Thursday, December 31, 2009
Horrible Ending to my 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Not again!
When we started TTC a couple years ago, this same thing happened so I went in for the lap and D&C because of the random bleeding stuff and it ended up being more than I wanted to deal with. It was supposed to be fixed for a year or 2. Well.... Guess what!!!!!!!!!
January is the last month of our 2 years and February means 2 years since TTC and 2 years since the lap. I'm reaching the end of the road. I am now to the point that I am seriously aware that I'm probably not going to be able to have another child.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Christmas Poll
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love to WRAP...
2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial because I'm afraid of housefires that real ones sometimes bring
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually week after Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Week after New Years
5. Do you like eggnog? I like to mix 1/2 milk and 1/2 eggnog so it isn't too rich.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Cabbage Patch "Mikey"
7. Hardest person to buy for? my mom, she usually buys something when she wants it so never left to gift
8. Easiest person to buy for? my kids, they always want something and they are happy with anything
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I did in UT, but all my decorations got left there
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I always mail Christmas cards.
11. Worst Christmas ever? I don't remember any bad Christmas...but my step sister got the Peaches and Cream Barbie that I wanted and I got the "dumb" one when I was like 6...
12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? I love all the classics, Rudolph, Frosty, all of them.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually a few things in November, but my shopping gets serious starting the day after Thanksgiving right up til Christmas Eve.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, one mans trash is anothers treasure.
15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? We used to have homeade cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast...yum
16. Lights on the tree? yes, our tree is pre-lit :)
17. Favorite Christmas song? Winter Wonderland is my fave, but I like most of them
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? When I lived in UT, we didn't travel far but spent all day at different relatives homes. Now we stay home and go visit hubs grandma.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, RUDOLPH
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve Night(PJ's) and the rest on Christmas. THis year celebrating on Christmas Eve with step-daughter so some will be open then.
22. Name one annoying thing about this time of the year? People are mean/nasty at stores
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I have handmade photo on wood ornaments my mom made.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I am making another Turkey, they were on sale, but usually finger foods and snacks work for us.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? My children to have a wonderful Christmas and my friends to get BFPs..
Monday, December 21, 2009
Lunch with an Awesome Lady!
Where we met:
Friday, December 18, 2009
One of them days...
Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of years. And believe it our not, since reaching adulthood, I really don't care about receiving gifts. I just want to make sure that I am able to provide for my children. So far I've done a pretty good job at it. This year is no exception I have made sure that they have been provided for and honestly I feel like now, anything else or anyone else can "suck it". I'm so NOT feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have lost a lot of faith in the past 2 years. I know that I believe in God and Jesus, but I have lost so much faith and I am not in a good place.
I am very lucky to be blessed with my 2 beautiful children and they mean the absolute world to me, I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I try to be very careful about how I act around them because I don't want them to see just how unhappy I am. I definitely don't want them to think they did anything to make me feel this way. I grew up thinking I was the route of all my single-mom's problems and I always felt guilty when something went wrong, I don't ever want my children to feel that way. Honestly, the only reason I make it through each day is because I love them so very much and I don't ever want to lose them. Thank God I have them or I don't know what kind of a person I would be, probably non-existent.
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I went to court last night. Because I proved I had insurance and recently got a tag on my car, they dismissed both tickets on the condition that I pay court costs- $218, way better than the original $343 that it was gonna cost. And they are giving me until Jan 21st to pay. I think I can handle that since they won't be on my record. The judge was nice, unlike the police officer that gave me the damn ticket..... Oh well, my fault...you live and learn.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
yuck
Only 13 more days until Christmas! I can't believe it. Most years I have been done shopping like a month ago, but this year I still have to buy some things. We have the kids taken care of, so that is the main thing to me...anyone else is just the cherry on the sundae... UMMM I could go for a sundae right now.
See how random my mind is... One minute I'm talking about the cold weather and by the end of the post I want a sundae...with lots of hot fudge!!! YUM
Friday, December 11, 2009
A little triggery
Misty, I am so flippin happy for you! I will be praying for you and your DH, how awesome! I don't feel so bad anymore, only a little.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Dot's Giveaway
Good Luck to all!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Wow... I can't believe it!!!!
Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely didn't want AF to show up and I'm sure that I will have my good cry and junk food binge in the next couple of days...but I am so happy to finally get back to a 'normal' C. Even more, I'm pretty sure I won't see AF on Christmas or the New Year... :)
Friday, December 4, 2009
A real eye-opener
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Today is a special day! Today happens to be my sweet baby girl's 8th birthday. She is my baby and I can't believe that she is 8 years old already. I was sitting here thinking about how to do a post that gives her a special "Happy Birthday" without causing major trigs to those readers that are presently TTC. I don't know a way to do it so forgive me.
