Officially Taking A Break...

Taking a break, will be back to TTC in July.... Good Luck to all my fellow TTC'ers. Baby Dust to All! (((O Vibes))) to those who need them.

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!

She must have read my post earlier.... cause she is HERE! So I'm officially TAB until July I guess. I must have ticked her off being real demanding because she is being a real B****! At least I won't have to feel like this on the airplane though. I'll try to keep her from visiting my fellow TTC'ers and send her to invade a teenager on summer break...ha ha I'm so evil!

What is she waiting for??????

I mean, SERIOUSLY! She is playing with me...

I am spotting again, still not red. It is like a very light pinkish, almost orangeish? WEIRD! Also, my temp rose, just a little bit, but enough to make me go crazy again!

So now I'm thinking, if she comes today, I might be done by Tuesday, great timing to leave Wednesday.... Doesn't leave much time for some goodbye FD'ing..but would be better than none at all. Now, if she keeps stalling I'm probably not gonna get my goodbye FD'ing, and I'm not gonna be feeling very well on the airplane! SOOOO, if you can hear me, PLEASE either COME NOW or STAY THE HELL AWAY!!!!!!!!!!

If there was ever a month....

That I thought I was KU, it would have been this one. Even the months that I had an early pregnancy I didn't really feel it (though extremely happy none the less). This month I O'd on a decent time, I had really sore boobs (never have this), severe headaches (talking borderline migraine), emotional, nauseous, heartburn x's 10, just a weird feeling. And last night, even trying to convince myself I wasn't KU, I looked at the boobs and they were swollen, a little bit bigger. I'm a big girl, but I don't have big boobs, so when they grow...I notice...even DH was looking at them.

Well...this a.m. should confirm to me that I'm not KU... More spotting and another temp drop, which now takes my temp just below coverline. I've already cried some. I've already somewhat accepted it. But why oh why does our body do this. I mean, why do I get all these new symptoms to make me really FEEL KU when I'm not. I usually never have any of those symptoms, except occasional heartburn. I haven't really even gotten my pre-AF acne that I usually get? I just don't get it. When I think I know my body so well, turns out I don't...

AF?? or WHAT???

I hate this time of the month..you know a day or 2 before AF storms at you and you start spotting. You still cant tell be your temps if you are KU or gonna get AF cause they are above cover and sometimes still high. You have this CONSTANT HOPE that this is really implantation spotting and not AF's entrance... I know deep down that the spotting and temp drop means she is near, but WHY OH WHY do I keep this hope that something is different and its just implantation. I mean, what more of a reality check do I need? Why can't I just accept that I'm not KU and move on? WHY WHY WHY???? I just can't swallow it. I stick to this motto of not being out until the tampon is in....but its not really working for me. Am I the only one that can't let go?

I'm going on vacation to take my kids to Utah next week. We leave on Wednesday and won't be back until June 16th... That means I'll probably miss my O by a few days and have no chance of getting KU next C either! I just really wish that if she's coming (duh, of course she is) that she would just hurry up and be gone by Wednesday so I can be AF free during my vaca... And I can't believe that I'm wishing it, but I hope that I have a crazy long C so that I don't miss my precious O.... AHHHHH I'm HOPELESS!!!!!!!



Sometimes I just feel like pulling my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Nobody Told You About TTC

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.

That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.

That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set...

That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.

That miscarriage is so common.

That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),

That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".

That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.

That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.

That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.

That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.

That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.

That I am so glad my neice was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.

That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.

That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.

That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).

That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.

That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.

That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!

That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!

That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would learn to speak in codeLike I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN

That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"

That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.

That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)

That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.

That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."

That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!It's good to know I am not alone.

That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.

That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")

That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.

That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.

That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)

That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time

That your body has its own mind.

That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.

That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling

That you feel useless as a female

That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children

That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

Singin "AF STAY AWAY" *trigs

When I got KU with my DD, things weren't just that easy even 8 yrs ago. I had an early m/c at 6 wks and about 3 wks after that I went to the hospital thinking that I had a UTI or something and they told me I was KU. I told them that I had just had a m/c, and they said "this isn't the same one, your levels are way too high" so, I was KU...hadn't even had AF...

