Still Alive

I am not even sure how many friends I have out there that even blog or read my blog, but I am still alive. I have disappeared for almost a year this time. I had to escape from the IF drama. I love all of you and think about you often. I didn't just disappear from blogging, I also had to delete most of you from my Facebook. Please don't take it personal, I just had one of them days for the last year. I am back and I am still deciding on whether to keep this blog going or whether to just delete it. I am no longer actively TTC, however every time I miss AF or she is late (which is every month) I get all excited and hopeful but deep down I know it isn't going anywhere. I am entering a stage of acceptance finally and it is a nice feeling. I hope that you all will understand why I have disappeared and will still include me in this group of great friends that I wish could have been founded for super different reasons!

On a lighter note, HAPPY FRIDAY to y'all!

Inspired?!?

Yes, I am still alive... hard to believe since it has been so long! I can't believe that I disappeared for so long. I have been reading others blogs daily though, I just haven't found my own inspiration for a post. My life is, get this, somewhat chaotic. I don't know whether I am coming or going half the time. I manage to feel this way without having an outside job, without having a 'real' life...just simply put, living life day by day.

I have sunk into a depression. WHAT?! Yes this infertile is depressed. I have reached an ultimate low. I don't know that any of you are even reading my blog anymore, especially since I haven't posted in 8 mos.... but if you are, I'm sorry that I have pushed you away. You may have been reading my blog or you may have been on my facebook...chances are, you probably aren't doing either. I sunk too a low when it seemed that all I read on facebook were baby/pregnancy updates and I acted a little irrational and deleted everyone related to my IF life. Don't be surprised if you get a friend request from me, I miss my friends! Besides if anyone is pregnant or has a baby, I hope and pray that it is one of you ladies!

 The hardest hit to me is when I found out my stepdaughter is preg again. This will now be her 3rd child and her middle one is just over a year and she is already 20 weeks. I have to tell you that I am extremely jealous and hold resentment. When I first came into their lives, my husband and I took care of her oldest child day and night while she still partied and lived out her younger 'all about me' years. Let me tell you, even though some things have changed, not everything has. I just don't know how it is fair for a couple to be ready for a family in every sense of the word and not be able to have one while another couple who is reckless and so self-involved can get knocked up so easily. Anyway, I am not about to make this a pity party post because I am trying to pick up and drag myself out of the infertility hole that I have dug myself into. I hope that all is well for everyone of you amazing ladies....

 PS, Kitty, if you are reading...I have said a million and one prayers for you! :)

Starting The Year Out Right

I have been looking forward to the New Year for a few months now, I needed a 'fresh start' to change some things in my life. This year has just begun and already I find positives in it. Which, by the way, is my biggest resolution...to find more positive in things and not the negative.

1st - AF arrived after a 33 day cycle, I don't know if I had 1 regular cycle the whole last year. In an ideal 28 day cycle I would have started on New Years Eve, thankfully AF was nice and waited a couple days, but not 60. :) Yes, I can be thankful for AF when it means a normal C. Also, with our financial capabilities, we are not TTC right now but not really preventing, because I realize after 4 years, it isn't really going to matter.

2nd - My husband has done electrical, HVAC, plumbing for more than 15 years and really wanted a job in maintenance to utilize all 3. He applied for a job on base here and GOT it. He started this morning. FULL TIME. He isn't working for the army itself, but the hotel chain on the army. For the past month he was working p/t at Lowes so this is a big relief.

3rd - Last week, his unemployment that was denied was appealed and awarded to him so we got a couple weeks of back pay to help until he gets his first full time check.

4th - I've been checking into work at home companies, but I didn't want to do outgoing calls, just incoming. A couple months ago, a lady from my church told me about the company she has worked for for the last 5 years. I applied immediately since it appeared to be legit since she had been there that long. I was on a wait list and got my email this weekend and an offer for employment. Now I am just waiting for paperwork to be completed, a separate phone line in my home and a few other minor things. So now I get to work also....hopefully soon.

Sorry this post is so long, but I wanted to make sure that I got everything out here before I turn into a Negative Nancy again. Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments and facebook messages. I love you all and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Ending This Year

This is my ending post to 2011. Goodbye, see ya, hasta la vista, arvoire, caio...etc...etc...etc. I have seen 3 m/c's this year, not something that I ever thought would be possible.

I have been lost for a few months, there is a reason for that. I am DEPRESSED, I can't get out of this funk. I moved back to AL, which I love AL, but I miss my family, and mostly, my stability. When we were in UT, we owned our home, both worked, both had vehicles and got by...we weren't rich, but we were able to go out when I forgot to thaw out meat.

The last few months, I have had no luck finding a job. The job that my husband transferred with turned sour almost immediately after we got here. They were giving him less than p/t hours when he was supposed to be f/t and he was officially without a job on Thanksgiving day. What does that mean for our family of 4? Great humbleness and relying on the Lord (which we have always done), but also relying on help from our church and government...which I hate! I don't even know how we pulled off Christmas and our bills but the Lord works in mysterious ways. We are in the worse way financially that I have ever seen. My DH is now working p/t but getting almost f/t hours, but it isn't good pay and I'm on never-ending interviews.