In the past 8 years my daughter has been through a lot, a few things that make her who she is...
- She almost died before she was ever in my arms.
- She didn't walk/talk until 3 years old.
- She was diagnosed with Ataxia and rule out of Cerebral Palsy and they still don't have anything else definite.
- She has had 3 MRI's of her head and 2 MRI's of neck and back.
- She has had EMG, EEG, and EKGs along with many other tests.
- She has had 4 sets of tubes in her ears and 60% deaf in her Left Ear.
- She was moved cross-country away from her extended family because her mommy fell in love.
- She has the best big brother a girl could ask for.
- She can hear a song on the radio 1 time and sing it the next but can't remember what she did yesterday.
- She can memorize a book word for word, but doesn't really know what she has read.
- She will know the answer to a question, but not answer you until 10 mins later.
- She comes up with the most random things to say.
- She is an Angel.
- She is a miracle.
- She doesn't know how special she is.
- I LOVE HER TO DEATH!
It makes me realize that I need to concentrate a little more on the time I have with her, rather than so much on TTC.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
And now its finished!
I'm just glad that the stress can stop and I can enjoy the rest of my long weekend. But first I wanted to express my thanks because I am very thankful for so many things. I'll only list a few....
- Family (they are the ones that know me best and still love me)
- Internet Friends (they are less judging and going through same stuff as me)
- IRL Friends (there is always a story)
- Infertility Issues (yeah, I'm thankful, only because it has made me stronger)
- Jesus (Even though I lose my faith, I still feel His Comfort)
Thank you all so much for reading my blog, being my friend/support and just plain being you! Have a safe and enjoyable Holiday.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
And so it begins.....
I am waking up at 3:00 a.m. to put the turkey in the oven so it will be done by 8:30. I will then make corn casserole, green bean casserole and sweet potato casserole. While they are baking I will finish up the chicken and dumpling and make the stuffing on the stove. Did I mention that I don't really like any of this except the chicken and dumplings? Where I am from, we did mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, ham, turkey, yams, and a veggie tray.... I really want potatoes and gravy, but I don't want to cook anymore.
Anyway, I will be busy tomorrow but will try and post tomorrow evening....
I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
5 days
Monday, November 23, 2009
Family Pics
Saturday, November 21, 2009
All is well...
On a more positive note, we went and got family pics done today, I will post them in the near future...
Friday, November 20, 2009
SOOOOO HARD
Thank you to the wonderful people who put an app on F.ace.boo.k called "Fam.ily Li.nk". They were so nice when I tried to access the app, they gave my laptop a worm... A VIRUS... Trojan worm virus thing. I am so grateful that I am not working currently so that I could spend the last 15 hrs trying to remove this from my laptop and I'm even more grateful that it is taking up more of my time....
I have now got to experience 3 different virus scan makers, and even though they found the virus, they claim that the virus is being blocked. I am pleased to tell you, it isn't blocked and my computer is testing my patience today. I love not being able to see any icons on my desktop, it looks so clean. I love all the fake virus scan pop-ups that the virus causes.
Oh, screw this... I HATE MY COMPUTER, I HATE VIRUSES, I HATE FACEBOOK and I'm thoroughly sick and tired of spending so much DAMN time on my computer trying to fix it. FYI, if your computer pops up a box that mimics Wind.ows defe.nder and tells you that you have something attacking your computer......use your own software because it probably really isn't the real Windows. YeAh YeAh, my fault for being stupid, but in my defense, it looked real....just like my Win.dows Defe.nder...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
AbSoLuTeLy NoThInG
I'm trying to look at all positives, no negative. My mom is always telling me about "The Secret". Which is basically a concept of thinking positive to bring positive and the more pessimistic you are, the worse things turn out. I have always been a believer of this. For many years I could find the good in anything and over the past 2 years I have been slowly turning into a pessimistic. It is time for me to take back control of my feelings. Afterall, one of my fave quotes is something like, its not what you are dealt, but how you deal with what you receive. That is what I'm going to start working harder at.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
ICING on my misery cake
We just bought this car from DH's grandma and she lost the title, so I have not been able to tag it yet. They told me that I would be ok for 21 days with a bill of sale and after that go in for a temp tag if title hasn't came. Well, we were just a little dumb, but we put on an old license plate we had just to avoid getting pulled over. We figured that way at least we would have an in-date plate on the car.
