And now its finished!

Now I can relax. Our dinner went well. I love that you spend days preparing for it and it is gone in minutes. I saw something on facebook the other day that said it takes days to prepare Thanksgiving and only 12 mins to devour it. Halftime of football is also 12 mins....COINCIDENCE...???? I thought that was cute.

I'm just glad that the stress can stop and I can enjoy the rest of my long weekend. But first I wanted to express my thanks because I am very thankful for so many things. I'll only list a few....

• Family (they are the ones that know me best and still love me)
• Internet Friends (they are less judging and going through same stuff as me)
• IRL Friends (there is always a story)
• Infertility Issues (yeah, I'm thankful, only because it has made me stronger)
• Jesus (Even though I lose my faith, I still feel His Comfort)

Thank you all so much for reading my blog, being my friend/support and just plain being you! Have a safe and enjoyable Holiday.

And so it begins.....

I have the chicken boiling to make chicken and dumplings, pecan pies in the oven and the turkey has been injected and placed in the oven bag and put in the fridge ready to cook tomorrow.

I am waking up at 3:00 a.m. to put the turkey in the oven so it will be done by 8:30. I will then make corn casserole, green bean casserole and sweet potato casserole. While they are baking I will finish up the chicken and dumpling and make the stuffing on the stove. Did I mention that I don't really like any of this except the chicken and dumplings? Where I am from, we did mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, ham, turkey, yams, and a veggie tray.... I really want potatoes and gravy, but I don't want to cook anymore.

Anyway, I will be busy tomorrow but will try and post tomorrow evening....

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

5 days

As of 3 hrs ago, I get 5 days with my children and DH. That is what I am THANKFUL for! It isn't very often that we are all off at the same time. Right now I am not working, but usually my DH doesn't get the same days or all of the same days off and this time he does... Tomorrow we are all going to do a thorough clean up of the house in lieu of our expected guests. Then I am going to make the pies tomorrow so that it will be one less thing that I have to do on Thursday...

Family Pics

So, I have been married to my DH for almost 2 years and we don't have a single picture together or as a family. I have gotten Alex and Breyna's pics done every year but not one as a family..... So Saturday, it was overdue.... Here they are.

All is well...

I was able to fix my computer all by myself and not have to shell out a dime for it!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of proud of myself for being able to do it after getting so frustrated and negative.

On a more positive note, we went and got family pics done today, I will post them in the near future...

SOOOOO HARD

I am trying so hard to stay positive and not negative...so here is today's post...

Thank you to the wonderful people who put an app on F.ace.boo.k called "Fam.ily Li.nk". They were so nice when I tried to access the app, they gave my laptop a worm... A VIRUS... Trojan worm virus thing. I am so grateful that I am not working currently so that I could spend the last 15 hrs trying to remove this from my laptop and I'm even more grateful that it is taking up more of my time....

I have now got to experience 3 different virus scan makers, and even though they found the virus, they claim that the virus is being blocked. I am pleased to tell you, it isn't blocked and my computer is testing my patience today. I love not being able to see any icons on my desktop, it looks so clean. I love all the fake virus scan pop-ups that the virus causes.

Oh, screw this... I HATE MY COMPUTER, I HATE VIRUSES, I HATE FACEBOOK and I'm thoroughly sick and tired of spending so much DAMN time on my computer trying to fix it. FYI, if your computer pops up a box that mimics Wind.ows defe.nder and tells you that you have something attacking your computer......use your own software because it probably really isn't the real Windows. YeAh YeAh, my fault for being stupid, but in my defense, it looked real....just like my Win.dows Defe.nder...

AbSoLuTeLy NoThInG

I'm about to jinx myself if I don't knock on wood, but....... NOTHING bad has happened to me today. My hubby is in HVAC work and he actually worked close enough to the house to come home for lunch, positive #1. Then, my little girl got her school pics back, not sure why my son didn't since they go to same school but maybe his will come home tomorrow. Then we had a very yummy dinner at a little cafe that we had never been in. We then came home and did our nightly ritual, played Monopoly. It was fun and it was a good day.

I'm trying to look at all positives, no negative. My mom is always telling me about "The Secret". Which is basically a concept of thinking positive to bring positive and the more pessimistic you are, the worse things turn out. I have always been a believer of this. For many years I could find the good in anything and over the past 2 years I have been slowly turning into a pessimistic. It is time for me to take back control of my feelings. Afterall, one of my fave quotes is something like, its not what you are dealt, but how you deal with what you receive. That is what I'm going to start working harder at.

