? comfyclothes
20. Your TV? over-worked
21 Your Pets? pups
22. Friends? Awesome
23. Your life? Crazy
24. Your mood? better
25. Missing someone ? mom
26.Vehicle? POS
27. Something you are not wearing ? socks
28. Your favorite store? dollar
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed ? today !
31. Last time you cried? Weds?
32. Your best friend ? DH
33. One place that I go to over and over? bathroom
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Florala

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Mask is Off....

Well, once again AF had the wool pulled over my eyes. I had a little longer LP and numerous PG symptoms, (nauseous, tired, etc...) Spot had even been here for 2 days, which is weird, its usually only 1 day. Well, this morning the witch took off her mask and came at me full blast. YUCK. I feel like hell. I hate taking pain pills, but if I had some....I'd probably be taking them all day!

Now, I'm back to wondering if I should just go back on BCP and give up. I don't want to..not at all. But each month the emotional side of things is twice as bad as the endo and that is hard enough as it is. I can tell the endo is back and I was told at my last Lap that it would only bandaid for a year or two...well its been a year and a half. I'm gonna think about it all weekend, and make a decision. I don't know if it will be clouded by the endo pain judgement, but its all I can do or have control over.

By the way, I have figured out that the reason I have such and emotional time month after month is because I have no control! I can control almost everything in my life, except IF. I have no control over whether we will get KU or not and as much as we want it, it just plain hurts to know I have no control!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

NO CLUE

I am now on CD26 but I have no clue if/when I O'd. I have been getting horrible sleep this month so my temps have been wacky. They never dropped with/after AF and then with the weird sleep, I never notice a drop/hike. My temp is about what it usually is after O but not sure that my temp ever dropped. I'm just hoping that I did O sometime and that it was early enough that this C is almost over or something. I am such a POASaholic, but its kinda hard to do that when I don't even know where I'm at.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I've Come to Realize...

Thanks Dot...I had an ah-ha moment and have to repost....
1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...is not big, but enough.
2. I've come to realize that my job...is sometimes more stressful now at home then when I worked for a company.
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I get lost in deep thought
4. I've come to realize that I need...more happiness in my life.
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...faith in myself, but working on it.
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I see others be rude or disrespectful
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...someone spiked my drink cause I've never been drunk.
8. I've come to realize that money...doesn't buy happiness.
9. I've come to realize that certain people...are geniune.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always...want more children, they are a precious gift.
11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...non-existent
12. I've come to realize that my mom...is a wonderful, caring, loving person that I love more and more each day.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...is crappy, I miss my old one.
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...2 mos later, I'm still sick.
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I love cuddling with my husband.
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...I should have done this post weeks ago.
17. I've come to realize that my dad...works hard.
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I look for something missing in my life, social interaction
19. I've come to realize that today...is a new day & I will do the best I can.
20. I've come to realize that tonight...I'm taking cold medicine to go to sleep.
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...never comes.
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...be a stay at home mom forever
23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this...is having a ah-ha moment too !
24. I've come to realize that life...really is like a box of chocolates.
25. I've come to realize that this weekend....means September is 1/2 over!
26. I've come to realize that marriage...is incredibly hard, but so worth it.
27. I've come to realize that my friends...are far and few between, but mean so much to me.
28. I've come to realize that this year...is my last year in my 20s
29. I've come to realize that my ex-friends...are missing out.
30. I've come to realize that maybe...I need to go back to school.
31. I've come to realize that I love...my life, even with all the struggles
32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...why some prayers are never answered..
33. I've come to realize my past...is just that...MY PAST.
34. I've come to realize that parties...aren't for me, I'd rather stay at home with my family
35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...of losing my loved ones
36. I've come to realize that my life...isn't that bad and I need to take it in stride.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

My Furbabies

Even though I feel like CRAP because of AF and she is really kicking my ass, I couldn't help but get tickled at my furbabies this morning. They were laying how they normally do, all over each other and hugging...but this time I was able to get my camera without waking them and them moving. Let me tell you they are the laziest puppies I've ever seen. They sleep or lay around all day, the only time they really "play" is from about 2:00am-8:00am. No joke! I love 'em though. They are mostly outdoor dogs, but we let them in for a little while at a time. By the way, them on the couch...TEMPORARY. They are getting too big and I don't want my furniture ruined.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Back with a Vengence

Well, I guess after having the last 2 months fairly decent and getting false hope this month really backfired for me this month! She is back, and with a vengence!!!!!!!!! I have already medicated with 3 different kinds of relievers and nothing has touched the pain or even came close. Not to mention that I have all kinds of GI problems because of the endo, "It ain't lookin' pretty, son!"... On to cycle...???? can't remember.... 18 mos trying now.