Well the great police in my city decided to run my tag for no apparent reason and of course when it came back not matching, I got pulled over. Not only that, but I'm sure they were thinking I stole the car because next thing I know, 3, yes 3 police cars are surrounding me after the original officer already talked to me and had my license and bill of sale. I was so scared and shaking that I couldn't hardly talk and I definitely had no idea why I was being pulled over. Apparently while I ran into Subway, they must have ran my plate because as I was leaving no cars were behind me and I pulled into a gas station and the police car came out of nowhere and pulled in behind me with the lights going. He got out and came up to me and told me how my plates didn't match the car and asked me if I knew that was totally illegal.
Oh, and my damn insurance card is not in the car! So I get a ticket for the tag issue and the insurance. At least I can try and fight the insurance one. I am not saying that I didn't deserve this, but JUST go ahead and add this to yesterdays post since I'm going to end up paying $343 before 12/17/09..... MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Just Another Thing....
In the last 4 months:
- I wrecked our driveable car.
- My son was in ICU because of the wreck, doing better now though.
- Our fridge quit.
- The "new" used car we got ended up being a lemon.
- DH ended up inpatient in the hospital because of stomach problems.
- We sold my DH's old truck because it quit running and we didn't want to keep pouring money into it.
- We got a car from DH's grandma that runs but is almost as old as me..
- The company DH works for is no longer going to let employees drive vehicles home, so now we have to figure out how he will get to and from work.
- Our washer bit the dust last night.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Gem
I know that most of the "Gems" I nominate have already received the award, but here is who I would pick:
Sherry
Christina
E
Dot
Kitty
Robin
I would also nominate Emily and Jen from WebMd, they are faithful blog followers and always make my day to have their comments!
Change of Heart
I decided to stop TTC because of this nasty AF, I even took my first BCP yesterday in almost 2 years....Then, I read Christina's post this morning. I can't stop TTC. I can't give up yet. I have this dream and yearning that is so strong and deep and I can't stop it just because once a month I am put through the ringer. It is a small price to pay to go through 2 HELL days a month (the most heavy and painful only last 2) to possibly become preggers. So this morning, I didn't take a BCP and I'm not going to...YET.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I HATE HER!!!!!
I HATE the NaStY, mEaN, wIcKeD, AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I was uncomfortable and not feeling well because of her already, well sometime in the middle of the night she decided that wasn't enough. I changed my monthly earring 3 times during the night and woke up to find if I would have waited 10 more mins I would have bled all over our bed!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUCK... sorry if that gave anyone a mental picture.
On a better note, DH's daughter didn't announce she was pregnant, only that she thinks she is. She hasn't missed a period yet, but she has been sick for the past few days. So sick she can't even cook hamburger meat because the smell has been bugging her. She also informed me that she takes HPTs every month to make sure she's not preggers...yeah OK..WHATEVER! She has been trying to get pregnant ever since she was 15, and she has succeeded once. OMG, why am I so jealous? I know she is doing better now with this new bf, who DID ask permission to marry her last night. She still wouldn't know what to do if she had to be by herself with her daughter for more than a few hours, so at least he is there too and he is good with them both!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday the 13th...
Second, the witch is being awfully mean to me and I feel like total CRAP!!!! I wish I could just go lay down with my heating pad and pain pill. But my house has been put off for the last week because I was sick and I really need to clean. I have laundry, dishes and plain straightening up to do. The little stuff that isn't necessary is just gonna have to wait.
Third, my DH's daughter and boyfriend are coming over tonight. They called the other day and asked if they could come over tonight because her bf wants to talk to DH. Well, they are already kinda planning on getting married in April so I'm pretty sure he is gonna ask DH for permission tonight. I also have the feeling that she has been TTC since she has been ever since she was 15 and already has 1 child that is almost 5. She is actually doing better at being a mom since being with her BF and he takes really good care of her and the baby, but if she announces that she is KU anytime soon....I will lose it emotionally. Mainly because up until recently, she wasn't that good of a mother. And I will be extremely jealous and will not be able to see how it is fair for her to have another when all my TTC sisters can't.....
Anyway....here's praying that the rest of today/tonight go better...
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I'm Out
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My Endo....BLAH
So my history..... Well when I was 15, I didn't have a lap but my AF started to get to the point that all I could do is curl up and squawl. Then I started blacking out/passing out. My mom took me to the dr and they put me on BCP and that helped a little, but they were still very painful and very heavy.
When I was 19, I went through a phase of not eating very often, in hopes to lose weight and I wasn't living healthy...My periods got lighter and sporadic at that time. I ended up getting preggers and after I had my son, I actually had normal periods for a year and got KU with my daughter. Then for another 2 years my periods were actually normal again and slowly got worse and worse.