This is not a pity post by any means, just reasoning as to why I haven't been posting and why I'm ready for a new year with a fresh start. We found out today that my DH got his unemployment appeal in his favor for the few weeks that he wasn't working and I keep my faith that one of us will at least land a good full time job. With all of this, you can imagine that I haven't even thought of TTC. I would never want to consume my time with that while I feel that I can barely make it with our family now. Much love to all of you that still read (don't know if anyone is left). I still read daily and comment on occasion all of your blogs. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that your dreams come true in 2012.

Advice requested, not IF related

I am moving back to Alabama on Sept 20th. This will probably make my children about a month behind in school. Also, we don't know exactly where we will be living permanently. I am trying to find out how I can home-school for at least this year as to not traumatize them so much. I have the ability to home school, but have no clue where to get started. I have done a little googling, but I'm asking for help from my teacher friends and fellow mothers or anyone else who has anything to tell me. I'm hoping to find something that is little to no cost. Any info would help, thank you.

Gone Again

I spent most of today in the doctor office and then the hospital cancer center. Yesterday I went in for my follow up u/s and bloodwork. Still NOTHING in my uterus and my labs showed 3825 barely double in a whole week. At this point something should have shown.

My doctor called me in this morning and did the internal check and it was determined that instead of letting this embryo continue in my tube and it bursting and possibly causing more infertility issues, we needed to opt for Methotrexate, which is a Chemotherapy drug used to terminate an ectopic pregnancy. I had to go to the infusion center at the hospital cancer center to get the injections. One in each hip. It should start to take effect in the next couple of days. I go back in Friday to see if my HcG has started to drop.

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML

There is a reason...

Not a good one, but definitely a reason that I haven't wanted to get on here and update. Its because I'm scared SHITLESS! So I went to the dr last Monday, I love him by the way. He ordered another beta: 1777, it doubled but over 5 days...he said that was ok still. I also was ordered an u/s to see what was going on. At this point it is a guess to how far along I was/am. I am thinking 6 weeks as of yesterday per my blood test on 7/20. Based on when I bled last month, they guesstimate 7 weeks.

But, they couldn't see anything on the u/s, not a sac, not nothing! So.... I either tested way early and it isn't there yet, or I may possibly have an ectopic pregnancy. I am ordered for another u/s on Monday to see if there is anything there or if they need to look further to my tubes. However, I think this is strange because she caught pics of my ovaries so I would think if there was a mass in my tubes she whould have saw it?!? JMO. Anyway, the doc said that my numbers are raising and pretty normally and that they are in normal range so therefore he knows there should be something there, but not sure where.....

So that is my update... I'm pregnant but don't really know where the little shit is. Oh and I have been spotting for a week now, only when I wipe and it is mostly a brownish color, but still there. I am also on Prog 3 times a day now too..

final Beta

So yesterday's numbers:

HCG: 815
Progesterone: 6.8

My progesterone isn't going up much, I'm praying they will double my dose or something. My hcg didn't quite double but it wasn't quite 3 days so I'm still within norms there. I'm still worried though and this didn't help.

*update*

I called my original doc office and asked very nicely for them to put my worries at ease with one more HCG and a progesterone test to make sure it is doing its job. They obliged. I went in and will have results tomorrow after 9:00 mtn time. I'm still keeping my appt at the other office though.

Worry is setting in...

I started spotting this morning, only when wiping, but still spotting. I made an appt with a new dr for Monday, Aug 1st. I do know that at this appt, they probably won't be doing an u/s, they don't tend to do that until the 2nd appt. Part of me wants to go to the flippin ER just to see what is going on, but it is too pricey...I feel like I don't get 'personalized' care at the clinic I'm going to now.

I am still taking 200 mg of Progesterone and I actually asked the nurse if I should take more because of my weight and how low it initially was and they weren't willing, nor are they willing to retest the progesterone.

So now I am worrying that this will end up like last November. Numbers were good initially for HCG and progesterone was low, then the spotting didn't set in for weeks. I'm worried and its all I think about.

Yesterdays Results

439!!!!!!!!!

So,
7/20 - 89
7/22 - 185
7/25 - 439

Beta #2

185. After 47.5 hrs, it doubled plus 7. I did another today but won't know my results until tomorrow. My symptoms aren't thee though so I'm worried about this progesterone.

I caved....

I couldn't stand not knowing. I went yesterday for a Beta and Progesterone level...

HcG: 89
Progesterone: only 4.8...

Now, do I heed the doctor advice and take my Progesterone?  I think I have to so that I know I did everything I was supposed to in order to stay KU. I am glad to know my number is higher than 50, but I wish it was higher...