ICING on my misery cake

I just got pulled over, yep, thats right....lets add on to yesterdays list.

We just bought this car from DH's grandma and she lost the title, so I have not been able to tag it yet. They told me that I would be ok for 21 days with a bill of sale and after that go in for a temp tag if title hasn't came. Well, we were just a little dumb, but we put on an old license plate we had just to avoid getting pulled over. We figured that way at least we would have an in-date plate on the car.

Well the great police in my city decided to run my tag for no apparent reason and of course when it came back not matching, I got pulled over. Not only that, but I'm sure they were thinking I stole the car because next thing I know, 3, yes 3 police cars are surrounding me after the original officer already talked to me and had my license and bill of sale. I was so scared and shaking that I couldn't hardly talk and I definitely had no idea why I was being pulled over. Apparently while I ran into Subway, they must have ran my plate because as I was leaving no cars were behind me and I pulled into a gas station and the police car came out of nowhere and pulled in behind me with the lights going. He got out and came up to me and told me how my plates didn't match the car and asked me if I knew that was totally illegal.

Oh, and my damn insurance card is not in the car! So I get a ticket for the tag issue and the insurance. At least I can try and fight the insurance one. I am not saying that I didn't deserve this, but JUST go ahead and add this to yesterdays post since I'm going to end up paying $343 before 12/17/09..... MERRY CHRISTMAS

Just Another Thing....

Do you ever feel like everything that can go wrong, does??? I'm sure that I'm being over-dramatic and my life isn't that bad, but lately I feel like I just can't get a break. Since my car accident in July, it seems like I just keep getting more and more on the plate. Is that supposed to be a sign that we couldn't afford to have a baby right now? I honestly believe that there is a reason for everything, but I'm just not sure what the reason for all of this is yet.

In the last 4 months:

• I wrecked our driveable car.
• My son was in ICU because of the wreck, doing better now though.
• Our fridge quit.
• The "new" used car we got ended up being a lemon.
• DH ended up inpatient in the hospital because of stomach problems.
• We sold my DH's old truck because it quit running and we didn't want to keep pouring money into it.
• We got a car from DH's grandma that runs but is almost as old as me..
• The company DH works for is no longer going to let employees drive vehicles home, so now we have to figure out how he will get to and from work.
• Our washer bit the dust last night.

I guess I should just be thankful that we are all alive and healthy and have a roof over our head at this point. I'm guessing that it doesn't matter how much I want to continue TTC, our financial situation is going to make that decision for me.

Gem

Thank you Sherry!!!!

The You're a Gem! award is for the special bloggers who take the time not only to read my posts, but also leave comments, respond to comments, form blog friendships with and support others, answer blogger questions, etc. . . . the ones who are "a real gem" in the bloggy world! The bloggy world wouldn't be the same without you! The only rule for this award is to accept it, display it proudly on your blog for all the bloggy world to see your greatness, and/or pass it on to other bloggers as you see fit. So, to the following bloggers I say, "you're a gem to me" and here is your award!

I know that most of the "Gems" I nominate have already received the award, but here is who I would pick:

Sherry
Christina
E
Dot
Kitty
Robin

I would also nominate Emily and Jen from WebMd, they are faithful blog followers and always make my day to have their comments!

Change of Heart

I just want you ladies to know how much I appreciate each and everyone of you. Here is just one example of how strong and influential your posts/blogs are to me....

I decided to stop TTC because of this nasty AF, I even took my first BCP yesterday in almost 2 years....Then, I read Christina's post this morning. I can't stop TTC. I can't give up yet. I have this dream and yearning that is so strong and deep and I can't stop it just because once a month I am put through the ringer. It is a small price to pay to go through 2 HELL days a month (the most heavy and painful only last 2) to possibly become preggers. So this morning, I didn't take a BCP and I'm not going to...YET.

I HATE HER!!!!!

Yes, I used the word HATE!! I don't use it often because it is a very strong word, and I hardly ever use it when talking about someone, because mostly I don't hold too many grudges....BUT

I HATE the NaStY, mEaN, wIcKeD, AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was uncomfortable and not feeling well because of her already, well sometime in the middle of the night she decided that wasn't enough. I changed my monthly earring 3 times during the night and woke up to find if I would have waited 10 more mins I would have bled all over our bed!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUCK... sorry if that gave anyone a mental picture.

