More Beginnings

I have had a very heavy heart most of my life. I have 2 seperate families as my mother and father divorced when I was a baby. I have alway felt that when I was with each family that I couldn't really talk about or love the other family while in their presence. I grew up always feeling like I didn't know where I belonged because I felt like I only 1/2 belonged to each side.

When I was 15 years old I moved in with my dad during the summer. That summer he met and married his current wife who had 4 kids. After she and her kids moved in, I had a friend that I snuck out to be with one night at the advice of my older step sister who in turn went and woke up my dad and told him. Things got crazy and I went back to live with my mom. They never spoke to me again. They moved to Kentucky. It wasn't until I had my 2 children that we let each other back in each others lives. I whole heartedly gave my all to try and make the relationship work. When I moved to Alabama to be with my husband something changed. We no longer really kept as good track anymore. But we were on each others face.book and I still felt I could get in contact if needed. Well, everyday I'm hurt because I see their comments to my step-mom's kids and how they are and I have made numerous posts and messages without anything in return.

As part of my NEW BEGINNINGS, I'm letting go of things that don't benefit me, my kids or my life. I deleted them off of my facebook, all of them. I actually did a pretty big overhaul and deleted all the 'friends' on my facebook that I just added because I knew them. I only left people that I care about and actually comment and follow on. I'm tired of having this heavy burden on my heart and in my life and I just hope and pray that I wasn't hasty and made the right decision. I have been thinking about it for a very long time.

New Beginnings

Its time that I look at my current situation as a "New Beginning".  I have the opportunity to do many things and I have a very supportive husband to stand with me not in front or behind me. I decided no more BCPs for me, they made me crazy sick and moody and just YUCKY! Also, I decided that the only reason I was taking them was so that the endo wouldn't hurt so bad, YEAH DIDN'T HELP...so, I'm just going it alone and I'm not worried about an accidental pregnancy because we are still in the TTC family and any surprise would be welcome even if it is highly doubtful.

To celebrate my New Beginning, I decided to get my haircut so I would stop just putting it in the same old ponytail. I wanted something about shoulder length with long layers as I have alot of hair and didn't want to look like I had a football helmet for a head. I also didn't want to go too short because of my size and the shape of my face. As you can see by the pics, the stylist got a little scissor happy, but its ok, hopefully it will grow out a little soon. I'm ok with it, even though it isn't exactly what I wanted. I'm seeing the positive in it, can you tell? Score one for optimism.

I left the salon and came home and just did a little scrunch style as I had to run errands yesterday. I do like that I will be able to just scrunch or do a little flip up or straight action and can make it work. Man, I can't wait until it grows out just a little...

Bright and Early Monday

Well, maybe its not bright, but its definitely early, 3:41 a.m. to be exact. The only thing that makes it "ok" for me to be up this early is to know that we are extremely lucky for Wendell to have found a good job and be working so fast after moving here. He started out working 9 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday, this week begins the 10 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday. I am thankful there is work and for my hard-working husband, I love him very much!

But, yes there is a BUT. But, I feel so low. I am not working right now. I am starting to feel like I'm not doing enough. He is working his butt off and I'm at home. He is so loving and supportive and keeps telling me that he wants me to be at home if thats what I want. I do want that, plus work something part time while the kids are in school. But my guilt comes from knowing that as we are starting all over here in UT, things are tighter and we are having to work our way back in. He is working through a temp service for a few more weeks until actually being hired through the company and getting better pay. Granted I know that this overtime is required and he isn't volunteering just to support us, I feel really guilty. I've never been in the situation where I wasn't contributing something financially to the family and I'm now there and its hard for me.

Sorry, maybe I'm rambling for the lack of sleep or something, but this has been weighing on me alot and had to get it out.

Copy Cat

So, I'm copying this from Angie's Blog. I did realize that there is no #11, so I'm making one up to put in there!

Rules:
You.

Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.

Here goes....