Fast forward to this month, I am soooo hopeful that I am KU that I just can't help to think maybe history will repeat itself. Since 3DPO I have had AWFUL boobie pain, I have never got this before, except when KU. I have also been getting real bad indigestion since about 6dpo, not necessarily a new thing but I've never gotten heartburn repeatedly for days. Now I am 9dpo and I'm worried I'm setting myself up. What if these are just AF symptoms. So I'm starting the dance and I'm not gonna stop dancing...."AF STAY AWAY, go haunt some teenage girl today". I'm hoping it works, but here is the kicker.... I am a POAS aholic and have been POAS for 3 days, now I know I'm gonna get a BFN, but I do it anyway, and now I'm major depressed.....

Well, here is some Baby Dust to pass around....

Having a Hard Time

I am contemplating leaving the boards on WebMD. And in all reality, it is probably a dumb reason for me to leave, but my feelings are really hurt. Well, maybe not my feelings, but definitely my Pride. I had a huge problem with the recent adoption post on the TTC boards and more problem with the 6 month board saying to send them to the 12 month board because we could use it more. Like just because we have been trying longer we should give up hope on TTC and break down to adopt cause we are broken and shouldn't think with hope and faith. I mean, like a fellow TTC'er said, we are probably trying more now than ever, using meds, injections, procedures and surgeries...why do they think we would do this and want women who are unhappy just post about WHO WANTS MY BABY?

So, me being me, wrote a reply as a lurker on the 6 mos board and apparently it was too personal to the poster and not the topic at hand. I don't really understand that since I was giving my opinion on why it wouldn't be appropriate and that it wouldn't be any more appropriate on the 12mos board than the 6 mos. Whatever, that's fine. But if my post is offensive and can be removed. Why can I report the original post that seemed way more offensive towards everyone, but yet its still there.

So I went on to the 1st trimester board and one of the ladies that hasn't gotten happy about being preggo yet replied to the poster about how it really hurt her feelings because it made her feel guilty and like she was being talked about. She also said she wasn't planning on abortion or adoption, just that this was unplanned and she hasn't gotten "happy" about it yet... I truly understand that and feel bad that it hurt her as a preg woman as much as it would hurt us TTC for someone to post WHO WANTS MY BABY...but again, the post is still there.

I love WebMD because I feel close to the women, but I think for now I am just gonna have to follow blogs for those that have them...

Just another thing to worry about....

So, I did my OPKs this month and I got my 1st ++ on Thursday. Well, my temp did in fact jump on Saturday morning. FF confirmed my O date. Weird thing is even last night, I still got a ++ on OPK. I did a little research and it said that women with PCOS get ++ a lot because they have LH in them consistently.

But I don't get cysts, and I clearly ovulated since temp shift and CM differences confirmed. So now, since I have read that, I have been paranoid thinking maybe that is just another thing I can add to the list of excuses of why I'm not getting KU. My dr did an ultrasound about 4 years ago thinking I had PCOS but I didn't have the grapelike cysts, I only get one here and there. She said that some women with PCOS don't always get the clusters and the only sure fire way of diagnosing is the blood work. But at the time my insurance wouldn't pay for it because the ultrasound came back normal. Out of Sight, Out of Mind....that is until now, when I start obsessing about every little thing that tells me I'm a woman!

I still think that it is some wierd fluke that I have gotten the continued ++ because I read a lot of stories about this happening to women using the A.ns.wer brand. I no longer have any strips, which might be good since I would probably be going nuts POAS whenever I got the chance.... Oh, Lord help me! I think I've gone crazy!!! Isn't endo, fibroids, and hpv enough aside from the fact that I'm overweight. Well, better go for now so I can go obsess and research what's wrong with me a little more.. ;}

I Refuse To Get Down

Especially after I posted how well I was handling this m/c. I refuse to let myself get down today. I woke up, did BBT, and ever since can't stop thinking about TTC. I know that I have let TTC consume my life and it usually isn't a problem...but today, everyone that I love on the boards seems to be getting bad news, BFN's or just woke up really down in the dumps today. I wish there were something I could do or say to make it a better day for all of us. Why do we put ourselves through this mess?