Friday, August 28, 2009

My Bubble Burst Again

I was starting to get very hopeful this C....the longest luteal phase I have had, 14 days. Usually they are only 12 days, but I've been taking Vit B complex for awhile. Well, followed by a "few" BFNs....AF is making her appearance slowly. I've been spotting all day. Only the spotting has been kind of weird, more orangy/brown than light pink...I don't even know if that makes sense, but it is what it is... So there it is, the big bubble idea I had, BURST!

Now the big decision.... Continue TTC or give it up, I go through this every month when AF hits. Part of me wants to give it up to get rid of disappointment, but the other part knows it will still be there and I'll feel empty.. And we have come this far, its hard to give it up.

To my other decision, I will still be blogging, but no more WebMD boards.... I have shyed away the last couple weeks and the reasoning is, I'm just not feeling it any more. I get a lot more out of reading blogs, I think that it is because they follow lives, not just the TTC part. I feel more connected to my fellow TTC'ers. And honestly, I smile more reading blogs than posts on WebMD.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hi, My Name is Tanya....

And I am a POAS'aholic. I have a problem... I am 10-12 dpo and I'm itching to POAS. I did POAS earlier today, not with FMU, but nonetheless, same result of BFN!!!!!! I don't know why I torture myself! I know that it is going to be a BFN but yet, I just can't seem to wait for AF, I have to be disappointed twice, once with the BFN and again with AF!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Empty Nest

Now that school has been back in for 2 weeks here, I have had the house all to myself. At first it was ok, but that was because I was keeping myself busy trying to get into school. Now, I have this big empty house with just me in it. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to see. There aren't really any job prospects here so finding something p/t that fits our schedule is going to be hard.

Not to mention that I'm driving myself batty with nonstop reading of TTC material and analyzing myself on numerous levels. I really need to find something else to occupy some of my time! If I knew anyone in this area, I would offer to babysit a few kids during the day, something I never wanted to do before, but no kind of sounds like something that would be ok.

The whole staying at home thing is kind of new to me because I have always had to work to support me, Alex, and Breyna. Thats different now, cause I'm not doing everything by myself. Over the summer it was great cause I got to spend time with the kids. But now, I clean and cook new things and watch daytime TV and stay on the computer....thats it. I need some ideas. Any other ladies stay at home wives that are into certain crafts or hobbies that help pass the time? I'm afraid with as much free time as I have, all I focus on is why I can't get pregnant and even though that is our goal, I want to focus on something more.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

T - T - Tuesday

I have had bronchitis ever since I was in the hospital with my son, JULY 21st!!!! Something about walking in the hospital healthy and leaving sick that gets to me. And it always happens, even when I'm the visitor and not the patient. I am sick of being sick! It doesn't do well for TTC. It doesn't do well for neither BD'ing or FD'ing. I am 6DPO today so I am down to the 1WW and who knows, I'm not feeling all that possible about it but still hopeful. I was taking Mucinex for the chest congestion and I am hoping it served dual purposes.

Things didn't work out for me to go to school this year, I have to work on some "issues" and hopefully get a p/t job until next year. In an ideal world I could find somewhere hiring from 8-2:30 daily....we'll see. I wish that I knew of a reputable company that would hire me to work from home, there are too many scams out there though, you have to be careful.

I have been horrible at blogging lately, but I just haven't been feeling the whole TTC game lately. I have been following all my blogs lately though and find some kind of peace and comfort from each of them. There are some strong women out there, and the strongest are on my list! I want to send a special thanks to each of you, without you and your blogs, I don't know what I would do.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Waitin'

Just waitin' on the O... Funny how we always say that TTC is just a game of waiting... Waiting to O, waiting through the TWW, then waiting to test, or waiting for AF....just so we can do it all over again. I'm hoping to O sometime before CD20...I like having my normal C's back and the last 2 have been great. I'm hoping to be on a streak.

On other news.... I have exhausted my unemployment and there are no jobs in my area, guess medical billing wasn't the smartest thing to learn.. So I have been looking into going back to tech school to either do Cosmetology, which would take 1 year...I think we could do without my income for that long. Or nursing, which I really want to do, but would take 2 years and I'm not sure we could handle being on 1 income for that long. Also, I will have to TAB while in school because it would be pointless for me to start something in the off chance that I do get KU. Not that I have high chances of that, but I'm always hoping! I do know that I better decide quickly because tomorrow I am going in to take the entrance test and register and all that...