1. Yourself: WORRIER
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend husband: BEST
3. Your hair: BLECHT
4. Your mother/stepmother: HEADSTRONG
5. Your dog: GONE :(
6. Your favorite item: LAPTOP
7. Your dream last night: VIVID
8. Your favorite drink:  COKE
9. Your dream car: SUV
10. The room you are in: LIVING
11. Your home: MINE
12. Your fear: MONEY
13. What you want to be in 10 years: HAPPY
14. Who you hung out with last night: FAMILY
15. What you’re not: SKINNY
16. Muffin: BANANANUT
17: One of your wish list items: BABY
18: Time: 8
19. The last thing you did: TALK
20. What you are wearing: COMFY
21. Your favorite weather: CALM
22. Your favorite book: HAPPY
23. The last thing you ate: QUESADILLA
24. Your life: CRAZY
25. Your mood: VARIES
26. Your best friend(S): LOYAL
27. What are you thinking about right now? THIS
28. Your car: MERCURY
29. What are you doing at the moment?: TYPING
30. Your summer: FUN
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV?: NOTHING
33. What is the weather like?: COOL
34. When is the last time you laughed?: YESTERDAY

CD1 for me....

So this month was the 1st month on BCPs and it was HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had spotting from day 12 through 24. I have had spotting since Saturday night, I was thinking that it was AF since all active pills were gone but found out different today. I have had a headache for a month and for the last 4 days it has been at a Migraine level. I have had recurrent Diarrhea for the last 4 days thanks to my Endo. And CRAMPS up the ASS for the last week!

All that and this is just the Damn beginning, apparently all of that was just the PMS and now, now I am experiencing the Bitch!

I am sorry for all the profanity in this post, but I am pretty miserable and I am wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am in between insurance since we just moved and it will probably be a couple months before we are eligible. I won't be taking BCPs after AF leaves though. My body actually treats me better without it and I thought that was bad.

Good, Bad, the Ugly

The Good:
*Finally, back online! We arrived in UT at 2:00am on 3/23 but had to wait a week to get internet.
*Wendell is already working, through a temp agency, but hoping it will turn into permanent.
*Kids transitioned well into school.
*Everything seems to be just "working out" with no real effort, like this is meant to be!

The Bad:
*Money is going to be tight for a few months as we used alot coming back home, its expensive to move down the street let alone across country.
*We bought a truck pretty cheap but poured almost $500 into it so that it runs good now.
*Having a hard time licensing said truck as the owner was assigned as a company split up but his name is not on the title, so now having to get documentation that said owner is owner!

The Ugly:
*I have been on BCP's for 2 weeks now and I have been bleeding off/on everyday for the last week!
*Due to circumstances, we decided its best to TAB for awhile.
*I am having a really hard time sleeping and feeling "well", I am a worry-wart and I am constantly going over how things will ever work out even though they seem to be doing fine.

I missed you ladies, I'm trying to update myself on blogs but it will take me awhile!

Manic Monday

Yes, it is Just another Manic Monday!! The time change is taking a toll on me, too bad AF beat it to the punch. She is being awful. I want to thank all of you wonderful people who read and comment on my blog, I always feel your support and you are great friends!

I had to give my dog away today, it is harder than dealing with AF right now! She was a full blooded pit and we couldn't take her with us because they wouldn't allow her in the park we are moving to and also in UT they make you buy insurance on your dog when you have a pitbull. It broke my heart, but we gave her to my husband's grandmother. She couldn't be in a better place. Her husband is now in a nursing home and she was thinking about getting a dog and now she has a very loveable companion.

I do think that I had an early miscarriage. I would have been 5 1/2 weeks. I didn't get diagnosed by a doctor, but with all the faint positives that turned into negatives at the end, I would guess so. And even if I'm wrong and I wasn't, there is a part of me that would testify that even thinking you are pregnant only to find out you aren't can be as devastating as a m/c. The hope is still there and so is the heartache. I know its sad, but I'm ok and I'm at terms with it. Its sad that I have grown numb to certain things. My heart is breaking but my head says its reality. I have had 2 confirmed m/c's in the last 2 years and if that is what this was (I'm counting it as such), this makes 3. I will now be on BCP for the next few months until we get established back home, I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of 6 months.

My little boy will be 10 on Wednesday. I can't believe it! Time has flown so fast! He is so big! He has been helping me alot with all the packing. We are almost done. We are going to have a busy week. Thursday we leave for S.C. and won't be back til late Friday, its my step-son's basic training graduation. Then Saturday we will be loading the Uhaul so we can leave early Sunday (around 4a.m.).

I don't know how often I'll make it on here but I wanted to let you all know that you are the greatest friends and supporters and I'm thankful for each of you! Hopefully we will get our internet on quickly once we get there.