***Have any of you that have had successful Pregnancies started out with a very low Progesterone #? I started really low last November too and that resulted in a blighted ovum.... Just wondering?***

You are NOT going to believe this! *trigs*

I know I disappeared for the month, but I was emotionally unwell, especially with the 2nd m/c in 6 mos thing hanging over my head.
Caution: TMI ahead, not for the queasy. Fast forward to today or rather this weekend. All of last week I felt physically and mentally drained. I blamed it on PMS as I started a little spot on Wednesday. Usually I spot for a day then it goes away and AF shows a couple days later. This didn't happen. I have been spotting off/on since Wednesday, usually only when I wipe after using the RR. After FD'ing with DH I thought for sure I had started as a little more was there. Well, nothing happened, and still only spotting after RR. I decided Saturday night to go to the dollar store and take a cheapie. There was a line. Good thing I'm smart and bought 2. Sunday morning, a darker line. I guess I have no problem getting KU, its staying KU that is the problem. I am still spotting and not holding out hope yet.

I have no drive to call the doc for a blood test because I can't take the stress of it. So, I have decided to let things ride and have no worries (you know, like a normal person) and if I stay pregnant, it was meant to be. I am going to act like I did when I was KU with my DS and DD and call and make a doc appt for 8 weeks and hope I make it that long. I am not going to be going in for bloodwork to make myself sick over. And, honestly, I am not sold on the idea of Progesterone either as it didn't do anything for me. I am going to let things happen and pray to the Lord that I don't have to go through another m/c because 3 in less than 8 months is just not a place that I can be.

I don't know if I can really do what I just wrote, but I am going to try.

Who opened the gates?

"Who opened the gates?" A saying that I remember my mom using quite often as we drove around town in a swarm of traffic.

Now, this saying gives a whole new meaning. I suppose that my m/c is commencing as I'm asking the Lord and Mother Nature, "Who opened the gates?" I was lucky enough last December to have a D&C to take care of things and had only light bleeding for a day. This time, however, I'm begging for mercy. I can guarantee you that the progesterone must have been doing its job and making my lining nice and thick....too bad a baby won't be able to enjoy that cushion!

I'm having a Pity Me day, I'm entitled to since I'm bleeding so heavily that I actually had to ask my husband (who is amazing) to come rescue me by bringing my extra clothing and products because apparantly SUPER PLUS really means, "CAN'T HANDLE LOSING BABIES" and I've soaked through and leaked in pants and office chair. Good thing I found a brown sweater in the lost & found to sit on for the rest of the day!

Hope you all have a DRY day...

not good.......

They did another beta yesterday - 367

One week only up 70% for 7 days, didn't even double. FML

She can't do an u/s because they can't see anything when levels are under 1,000 and also my insurance doesn't cover it.... So now, I stop progesterone and wait...

Again... FML!

Not looking good

Yesterdays Beta:
224

Doubled, but at the rate of a little more than 4 days....not good.... I wonder if my taking progesterone is just making it so that I don't just start the bleeding for a m/c. The nurse really didn't tell me anything and I was just out of a meeting so I need to call back and get a plan. Wow.. this just sucks not knowing and pretty much acknowledging that this is yet another m/c.

Inevitable...yes, still *trigs*

So, I went to my PCP yesterday to followup on the meds he put me on last month. He is the doc that originally ordered my first 2 blood tests 2 weeks ago...the ones that were 6 & 16. Anyway, he asked how things were going. I told him that I really didn't know and that I had another beta scheduled for Monday.

And, since you know how I am, you probably already figured I couldn't wait that long, so I asked him about doing one while I was there. He ordered one for me yesterday so that I didn't go bonkers in the meantime.... The number: 99, up from 57 on Monday, but only went up 75% over the 3 days. So I don't know anything knew, but for now I am happy to see it rise.

There really isn't much that I can find googling that shows this might lead to a success story. Reality part of my brain tells me that this is probably not viable and I shouldn't get too attached, but.... I've been attached since I saw the 2nd line on the test clear back when it came back at only 6! Guess FRER really does read that well! I'm not bleeding/spotting as of now. I did bleed for about  3-4 days last week, almost like a light/medium AF, but then nothing, and I have had nothing since.

I'm sorry my posts have only been about this, but because I really want to document all pregnancies (even m/c), I really need to put this on here so that if I have similar situations, I will know what to look forward to. Thank you again for your friendship and support!

**UPDATE** Called the dr office when I realized Monday is a holiday and they are closed, so I won't be going in until Tuesday... Good thing my PCP put me at ease yesterday...

Small again

It raised to 57 so still not doubling but rising. My doctor is convinced its not viable. She is ordering another beta for next Monday to see if it goes up anymore and look at the possibility that I was just extremely early when I found out. When I put in the 6 from my first beta til the 57 on Monday in the H.c.G. calc.ulator that I found, it shows my doubling time is 3.1 days, which is considered normal.. But the numbers are small. I don't know what to think. I just have to wait it out. Thank you for your comments/support. You ladies are so incredible!

madness....trigs

So to follow up yesterday... My doctor wants me to go back in on Monday. Pretty much its either I'm bleeding and m/c or we just have to wait until I can raise my numbers. Just for giggles, I took a dollar test this morning.. None of my tests have had more than a faint shadowy line, but this morning, this is what I saw... I must also mention that the tests are different now. They used to be in a pink box and now they are in a purple one...but the information on them is all the same. I didn't even get this dark on a FRER in the last week.