Warning, possible trigs...Adoption talk..
I read Misty's blog yesterday and it really got me thinking about adoption and how everyone feels differently. It talked about her and her DH and their struggles regarding the choice to move on childless or onto adoption. It got me thinking. I am not in the same situation, for I was very fortunate to have children with my first husband. But this post prompted me to talk to my husband on a deep level about adoption. I have never considered it for us because if the whole TTC issue doesn't work for us, I always felt grateful for what I have and can deal with it. Well, it turns out that my husband, in certain circumstances feels different.
I asked him in a way, why men do have a harder time with adoption. Suprisingly, he didn't say that it was because he didn't think he could love the child as his own. His answer? He would be afraid of the birth parents coming back into the childs life and want them back. That is a very valid fear. I wonder if it is a fear behind a fear that many of our DH's have and they don't express. He also said that he would want to adopt a baby, not a child...which I can also see his reasons for. I think that we are all different in our reasons for wanting/not wanting to adopt.
What do you guys think? Have you had the 'adoption' talk with your spouse? I have to admit that I was very surprised to hear my husband say he would be willing to adopt if we had the means to do so. He even told me he wishes that we were well to do so that we could adopt as many from Haiti as possible. I saw my husband in a new light. I LOVE HIM so much, and this is just one of the reasons.
PS. Misty, I hope this doesn't step on your toes, I just loved your post and pray that you and your DH find comfort in whatever decision you make!
7 comments:
No worries girl! I know that DH has that same fear, I just wish he could get past that. If only he could meet a family with adoptive kids and see that adopted children are not that diff from your biological children.
This too was one of my hubbys fears also. Again, adoption is such a personal issue. Everyone has their own reasons and I respect my hubbys reasons. I can't change them.
It is definitely different for everyone.
I will never forget my friend talking to me before I had miscarriages. She was talking about her brother and wife who were TTC and couldn't get pregnant. They had done an IVF cycle and it had failed. She had said they needed to just adopt. I turned around and said well maybe adoption just isn't for them. She said "I think anyone who can't adopt for fear of not loving that child is horrible. Just horrible."
And I just thought, yeah it is, but at least they are being honest and adoption just isn't for everyone.
It definitely takes a very special person to be able to adopt.
I also think fear is normal as there is no genetic link coercing you to love that child.
If I couldn't have children I would definitely adopt or do donor...Me and my husband had a talk or two about donor sperm but he would just look at me with that look..
Josh is totally for adoption and we've talked about if we want another baby if we'll adopt or have our own. The only thing that worried him was that the baby wouldn't look like us and that it would bring unwanted questions but other than that he was for it.
My dh is not for it at all. He told me he doesn't want a "crack baby" (because too many are born to drug-addicted mothers). He just is not open to the idea. It took him forever to even try for a biological baby, but if that never works out, I think we will be childfree.
He's never given me any solid answers as to why he doesn't want to. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing and a way to protect me.
I was going to post a response, but realized I had so much to say. I think I'll write a post about adoption too. Stay tuned... lol
Great post Tanya! So glad that you and your husband were able to communicate your feelings about adoptions! I can understand the positives and negatives, and it is a very personal choice. One of my family members did international adoption and it turned out wonderfully. I'm sure there are good and bad experiences, just as there are with biologically children. Very thought provoking post!
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