Two years ago, I married my DH and at the time, we didn't plan on TTC right away. But right after I got to AL, I couldn't stop bleeding. We were newlyweds and I was bleeding everyday for a month. I went to the dr and they did a lap. They found fibroid tumors and endo. The cut out the tumors and biopsied them, they were benign. And they burned off the endo. I kind of knew about the endo because my dr in UT pretty much told me that before but when I was younger, I didn't have the opportunity to do the lap.
Anyway, my dr said that when you get preggers, it is kind of like a magic eraser for endo...temporarily. Because my endo was mainly on my lining and ovaries, when I was preggers I didn't have it any longer. He also said that it usually takes about a year or two that you are in the clear before it comes back. My dr here in AL said the same thing and that the LAP was kind of like a bandaid and would only last for about a year, maybe 2. Well, right after the LAP, I took Lupron...OH, what a joy....NOT!!!!
At this point, I wonder if I might not also have PCOS because of my irregular C's and hormone imbalance. You see, I'm a very heavy person and when I was preggers, I lost 70 lbs and my girl was still 8 lbs 5 oz, and it only took 6 weeks for me to put it all on. My dr thinks that the preg hormones actually stabilize my body/thyroid/metabolism and that I have a hormonal imbalance on a regular basis...this I have not confirmed so its just a theory. But, it is my next step to get checked out.
And besides all of this, my DH was told years ago his sperm count was low. They had him tested when he was married to his late wife and it took them 5 years to get preg with their 2nd child.
Thanks to Sherry, I do have the endo diet and I try to stick to it....but its hard....
And thats me in a NUTshell... :)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Just A Guess.....
Not So Bad
Monday, November 9, 2009
Not yet...
On the weather front, Hurricane Ida is expected to come right on top of us sometime tomorrow. I live just about the Florida panhandle on the AL border and they are saying it will come at us at Hurricane 1 strength when it hits the coast and may die to tropical storm hitting us. That means about 50mph wind and lots of rain and tornadic activity spinning of the storm... I'm scared. I have only been in AL for 2 years and I have only seen reminants of hurricanes, like the rain after. We have been flooded because of those, but I'm really worried about this! I will be doing a lot of praying and I don't plan on sending my kids to school tomorrow because I don't want them stuck there if something bad happens. In 2007, a tornado hit here and killed kids that were trapped under a wall at school. It was in the town we just moved from 30 miles away, so fears are very close to home and everyone takes these storms very seriously!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Just Because....
- You relax and don't monitor when you O'd, doesn't help you relax during what should be the 2ww.
- You take 100 HPT's, doesn't mean you will get a positive!
- You want something to happen, doesn't mean it will!
- All you think about is having a baby, doesn't make it happen.
- Your TTC friends deserve get KU, doesn't make it so..
Saturday, November 7, 2009
My Non-TTC Post
Anyway, on with my story. Thursday night K was to go to the city we just moved from and stay with some friends since he had to report at "Drill" on Saturday morning. The city is about 1 hr away from where we live now and he called his friends and told them he was on his way. Yesterday, when I was in Gaga land wanting to buy HPTs, I get a call from 1 of the friends saying K never made it to his house or the other friend he stays with. Then the other friends mother calls me and is worried saying K called her personally and he still hasn't made it. So the next few hours went on searching for K, calling hospitals, friends, jails, etc. My husband was told by Police Dept that a car (same as K's) was found in trees and boy was unconscious. We went into panic mode, but didn't know if it was K or not. We went fast as can be to pull my kids out of school since we didn't know what was going on, then we took off towards the city to see if we could find him. Turns out he was not the one in the wrecked car and he was found as we were approaching the city. He had decided to stay with a different friend, but didn't bother to call anyone and let them know.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is ok and not hurt.... But my DH lost 5 hrs of work with no pay, I pulled my 2 children out of school and we had everyone and their dog looking for him! Not to mention me and DH could have had a panic attack or stroke with our nerves going like they were.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Dang IT
Feelin Antsy
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Impatiently Waiting
Oh yeah, on other news, I wasn't able to sign up for the month of posting thing, but if you will notice I have posted everyday this month so far, hopefully that won't jinx anything and I will continue.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I'm thinking...not this time????
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Can you believe it?
Honest!
This award comes with some rules as well:
1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it. (Yep)
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself. (See below.)
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have I encouraged you. (Also below.)
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award. (Shortly...)