On a better note, DH's daughter didn't announce she was pregnant, only that she thinks she is. She hasn't missed a period yet, but she has been sick for the past few days. So sick she can't even cook hamburger meat because the smell has been bugging her. She also informed me that she takes HPTs every month to make sure she's not preggers...yeah OK..WHATEVER! She has been trying to get pregnant ever since she was 15, and she has succeeded once. OMG, why am I so jealous? I know she is doing better now with this new bf, who DID ask permission to marry her last night. She still wouldn't know what to do if she had to be by herself with her daughter for more than a few hours, so at least he is there too and he is good with them both!

Friday the 13th...

So today has been a living hell. First, the day before yesterday the belt on my car broke and had to be towed home... I have been driving our POS car that I've been trying to get rid of, it dies anytime it is idling. It drives great, but doesn't want to idle at any stop signs or stop lights... ANNOYING.

Second, the witch is being awfully mean to me and I feel like total CRAP!!!! I wish I could just go lay down with my heating pad and pain pill. But my house has been put off for the last week because I was sick and I really need to clean. I have laundry, dishes and plain straightening up to do. The little stuff that isn't necessary is just gonna have to wait.

Third, my DH's daughter and boyfriend are coming over tonight. They called the other day and asked if they could come over tonight because her bf wants to talk to DH. Well, they are already kinda planning on getting married in April so I'm pretty sure he is gonna ask DH for permission tonight. I also have the feeling that she has been TTC since she has been ever since she was 15 and already has 1 child that is almost 5. She is actually doing better at being a mom since being with her BF and he takes really good care of her and the baby, but if she announces that she is KU anytime soon....I will lose it emotionally. Mainly because up until recently, she wasn't that good of a mother. And I will be extremely jealous and will not be able to see how it is fair for her to have another when all my TTC sisters can't.....

Anyway....here's praying that the rest of today/tonight go better...

I'm Out

This C is officially a bust! I have had spot since Tuesday night and tonight I believe she is here.... DAMN Witch anyway! Back to the decision of keep on TTC or BCPs through the holidays. If I decide not to use the BCPs, and continue to have these long C's, I will most likely see AF on Christmas...not something that will be welcome!

My Endo....BLAH

First, LOL Caitlin.....I don't expect you to remember all of my probs....

So my history..... Well when I was 15, I didn't have a lap but my AF started to get to the point that all I could do is curl up and squawl. Then I started blacking out/passing out. My mom took me to the dr and they put me on BCP and that helped a little, but they were still very painful and very heavy.

When I was 19, I went through a phase of not eating very often, in hopes to lose weight and I wasn't living healthy...My periods got lighter and sporadic at that time. I ended up getting preggers and after I had my son, I actually had normal periods for a year and got KU with my daughter. Then for another 2 years my periods were actually normal again and slowly got worse and worse.

Two years ago, I married my DH and at the time, we didn't plan on TTC right away. But right after I got to AL, I couldn't stop bleeding. We were newlyweds and I was bleeding everyday for a month. I went to the dr and they did a lap. They found fibroid tumors and endo. The cut out the tumors and biopsied them, they were benign. And they burned off the endo. I kind of knew about the endo because my dr in UT pretty much told me that before but when I was younger, I didn't have the opportunity to do the lap.

Anyway, my dr said that when you get preggers, it is kind of like a magic eraser for endo...temporarily. Because my endo was mainly on my lining and ovaries, when I was preggers I didn't have it any longer. He also said that it usually takes about a year or two that you are in the clear before it comes back. My dr here in AL said the same thing and that the LAP was kind of like a bandaid and would only last for about a year, maybe 2. Well, right after the LAP, I took Lupron...OH, what a joy....NOT!!!!

At this point, I wonder if I might not also have PCOS because of my irregular C's and hormone imbalance. You see, I'm a very heavy person and when I was preggers, I lost 70 lbs and my girl was still 8 lbs 5 oz, and it only took 6 weeks for me to put it all on. My dr thinks that the preg hormones actually stabilize my body/thyroid/metabolism and that I have a hormonal imbalance on a regular basis...this I have not confirmed so its just a theory. But, it is my next step to get checked out.

And besides all of this, my DH was told years ago his sperm count was low. They had him tested when he was married to his late wife and it took them 5 years to get preg with their 2nd child.

Thanks to Sherry, I do have the endo diet and I try to stick to it....but its hard....