Decisions, Decisions..

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Many Thanks

First of all, I wanted to say Thank You to everyone for the Birthday wishes!!! It really made my day that much brighter!


Second, I got nominated for this award by someone I don't even know, but someone is has been very supportive to me. Thank you Rach!!!!!! This is my first blog award and it actually made me feel really good. I have a lot of nominees for this award, I hope thats ok!

1. Dot - Hopes and Dreams
2. Kitty - The life and times of Kit Von D
3. E - Hope in Briarrose
4. Caitlin- If You Only Knew
5. Allison - Allison's Wonderland
6. Christina - My life
7. Sherry - What a Shame
8. Misty - If at first you don't succeed

There are so many more that I follow and they are listed on my side panel, so, if you would like to accept the award, please go with it because you all have lovely blogs to me!!

It's my Bday, I'll whine if I want to....

Yeah you know, its my post and I'll TRIG if I want to....
possible TRIGS ahead




So today I'm 29. I can't explain why, but I have went through so many emotions in the last week and I know it must have something to do with today. I mean, when I was little, I never thought about the fact that whenI grew up and I wanted to get KU I would be having such a tough time. I'm blessed with 2 children and maybe thats it for me. I have these ideas about everything I wanted to have done by the time I turned 30. One of those things was to be done having children. As much as I love my 2 children, I really would have liked to have more. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, especially to those that are my TTC friends..I'm not trying to hurt anyones feelings or be ungrateful. It is because I love my children so much and have so much more love to give that I say that.

Anyway, I guess with all the thinking going on and not being anywhere near giving up yet, I find myself thinking over my life plan and I keep on adjusting it to this TTC issue. I am now accepting to the fact that I may not reach my goal of being done by 30, but now I have to decide how far I will go...anyone else have a life plan that keeps getting changed by the TTC mess?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

How Much More?

This month is our 18th month TTC. It is also my 29th birthday next week. I have had a really hard time for the past few months. Every time AF shows I get further down emotionally.. Every time I see one of my TTC sisters hurt, sad, or depressed, I get further down emotionally.. I know that I'm not strong enough to continue on this journey.

When do I call it quits? I have seriously thought about it for months now because I see the effects IF is having on our relationship, on my emotional health, and just everyday life. I am in such admiration and determination because of the women on WebMd....but I'm starting to feel like they can only pull me up so far, this is on me and I just don't know if I have it in me. I saw inspirational awards going around, and I feel like every woman I follow is an inspiration...but me personally, what do I have to offer? If you would have talked to me and my DH last year, he would have begged me to quit putting myself through this. But now that we have been through at least 2 known m/c, he is not ready to give up. So when do I call it? How much can I take? What is my breaking point?

TTC has consumed my life. I live for TTC milestones, taking daily temps, O'ing, checking CM, 2WW, and of course POAS. I read on a fellow bloggers page that she was in a Crisis of Faith, oh how I can relate! I am feeling like it is a daily thing that part of my spiritual self just chips away. I have always considered myself to have a lot of faith in things and in people but lately I just feel like I don't have very much of a reason to have faith. I mean, I still have the same beliefs as before, but I just can't understand why things are the way they are!

I have to find common ground with the world and put a deadline on my TTC dreams. I have to set a date that Enough is Enough. And, I have to agree to stop, before it ruins all I have in me.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Hump Day

Hump Day today = 2 meanings!
1. Obviously its Wednesday
2. I'm half way through with AF....

On CD3 currently and honestly the cramping and evilness of AF came the days before she came when I started spotting. All in all I can't complain, just wallow in self-pity that it wasn't my C again!

So, while I was at the hospital with my boy, I must have gotten the icky germs because I got sick and now it has developed into Bronchitis. Gotta love how you can walk into a hospital or clinic well and come out sick....

Anyway, nothing else new to report. I'm still grumpy and ill about not being KU but I'll get over it by the time I 'O' and then I will be able to obsess during the 2WW again.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

False Hope

You would think that after so long TTC that you could look at a HPT and know that there is either 1 line or 2 lines. Not for this TTC'er, I see faint lines..often...I am tricking myself I know only to be disappointed!! Yes, I know, I need to be smacked with some kind of reality stick and just realize that it isn't gonna happen, but I'm not ready to give up! I am 11DPO and I am now spotting but at 9DPO I caved in and took a test, yes I saw a shadow of a line in the time frame and so did DH. Yesterday, I still saw a shadow line, but it actually looked lighter than the day before and I started cramping reallllllllly bad..so I'm figuring if anything, probably a chemical pregnancy..right?! Man, why did I test? If I wouldnt have, I wouldn't have seen a line and gotten me and DH's hopes up again. Now I'm just waiting for AF with the undying hope that she will get lost and won't show for about 280 days...he he.. Could I get so lucky? Probably not. :( Still crossing my fingers though.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Almost situated..

