One of them days...

I hate almost every aspect of my life. I know that I have alot to be thankful for, but the negative part of me is just getting to be overbearing. I can sit here and name 50 bad things to every 1 good thing....I'm not in a happy place. Furthermore, I need to realize that TTC just isn't for me. It wouldn't be fair for me to TTC and be successful and bring a child into my unhappy life. Besides with our economy, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to support another child anyway.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of years. And believe it our not, since reaching adulthood, I really don't care about receiving gifts. I just want to make sure that I am able to provide for my children. So far I've done a pretty good job at it. This year is no exception I have made sure that they have been provided for and honestly I feel like now, anything else or anyone else can "suck it". I'm so NOT feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have lost a lot of faith in the past 2 years. I know that I believe in God and Jesus, but I have lost so much faith and I am not in a good place.

I am very lucky to be blessed with my 2 beautiful children and they mean the absolute world to me, I hope that I'm not screwing them up. I try to be very careful about how I act around them because I don't want them to see just how unhappy I am. I definitely don't want them to think they did anything to make me feel this way. I grew up thinking I was the route of all my single-mom's problems and I always felt guilty when something went wrong, I don't ever want my children to feel that way. Honestly, the only reason I make it through each day is because I love them so very much and I don't ever want to lose them. Thank God I have them or I don't know what kind of a person I would be, probably non-existent.

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I went to court last night. Because I proved I had insurance and recently got a tag on my car, they dismissed both tickets on the condition that I pay court costs- $218, way better than the original $343 that it was gonna cost. And they are giving me until Jan 21st to pay. I think I can handle that since they won't be on my record. The judge was nice, unlike the police officer that gave me the damn ticket..... Oh well, my fault...you live and learn.