And thats me in a NUTshell... :)

Just A Guess.....

It's not going to happen this month. I just used the RR and spot was there, I'm sure AF will follow either tomorrow or Thursday. It was fun to think positive for awhile though, no I'm back to my poor, pity-me self. I guess I can count this C as another retarded long irregular. I gave myself 2 yrs and that will be up in February. Now that I'm reaching my goal, I don't know that I want to give up. If it weren't for the freakin' Endo, I wouldn't, but AF is starting to be more than just a major pain every month... Its getting to the unbearable state again. Here's hopin' when she gets here, she will take it easy on me.

Not So Bad

The weather is not sooo bad, but Ida just made landfall, so not sure what to expect mid-morning. All the rain has passed through the night and there aren't any more big bands coming with Ida, just strong winds and possible power outages. We are also on for tornado watches and flood watches, I guess tornadic activity is normal with Hurricanes. I kept the kids home anyway. I know, I know, bad mommy...but we are gonna have an indoor game day. I don't usually let the kids stay home just because so they think they are pretty neat today. Truth is, last time we had storms, I sent them to school only to go back 1/2 hr later when tornadoes where hitting..

Not yet...

Still nothing to update. No AF, and I haven't taken an HPT since Friday. I might have to go get a dollar test today... We'll see. I have to go into town to fill up the gas tank so I might just venture over and see if they have any tests. If they do, I was meant to buy one and if they don't...well you know.

On the weather front, Hurricane Ida is expected to come right on top of us sometime tomorrow. I live just about the Florida panhandle on the AL border and they are saying it will come at us at Hurricane 1 strength when it hits the coast and may die to tropical storm hitting us. That means about 50mph wind and lots of rain and tornadic activity spinning of the storm... I'm scared. I have only been in AL for 2 years and I have only seen reminants of hurricanes, like the rain after. We have been flooded because of those, but I'm really worried about this! I will be doing a lot of praying and I don't plan on sending my kids to school tomorrow because I don't want them stuck there if something bad happens. In 2007, a tornado hit here and killed kids that were trapped under a wall at school. It was in the town we just moved from 30 miles away, so fears are very close to home and everyone takes these storms very seriously!

Just Because....

Just Because:

• You relax and don't monitor when you O'd, doesn't help you relax during what should be the 2ww.
• You  take 100 HPT's, doesn't mean you will get a positive!
• You want something to happen, doesn't mean it will!
• All you think about is having a baby, doesn't make it happen.
• Your TTC friends deserve get KU, doesn't make it so..

 

How crummy. I decided that the more I want this, the less likely it is becoming. I hate that I not only cry over AF visiting me every month, but every time one of my TTC friends gets a BFN or AF visits....it tears my heart apart as if it were my own. Every time I have another friend that has to give up the TTC dream because of money, age, family issues, or plain exhaustion....it saddens me deeper. I have so many scars on this TTC heart, and they aren't all mine, but they feel as if they are. Thank you to all you wonderful ladies that are soo supportive! You are precious gifts and I don't know how I could go through this without you!

 

Update: NO, AF has still not shown for me. I have temped the last 9 days and they have been post-O temps so I'm expecting her anyday since my LP is usually right around 12 days. I have probably taken a dozen tests in the last 2 weeks (thank goodness most were $$ tests), and the only lines I see are evap lines, and yes they happen very regularly on the $$ store brand test (in as little as 10 mins).

My Non-TTC Post

So yesterday was crazy! Here is a little info about me that some know and some don't. My DH is a widower, he has 2 adult children. The 19 year old son, K, lives with us. K is in the National Guard and that is about all he does...NOTHING else. He will be shipped out for basic training the end of December and will actually be forced to live an adult life for almost a year, I'm glad!

Anyway, on with my story. Thursday night K was to go to the city we just moved from and stay with some friends since he had to report at "Drill" on Saturday morning. The city is about 1 hr away from where we live now and he called his friends and told them he was on his way. Yesterday, when I was in Gaga land wanting to buy HPTs, I get a call from 1 of the friends saying K never made it to his house or the other friend he stays with. Then the other friends mother calls me and is worried saying K called her personally and he still hasn't made it. So the next few hours went on searching for K, calling hospitals, friends, jails, etc. My husband was told by Police Dept that a car (same as K's) was found in trees and boy was unconscious. We went into panic mode, but didn't know if it was K or not. We went fast as can be to pull my kids out of school since we didn't know what was going on, then we took off towards the city to see if we could find him. Turns out he was not the one in the wrecked car and he was found as we were approaching the city. He had decided to stay with a different friend, but didn't bother to call anyone and let them know.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is ok and not hurt.... But my DH lost 5 hrs of work with no pay, I pulled my 2 children out of school and we had everyone and their dog looking for him! Not to mention me and DH could have had a panic attack or stroke with our nerves going like they were.