1. I have never met some of my best friends ever!
2. I have so many high hopes every month until I see pink/red
3. The love for my children is never-ending
4. I love my DH more than I ever thought was possible
5. I'm scared everyday about what is in my future
6. I miss my family in UT so much it hurts!
7. I love being a Stay At Home Mom.
8. I am a POASaholic
9. I am very quick tempered, but can forgive most things
10. I am a good cook
Okay....I nominate......
Dot
Sherry
Christina
Kitty
Gabsy
Kristen
Caitlin
Monday, November 2, 2009
50th Post - Insane in the Membrane
Well, the POASaholic that I am, I had to take another one...good thing that I always buy them in bulk and had another one.. But this time...NO LINE.... So now what.... is a line a line or was I seeing things through blurry eyes and DH seeing an evap line? AGHHHH! How long should I wait to retest. I hate to get my hopes up. Especially since I don't even know for sure that I O'd this month....but I have never not O'd. I have had a couple of REALLY long cycles though...like 50 days...and I'm on CD31 now. I have had no spotting whatsoever so I don't think AF is around the corner but not sure if she should be or now, most C's are between 27-30 days on a normal basis. And for a BPT we would have to pay out of pocket as no coverage for this.
Like I said, I seriously need an intervention!!! Even though I'm trying my hardest to relax...I CAN'T!
Monday, October 26, 2009
One is the Loneliest Number....
Dear God of the HPTs,
Please send some magical baby dust and sticky vibes and let there be 2 lines, my HPTs are starting to feel bad with only 1 line. And quite frankly, I'm starting to feel bad too!!! Oh, and if you could please be oh so kind to help me throw away BFNs immediately and not keep them around to look at an hour later only to find evaporation lines...that would be awesome.. In fact, you could just do away with the evaporation line so that I can pawn over my HPT for hours and hours trying to find the 2nd line without any confusion.. Your cooperation would be appreciated!
Signed,
Sick of seeing 1 line
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Oh Dear
This all was so weird. He went in for a normal check up to a new doctor since he hadn't been seen in a few years and he has been having alot of issues with his stomach and esophagus. Because of his history and symptoms and vitals, they sent him straight over to the hospital. Now I wonder if they didn't over-react just a little. He has been having to deal with this kind of stuff for over 20 years with the Crohns. We just have to get a little better on the diet that he is supposed to follow, it is really hard for him!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
too much
I can honestly say that I'm scared. Scared for him and what is going to happen and what he is going to have to go through. He has already had his esophagus stretched 13 times and a surgery where they take some stomach lining and wrap the esophagus and they have done a surgery when his stomach ended up under his rib cage. Now this. His family also has a history of colon cancer and that scares me.
And then, the part that makes me feel guilty to say aloud: What will me and the kids do if something were to happen? I know that is incredibly selfish, but I need him. He is my rock.
This is an eye opener and it definitely makes me 2nd guess whether we really need to be TTC. I don't want to bring another baby in this world only to the possibility that one of the parents is ill and only one of us can take care of it. Is that fair? Knowing all of his medical problems and still TTC?
Heres praying, hoping and crossing my fingers that he won't need surgery and that just the antibiotics will work the magic.
Open to All
Happy Blogging
Monday, October 19, 2009
Manic Monday
Not to mention that we were under freeze warning in many parts of Alabama. I guess the low was 23 and it is a chilly 52 right now. I love the cold, but wow what a change from a week ago at 85. I have been here in Alabama for almost 2 years now and the one thing that I have learned is that weather is crazy here. It will be hot one week and the freezing the next. No wonder we all stay sick. Now don't get me wrong, I love weather and change, but sometimes I miss the transition that happens. When I lived in UT, we had 4 seasons and the weather gradually changed so you had time to get used to it.
Anyway, how did I just get a post full of weather? Time to move on, I need to go for awhile. Happy Blogging!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Who Knows
I know that if I have a 'normal' C, I should be somewhere in the middle and either already O'd or I'm really close. I guess I kinda have to force myself to relax and just wait it out... But man, I have a hard time with that!
So, tell me ladies... How do you relax on a typical C when trying not to worry so much about TTC? Is it even possible?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I Came Out of the TTC Closet
If you want to see how I decided to do it, venture over to www.foreverinbama.blogspot.com.
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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Special blessings and prayers to all my TTC friends on this special day!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thanks Kate!

Saturday, October 10, 2009
Once Again...