First thing is first, I have to brag on the fact that I am finally back to a normal Cycle after 7 mos. I O'd on CD 16 and should have about a 27 day C!!!!!! Haven't had one since November! YAY!

Now, to the title....almost situated. I hate to be so settled into my new home but at the same time, still so many things that are unsettled. We have internet...YAY, but I need to get a new wireless router so I can use my laptop. See my desktop is so old and slow that I pretty much can't do anything on it and its only purpose really is for the kids to use and for the cable modem to be hooked up to. I can't post on WebMD because it freezes on me and I'm going through serious withdrawals...so to all you WebMD friends, I'm still here and miss you all! I can't really follow blogs because after clicking maybe 2-3 blogs, my computer freezes! Gotta love that. But I'm not complaining too much because at least I have something.

POSSIBLE *Trigs* ALERT! On another note, I wanna through out many hugs to a friend going through another m/c. Kristen, you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I miss everyone and hope to be back on the boards/blogs soon! Many thoughts go out to each of you!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

nothin' new TTC wise..but

So it has been a very uneventful C thus far. I'm on CD8 and I must admit that since my m/c in May, my last 2 AF visits have actually been bearable. With my endo and fibroids I generally have 3 Hell Days that I just can't stand, literally. But the last 2 C's, I have only had AF visit for 3 days and they have been fairly light to medium, no huge cramps either....I don't know what to think about this but I'm thankful. However with such light AF, I am worried about my lining. Guess I'll have to wait and see what this C brings.

On other news, we are moving. We currently live in Enterprise, AL and my husband works about an hour away, so we have decided that it would save us big to move closer. The house we are moving to is a lot better than where we live now and comes with so many benefits! To check out benefits and pictures, check out my non-TTC blog: www.foreverinbama.blogspot.com.

Well, this is all for now... Guess I could hope that no news is good news!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

All Aboard the AF train....

Yep, its official... I hopped on the train this morning, damn it!!!!!!! A train I hate to ride but seem to have no choice or no other destination. I am so full of self pity right now! It hurts SOOO much. Even with the endo and fibroids, the physical pain is a walk in the park compared to the emotional pain.

I do want to tell my Dear Husband I'm sorry for the attitude this morning, I also know that this has been the most heart-breaking cycle for him too.

I don't know what else to say.....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Silly hubby....

I love my silly hubby. On Sunday I told my hubby that I was going to the dollar store and he said, "How many are you gonna get?" I was like HUH?! He was like you know the little pink boxes, and at that point I realized he was talking about PG tests. I was like hun, I'm only 3 DPO so I'm not getting any, just toilet paper and snacks. I guess me going to the dollar store = PG tests....lol. He then proceeded to tell me that he knows this is our C. Which kinda surprises me cause he is usually the more realistic one that is a little more negative. So he gives me hope. He even asked when we could test...I was like not for another week.... Sorry had to share!

OMG....I can't believe it

I read this post on the pregnancy board on Web.Md... I know why torture myself, but I couldn't help respond. Possible trigs for my fellow TTCers..

http://boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.89deda7f!thdchild=.89deda7f

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

SOOOOO Many Emotions Today!

***Warning, possible TRIGS in post***

Excited, Thankful, Nervous, Anxious, Sorry, and Thrilled.

I am going through many emotions right now. On one hand I am so happy to be going back "home" and taking my 2 kids back to see family and friends. On the other, I'm really nervous about the plane ride and my little girl, who has a very mild version of Cer.e.bral Pa.lsy. I'm nervous about her ears being able to take the altitude adjustments. I'm worried about her tendency to lose blad.der con.trol. I just hope and pray that everything goes ok. Also, this is the first time that me and DH have been apart since being married. We've only been married for a year and a half, so to me it still feels like being newlyweds. Its gonna be hard to leave him for 2 weeks. Funny to say that, because I have never felt like this in my entire life so it just reassures the fact that I was with the wrong person the 1st time around. I find it such a relief that my children and DH have such a close bond. If you didn't know different, you would think they were his...and I wish they were. I would love nothing more than to have a child with him. Not that it makes my children any less, because I am so very thankful for them. I feel very blessed and love them more than I can ever describe.