Because everyone of us are good people and would be great mothers-THAT's why. This is a challenge post to get you to think of 3 things that you love about yourself, or that you do well!

1. I am very dependable! You can count on me!
2. I try to see the positive no matter how much negative surrounds me. (This can be annoying to others).
3. I'm still here, so I must be ok...right? Nobody's tried to "do away" with me.

I love you all hope that you wake up tomorrow to a better day!

A-Z About Me..

I know, I'm a copycat, but I saw this on another blog and thought it looked fun!

A - Age: 28, almost 29
B - Bed size: Full size.
C - Chore you hate: Dishes
D - Dad's Name: Doug
E - Essential start your day item: Toothbrush
F - Favorite food: Italian
G - Gold or Silver: White Gold so it looks silver...:)
H - Height: 5' 5-3/4"
I - Instruments you play(ed): Violin in 7th Grade. Guitar on Guitar Hero, does that count?
J - Job title: Stay at Home Mom, most recently Medical Biller
K - Kid(s): 2 biological younger children, 2 adult step children, 1 grandbaby
L - Living arrangements: 3 Bedroom Home out in country
M - Moms name : Tracie
N - Nicknames: BabyDoll, Giggles, Beans when I was little
O - Overnight hospital stay: Baby Deliveries
P - Pet Peeve: Talking with mouth full of food, Smacking Gum, Ignorant people, I could go on..
Q - Quotes you like: "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Done Unto You "
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: None
T - Time you wake up: About 6
U - Undying love for: my husband & children
V - Vegetable you dislike: Cooked carrots. I like them raw, but not cooked
W - Ways you run late: lose my keys or can't find my shoes
X- X-rays you've had: teeth, hand... guess I'm more of an ultrasound girl
Y - Yummy food you make: Homemade BBQ Pulled Pork, Chili
Z - Zodiac: Leo

This is gonna sound crazy...

But I feel like I have handled this whole miscarriage better than the BFN's I usually get on a normal cycle. Don't get me wrong, I was a mess last week, but I think that I'm ok. And I'm just ready to move forward. It didn't seem to take me as long to accept it this time and I wonder if it is partly because I kept telling myself out of all the months, this month I felt it the least. I think that it didn't hurt that I had so much support from my WebMd friends.

My husband missed one of the meetings at the fire station when he took me to the ER and we saw the Assistant Chief yesterday and he asked me if I was ok. At first, I didn't know why he was asking so I was like, Yeah I'm fine. Then he said, "Are you sure cause W said he had to take you to the ER." Before I knew what I was doing I just blurted out, "I had a miscarriage." I never would have shared this type of info with anyone other than the board. I still don't know why I did, but in my heart I felt like saying it lifted something off my shoulders. When I told my DH about it, he was kind of surprised I said something too cause I usually try to keep it private. Like I said before, this has been one of them times that just seem Surreal and like it didn't really happen so it made it easier to accept. One of them times that someone might have gotten away with saying something like, "It wasn't meant to be" and I might not wanted to punch them as bad... :)

Bye Bye Little One

Beta for this morning: 4
So I'm officially and clinically noviable pregnancy and miscarried.

Not sure what to expect now. I haven't really had a very HEAVY flow and no clots thus far. I started bleeding Tuesday but it was light. Wednesday and Thursday was a little more and yesterday a little lighter. Today, mainly spotting with wipe. I don't know if this means I'm done, or if this is just the beginning and I don't know what to expect. I have miscarried before but I don't really remember what the flow was like, but I remember cramping. My normal average period is probably 3 times this...

So now, I'm just praying that was it so we can move on.

Thank You

Thank you to all my WebMd friends. You ladies have definitely made this a little easier. I know deep deep deep down, we will all get our BFP that sticks when the time is right... I don't know whoever thought about doing these boards but I am so very glad they did. I have never felt so much love and support in my life. We haven't really told anyone we are trying and we for sure aren't telling anyone when we are KU until at least 10 weeks. I felt so alone because I knew my DH was as heartbroken as I was and he really was trying to make me feel better...but nothing would. Then I got on the boards and read all the nice sentiments and started bawling. But this time my tears weren't from hurt and anger that I was miscarrying, they were from the heart and feeling so much support. I hope that I can be that supportive to all of you!