1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Your hair? Ponytail
3. Your mother? BEST
4. Your father? Busy
5. Your favorite food? Southern
6.Your Dream Last Night? interesting
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your Dream / your goal ? happiness
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? facebook
11. Your fear? loss (of loved ones)
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? UT
13. Where were you last night ? home
14. Something that you aren’t? arrogant
15. Muffins? Oven...? banananut (there 1 word)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up ? Utah
18. Last thing you did ? cook
19. What are you wearing? comfyclothes
20. Your TV? over-worked
21 Your Pets? pups
22. Friends? Awesome
23. Your life? Crazy
24. Your mood? better
25. Missing someone ? mom
26.Vehicle? POS
27. Something you are not wearing ? socks
28. Your favorite store? dollar
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed ? today !
31. Last time you cried? Weds?
32. Your best friend ? DH
33. One place that I go to over and over? bathroom
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Florala
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Mask is Off....
Now, I'm back to wondering if I should just go back on BCP and give up. I don't want to..not at all. But each month the emotional side of things is twice as bad as the endo and that is hard enough as it is. I can tell the endo is back and I was told at my last Lap that it would only bandaid for a year or two...well its been a year and a half. I'm gonna think about it all weekend, and make a decision. I don't know if it will be clouded by the endo pain judgement, but its all I can do or have control over.
By the way, I have figured out that the reason I have such and emotional time month after month is because I have no control! I can control almost everything in my life, except IF. I have no control over whether we will get KU or not and as much as we want it, it just plain hurts to know I have no control!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Just another reason
http://www.politicsdaily.com/2009/09/30/tweeting-your-miscarriage-is-nothing-sacred/?icid=mainmaindl1link4http%3A%2F%2Fwww.politicsdaily.com%2F2009%2F09%2F30%2Ftweeting-your-miscarriage-is-nothing-sacred%2F
Friday, September 25, 2009
WTH???? 2 babies, 2 due dates?
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/pregnancy/superfetation-double-pregnancy?icid=mainmaindl3link3http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolhealth.com%2Fcondition-center%2Fpregnancy%2Fsuperfetation-double-pregnancy
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
NO CLUE
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I've Come to Realize...
1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...is not big, but enough.
2. I've come to realize that my job...is sometimes more stressful now at home then when I worked for a company.
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I get lost in deep thought
4. I've come to realize that I need...more happiness in my life.
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...faith in myself, but working on it.
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I see others be rude or disrespectful
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...someone spiked my drink cause I've never been drunk.
8. I've come to realize that money...doesn't buy happiness.
9. I've come to realize that certain people...are geniune.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always...want more children, they are a precious gift.
11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...non-existent
12. I've come to realize that my mom...is a wonderful, caring, loving person that I love more and more each day.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...is crappy, I miss my old one.
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...2 mos later, I'm still sick.
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I love cuddling with my husband.
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...I should have done this post weeks ago.
17. I've come to realize that my dad...works hard.
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I look for something missing in my life, social interaction
19. I've come to realize that today...is a new day & I will do the best I can.
20. I've come to realize that tonight...I'm taking cold medicine to go to sleep.
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...never comes.
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...be a stay at home mom forever
23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this...is having a ah-ha moment too !
24. I've come to realize that life...really is like a box of chocolates.
25. I've come to realize that this weekend....means September is 1/2 over!
26. I've come to realize that marriage...is incredibly hard, but so worth it.
27. I've come to realize that my friends...are far and few between, but mean so much to me.
28. I've come to realize that this year...is my last year in my 20s
29. I've come to realize that my ex-friends...are missing out.
30. I've come to realize that maybe...I need to go back to school.
31. I've come to realize that I love...my life, even with all the struggles
32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...why some prayers are never answered..
33. I've come to realize my past...is just that...MY PAST.
34. I've come to realize that parties...aren't for me, I'd rather stay at home with my family
35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...of losing my loved ones
36. I've come to realize that my life...isn't that bad and I need to take it in stride.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
My Furbabies
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Back with a Vengence
Friday, August 28, 2009
My Bubble Burst Again
Now the big decision.... Continue TTC or give it up, I go through this every month when AF hits. Part of me wants to give it up to get rid of disappointment, but the other part knows it will still be there and I'll feel empty.. And we have come this far, its hard to give it up.
To my other decision, I will still be blogging, but no more WebMD boards.... I have shyed away the last couple weeks and the reasoning is, I'm just not feeling it any more. I get a lot more out of reading blogs, I think that it is because they follow lives, not just the TTC part. I feel more connected to my fellow TTC'ers. And honestly, I smile more reading blogs than posts on WebMD.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Hi, My Name is Tanya....
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Empty Nest
Not to mention that I'm driving myself batty with nonstop reading of TTC material and analyzing myself on numerous levels. I really need to find something else to occupy some of my time! If I knew anyone in this area, I would offer to babysit a few kids during the day, something I never wanted to do before, but no kind of sounds like something that would be ok.