Dang IT

They still don't have any $$ tests, they don't even have anymore of the $4 tests.... Guess I will need to venture to other stores...hmm, Walmart? Rite Aid? Where should I go? I think WalMart since I know they have $4 tests too.

Feelin Antsy

So, yeah...I'm about to take myself down to the Dol.lar Gen.eral and by some more HPTs.. I'm going through POAS withdrawals and I wanna see 2 lines!!!!!! THINK POSITIVE.....Power of "The Sec.ret".

Impatiently Waiting

Thats right, now on CD35 and nothing. I do know that I O'd, but not sure when. I know this because my temps have been at post-O for at least 7 days, I tried not to temp, but I couldn't stand it! I also remember having EWCM about 2 weeks ago. I had spotting about the same time but thought it was from FD, but not sure. I will continue to temp now because I'm waiting for the DROP. I keep telling myself there is no need to test and I'll just keep wasting money, but when I can get tests for a dollar and there is still a possibility....its really hard! I have not tested today, but I'm thinking that I will tomorrow, I don't have enough will power not too...

Oh yeah, on other news, I wasn't able to sign up for the month of posting thing, but if you will notice I have posted everyday this month so far, hopefully that won't jinx anything and I will continue.

I'm thinking...not this time????

I couldn't stand it no more. Even though the dollar store didn't have anymore tests, they did have the $4 tests that I don't usually get. Well, I took it after lunch, NEGATIVE. So maybe my $$ test was just a fluke. I am now on CD34 and no idea when I O'd so something needs to happen soon.

Can you believe it?

I DIDN'T test this morning. Not that I didn't want to, I have been dying to. But, I went to Dollar General last night since that is the only place in our little town that I can get $$ HPTs and they had no more. I am pretty cheap and refuse to spend a lot on HPTs, mainly because if I spend a lot and it comes up BFN, I feel like I wasted money. I'm not sure when I'll be able to test again, hopefully soon or I'll have to break down and pay high dollar... I know, I'm cheap!

Honest!

Thanks E!!!!
This award comes with some rules as well:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it. (Yep)
2) Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself. (See below.)
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have I encouraged you. (Also below.)
4) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award. (Shortly...)


1. I have never met some of my best friends ever!
2. I have so many high hopes every month until I see pink/red
3. The love for my children is never-ending
4. I love my DH more than I ever thought was possible
5. I'm scared everyday about what is in my future
6. I miss my family in UT so much it hurts!
7. I love being a Stay At Home Mom.
8. I am a POASaholic
9. I am very quick tempered, but can forgive most things
10. I am a good cook

Okay....I nominate......

Dot
Sherry
Christina
Kitty
Gabsy
Kristen
Caitlin

50th Post - Insane in the Membrane

Someone seriously needs to do an intervention with me and HPTs. I mean now!! I see lines...don't know if they are really there or evap or what... Seems to me if they were true positives they would get darker. This morning I saw a line (faint) on a dollar store HPT. This was with FMU and at 4:30am. I saw the faint line through tired, cold-mess eyes. I was so happy that I couldn't sleep and when my DH was up and getting ready for work, I asked him if he saw it...he did too. But at this point 2 hrs had passed and it started to look more like an evap line, even though when I saw it the first time it was about 7 mins after.

Well, the POASaholic that I am, I had to take another one...good thing that I always buy them in bulk and had another one.. But this time...NO LINE.... So now what.... is a line a line or was I seeing things through blurry eyes and DH seeing an evap line? AGHHHH! How long should I wait to retest. I hate to get my hopes up. Especially since I don't even know for sure that I O'd this month....but I have never not O'd. I have had a couple of REALLY long cycles though...like 50 days...and I'm on CD31 now. I have had no spotting whatsoever so I don't think AF is around the corner but not sure if she should be or now, most C's are between 27-30 days on a normal basis. And for a BPT we would have to pay out of pocket as no coverage for this.

Like I said, I seriously need an intervention!!! Even though I'm trying my hardest to relax...I CAN'T!