Which leads me to thinking about my TTC efforts. I wish that I could do something to help all of my fellow TTC'ers. I wish that I could give them a magic pill so that they could also experience this motherhood. I feel so guilty sometimes that I have children already and that there are so many without. Some days it is really hard for me because I want to offer so much support to others, but I don't know if I'm much help to others. The last thing that I want to do is cause pain to someone else TTC and I hope and pray that I don't ever make someone feel bad or "throw it in their face that I already have children". Because honestly, if I wasn't blessed with children, it would be hard for me to hear from others that already have them.

I just want to tell all the ladies who are in this TTC journey with me that I am so thankful for the support and love that I feel. I hope that I don't make anyone feel badly, and pray that I can help by offering advice and support. You ladies mean a lot to me and I don't even "know" you.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Officially Taking A Break...

Taking a break, will be back to TTC in July.... Good Luck to all my fellow TTC'ers. Baby Dust to All! (((O Vibes))) to those who need them.

Friday, May 29, 2009

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!

She must have read my post earlier.... cause she is HERE! So I'm officially TAB until July I guess. I must have ticked her off being real demanding because she is being a real B****! At least I won't have to feel like this on the airplane though. I'll try to keep her from visiting my fellow TTC'ers and send her to invade a teenager on summer break...ha ha I'm so evil!

What is she waiting for??????


I mean, SERIOUSLY! She is playing with me...


I am spotting again, still not red. It is like a very light pinkish, almost orangeish? WEIRD! Also, my temp rose, just a little bit, but enough to make me go crazy again!


So now I'm thinking, if she comes today, I might be done by Tuesday, great timing to leave Wednesday.... Doesn't leave much time for some goodbye FD'ing..but would be better than none at all. Now, if she keeps stalling I'm probably not gonna get my goodbye FD'ing, and I'm not gonna be feeling very well on the airplane! SOOOO, if you can hear me, PLEASE either COME NOW or STAY THE HELL AWAY!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

If there was ever a month....

That I thought I was KU, it would have been this one. Even the months that I had an early pregnancy I didn't really feel it (though extremely happy none the less). This month I O'd on a decent time, I had really sore boobs (never have this), severe headaches (talking borderline migraine), emotional, nauseous, heartburn x's 10, just a weird feeling. And last night, even trying to convince myself I wasn't KU, I looked at the boobs and they were swollen, a little bit bigger. I'm a big girl, but I don't have big boobs, so when they grow...I notice...even DH was looking at them.

Well...this a.m. should confirm to me that I'm not KU... More spotting and another temp drop, which now takes my temp just below coverline. I've already cried some. I've already somewhat accepted it. But why oh why does our body do this. I mean, why do I get all these new symptoms to make me really FEEL KU when I'm not. I usually never have any of those symptoms, except occasional heartburn. I haven't really even gotten my pre-AF acne that I usually get? I just don't get it. When I think I know my body so well, turns out I don't...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

AF?? or WHAT???

I hate this time of the month..you know a day or 2 before AF storms at you and you start spotting. You still cant tell be your temps if you are KU or gonna get AF cause they are above cover and sometimes still high. You have this CONSTANT HOPE that this is really implantation spotting and not AF's entrance... I know deep down that the spotting and temp drop means she is near, but WHY OH WHY do I keep this hope that something is different and its just implantation. I mean, what more of a reality check do I need? Why can't I just accept that I'm not KU and move on? WHY WHY WHY???? I just can't swallow it. I stick to this motto of not being out until the tampon is in....but its not really working for me. Am I the only one that can't let go?

I'm going on vacation to take my kids to Utah next week. We leave on Wednesday and won't be back until June 16th... That means I'll probably miss my O by a few days and have no chance of getting KU next C either! I just really wish that if she's coming (duh, of course she is) that she would just hurry up and be gone by Wednesday so I can be AF free during my vaca... And I can't believe that I'm wishing it, but I hope that I have a crazy long C so that I don't miss my precious O.... AHHHHH I'm HOPELESS!!!!!!!



Sometimes I just feel like pulling my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






Monday, May 25, 2009

What Nobody Told You About TTC

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set...

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common.

That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),

That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".

That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.

That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.

That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.

That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).

That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.

That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.

That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!

That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!

That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would learn to speak in codeLike I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN

That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.

That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)

That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.

That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!It's good to know I am not alone.

That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.

That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")

That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.

That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.

That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)

That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time

That your body has its own mind.

That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.

That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling

That you feel useless as a female

That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.