The whole staying at home thing is kind of new to me because I have always had to work to support me, Alex, and Breyna. Thats different now, cause I'm not doing everything by myself. Over the summer it was great cause I got to spend time with the kids. But now, I clean and cook new things and watch daytime TV and stay on the computer....thats it. I need some ideas. Any other ladies stay at home wives that are into certain crafts or hobbies that help pass the time? I'm afraid with as much free time as I have, all I focus on is why I can't get pregnant and even though that is our goal, I want to focus on something more.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
T - T - Tuesday
Things didn't work out for me to go to school this year, I have to work on some "issues" and hopefully get a p/t job until next year. In an ideal world I could find somewhere hiring from 8-2:30 daily....we'll see. I wish that I knew of a reputable company that would hire me to work from home, there are too many scams out there though, you have to be careful.
I have been horrible at blogging lately, but I just haven't been feeling the whole TTC game lately. I have been following all my blogs lately though and find some kind of peace and comfort from each of them. There are some strong women out there, and the strongest are on my list! I want to send a special thanks to each of you, without you and your blogs, I don't know what I would do.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Waitin'
On other news.... I have exhausted my unemployment and there are no jobs in my area, guess medical billing wasn't the smartest thing to learn.. So I have been looking into going back to tech school to either do Cosmetology, which would take 1 year...I think we could do without my income for that long. Or nursing, which I really want to do, but would take 2 years and I'm not sure we could handle being on 1 income for that long. Also, I will have to TAB while in school because it would be pointless for me to start something in the off chance that I do get KU. Not that I have high chances of that, but I'm always hoping! I do know that I better decide quickly because tomorrow I am going in to take the entrance test and register and all that...
Decisions, Decisions..
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Many Thanks

It's my Bday, I'll whine if I want to....
possible TRIGS ahead
So today I'm 29. I can't explain why, but I have went through so many emotions in the last week and I know it must have something to do with today. I mean, when I was little, I never thought about the fact that whenI grew up and I wanted to get KU I would be having such a tough time. I'm blessed with 2 children and maybe thats it for me. I have these ideas about everything I wanted to have done by the time I turned 30. One of those things was to be done having children. As much as I love my 2 children, I really would have liked to have more. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, especially to those that are my TTC friends..I'm not trying to hurt anyones feelings or be ungrateful. It is because I love my children so much and have so much more love to give that I say that.
Anyway, I guess with all the thinking going on and not being anywhere near giving up yet, I find myself thinking over my life plan and I keep on adjusting it to this TTC issue. I am now accepting to the fact that I may not reach my goal of being done by 30, but now I have to decide how far I will go...anyone else have a life plan that keeps getting changed by the TTC mess?
Saturday, August 1, 2009
How Much More?
When do I call it quits? I have seriously thought about it for months now because I see the effects IF is having on our relationship, on my emotional health, and just everyday life. I am in such admiration and determination because of the women on WebMd....but I'm starting to feel like they can only pull me up so far, this is on me and I just don't know if I have it in me. I saw inspirational awards going around, and I feel like every woman I follow is an inspiration...but me personally, what do I have to offer? If you would have talked to me and my DH last year, he would have begged me to quit putting myself through this. But now that we have been through at least 2 known m/c, he is not ready to give up. So when do I call it? How much can I take? What is my breaking point?
TTC has consumed my life. I live for TTC milestones, taking daily temps, O'ing, checking CM, 2WW, and of course POAS. I read on a fellow bloggers page that she was in a Crisis of Faith, oh how I can relate! I am feeling like it is a daily thing that part of my spiritual self just chips away. I have always considered myself to have a lot of faith in things and in people but lately I just feel like I don't have very much of a reason to have faith. I mean, I still have the same beliefs as before, but I just can't understand why things are the way they are!
I have to find common ground with the world and put a deadline on my TTC dreams. I have to set a date that Enough is Enough. And, I have to agree to stop, before it ruins all I have in me.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Hump Day
1. Obviously its Wednesday
2. I'm half way through with AF....
On CD3 currently and honestly the cramping and evilness of AF came the days before she came when I started spotting. All in all I can't complain, just wallow in self-pity that it wasn't my C again!
So, while I was at the hospital with my boy, I must have gotten the icky germs because I got sick and now it has developed into Bronchitis. Gotta love how you can walk into a hospital or clinic well and come out sick....
Anyway, nothing else new to report. I'm still grumpy and ill about not being KU but I'll get over it by the time I 'O' and then I will be able to obsess during the 2WW again.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
False Hope
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Almost situated..
Now, to the title....almost situated. I hate to be so settled into my new home but at the same time, still so many things that are unsettled. We have internet...YAY, but I need to get a new wireless router so I can use my laptop. See my desktop is so old and slow that I pretty much can't do anything on it and its only purpose really is for the kids to use and for the cable modem to be hooked up to. I can't post on WebMD because it freezes on me and I'm going through serious withdrawals...so to all you WebMD friends, I'm still here and miss you all! I can't really follow blogs because after clicking maybe 2-3 blogs, my computer freezes! Gotta love that. But I'm not complaining too much because at least I have something.
POSSIBLE *Trigs* ALERT! On another note, I wanna through out many hugs to a friend going through another m/c. Kristen, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
I miss everyone and hope to be back on the boards/blogs soon! Many thoughts go out to each of you!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
nothin' new TTC wise..but
On other news, we are moving. We currently live in Enterprise, AL and my husband works about an hour away, so we have decided that it would save us big to move closer. The house we are moving to is a lot better than where we live now and comes with so many benefits! To check out benefits and pictures, check out my non-TTC blog: www.foreverinbama.blogspot.com.
Well, this is all for now... Guess I could hope that no news is good news!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
All Aboard the AF train....
I do want to tell my Dear Husband I'm sorry for the attitude this morning, I also know that this has been the most heart-breaking cycle for him too.
I don't know what else to say.....
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Silly hubby....
OMG....I can't believe it
http://boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.89deda7f!thdchild=.89deda7f
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
SOOOOO Many Emotions Today!
Excited, Thankful, Nervous, Anxious, Sorry, and Thrilled.
I am going through many emotions right now. On one hand I am so happy to be going back "home" and taking my 2 kids back to see family and friends. On the other, I'm really nervous about the plane ride and my little girl, who has a very mild version of Cer.e.bral Pa.lsy. I'm nervous about her ears being able to take the altitude adjustments. I'm worried about her tendency to lose blad.der con.trol. I just hope and pray that everything goes ok. Also, this is the first time that me and DH have been apart since being married. We've only been married for a year and a half, so to me it still feels like being newlyweds. Its gonna be hard to leave him for 2 weeks. Funny to say that, because I have never felt like this in my entire life so it just reassures the fact that I was with the wrong person the 1st time around. I find it such a relief that my children and DH have such a close bond. If you didn't know different, you would think they were his...and I wish they were. I would love nothing more than to have a child with him. Not that it makes my children any less, because I am so very thankful for them. I feel very blessed and love them more than I can ever describe.
Which leads me to thinking about my TTC efforts. I wish that I could do something to help all of my fellow TTC'ers. I wish that I could give them a magic pill so that they could also experience this motherhood. I feel so guilty sometimes that I have children already and that there are so many without. Some days it is really hard for me because I want to offer so much support to others, but I don't know if I'm much help to others. The last thing that I want to do is cause pain to someone else TTC and I hope and pray that I don't ever make someone feel bad or "throw it in their face that I already have children". Because honestly, if I wasn't blessed with children, it would be hard for me to hear from others that already have them.
I just want to tell all the ladies who are in this TTC journey with me that I am so thankful for the support and love that I feel. I hope that I don't make anyone feel badly, and pray that I can help by offering advice and support. You ladies mean a lot to me and I don't even "know" you.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Officially Taking A Break...
Friday, May 29, 2009
IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!
What is she waiting for??????

Thursday, May 28, 2009
If there was ever a month....
Well...this a.m. should confirm to me that I'm not KU... More spotting and another temp drop, which now takes my temp just below coverline. I've already cried some. I've already somewhat accepted it. But why oh why does our body do this. I mean, why do I get all these new symptoms to make me really FEEL KU when I'm not. I usually never have any of those symptoms, except occasional heartburn. I haven't really even gotten my pre-AF acne that I usually get? I just don't get it. When I think I know my body so well, turns out I don't...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
AF?? or WHAT???
I'm going on vacation to take my kids to Utah next week. We leave on Wednesday and won't be back until June 16th... That means I'll probably miss my O by a few days and have no chance of getting KU next C either! I just really wish that if she's coming (duh, of course she is) that she would just hurry up and be gone by Wednesday so I can be AF free during my vaca... And I can't believe that I'm wishing it, but I hope that I have a crazy long C so that I don't miss my precious O.... AHHHHH I'm HOPELESS!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just feel like pulling my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 25, 2009
What Nobody Told You About TTC
That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)
That you have no control over some of the goals you set...
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
That miscarriage is so common.
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.
That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, and ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in codeLike I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)
That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!It's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)
That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling
That you feel useless as a female
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.















