Singin "AF STAY AWAY" *trigs

When I got KU with my DD, things weren't just that easy even 8 yrs ago. I had an early m/c at 6 wks and about 3 wks after that I went to the hospital thinking that I had a UTI or something and they told me I was KU. I told them that I had just had a m/c, and they said "this isn't the same one, your levels are way too high" so, I was KU...hadn't even had AF...

Fast forward to this month, I am soooo hopeful that I am KU that I just can't help to think maybe history will repeat itself. Since 3DPO I have had AWFUL boobie pain, I have never got this before, except when KU. I have also been getting real bad indigestion since about 6dpo, not necessarily a new thing but I've never gotten heartburn repeatedly for days. Now I am 9dpo and I'm worried I'm setting myself up. What if these are just AF symptoms. So I'm starting the dance and I'm not gonna stop dancing...."AF STAY AWAY, go haunt some teenage girl today". I'm hoping it works, but here is the kicker.... I am a POAS aholic and have been POAS for 3 days, now I know I'm gonna get a BFN, but I do it anyway, and now I'm major depressed.....

Well, here is some Baby Dust to pass around....

Having a Hard Time

I am contemplating leaving the boards on WebMD. And in all reality, it is probably a dumb reason for me to leave, but my feelings are really hurt. Well, maybe not my feelings, but definitely my Pride. I had a huge problem with the recent adoption post on the TTC boards and more problem with the 6 month board saying to send them to the 12 month board because we could use it more. Like just because we have been trying longer we should give up hope on TTC and break down to adopt cause we are broken and shouldn't think with hope and faith. I mean, like a fellow TTC'er said, we are probably trying more now than ever, using meds, injections, procedures and surgeries...why do they think we would do this and want women who are unhappy just post about WHO WANTS MY BABY?

So, me being me, wrote a reply as a lurker on the 6 mos board and apparently it was too personal to the poster and not the topic at hand. I don't really understand that since I was giving my opinion on why it wouldn't be appropriate and that it wouldn't be any more appropriate on the 12mos board than the 6 mos. Whatever, that's fine. But if my post is offensive and can be removed. Why can I report the original post that seemed way more offensive towards everyone, but yet its still there.

So I went on to the 1st trimester board and one of the ladies that hasn't gotten happy about being preggo yet replied to the poster about how it really hurt her feelings because it made her feel guilty and like she was being talked about. She also said she wasn't planning on abortion or adoption, just that this was unplanned and she hasn't gotten "happy" about it yet... I truly understand that and feel bad that it hurt her as a preg woman as much as it would hurt us TTC for someone to post WHO WANTS MY BABY...but again, the post is still there.

I love WebMD because I feel close to the women, but I think for now I am just gonna have to follow blogs for those that have them...

Just another thing to worry about....

So, I did my OPKs this month and I got my 1st ++ on Thursday. Well, my temp did in fact jump on Saturday morning. FF confirmed my O date. Weird thing is even last night, I still got a ++ on OPK. I did a little research and it said that women with PCOS get ++ a lot because they have LH in them consistently.

But I don't get cysts, and I clearly ovulated since temp shift and CM differences confirmed. So now, since I have read that, I have been paranoid thinking maybe that is just another thing I can add to the list of excuses of why I'm not getting KU. My dr did an ultrasound about 4 years ago thinking I had PCOS but I didn't have the grapelike cysts, I only get one here and there. She said that some women with PCOS don't always get the clusters and the only sure fire way of diagnosing is the blood work. But at the time my insurance wouldn't pay for it because the ultrasound came back normal. Out of Sight, Out of Mind....that is until now, when I start obsessing about every little thing that tells me I'm a woman!

I still think that it is some wierd fluke that I have gotten the continued ++ because I read a lot of stories about this happening to women using the A.ns.wer brand. I no longer have any strips, which might be good since I would probably be going nuts POAS whenever I got the chance.... Oh, Lord help me! I think I've gone crazy!!! Isn't endo, fibroids, and hpv enough aside from the fact that I'm overweight. Well, better go for now so I can go obsess and research what's wrong with me a little more.. ;}

I Refuse To Get Down

Especially after I posted how well I was handling this m/c. I refuse to let myself get down today. I woke up, did BBT, and ever since can't stop thinking about TTC. I know that I have let TTC consume my life and it usually isn't a problem...but today, everyone that I love on the boards seems to be getting bad news, BFN's or just woke up really down in the dumps today. I wish there were something I could do or say to make it a better day for all of us. Why do we put ourselves through this mess?

Because everyone of us are good people and would be great mothers-THAT's why. This is a challenge post to get you to think of 3 things that you love about yourself, or that you do well!

1. I am very dependable! You can count on me!
2. I try to see the positive no matter how much negative surrounds me. (This can be annoying to others).
3. I'm still here, so I must be ok...right? Nobody's tried to "do away" with me.

I love you all hope that you wake up tomorrow to a better day!

A-Z About Me..

I know, I'm a copycat, but I saw this on another blog and thought it looked fun!

A - Age: 28, almost 29
B - Bed size: Full size.
C - Chore you hate: Dishes
D - Dad's Name: Doug
E - Essential start your day item: Toothbrush
F - Favorite food: Italian
G - Gold or Silver: White Gold so it looks silver...:)
H - Height: 5' 5-3/4"
I - Instruments you play(ed): Violin in 7th Grade. Guitar on Guitar Hero, does that count?
J - Job title: Stay at Home Mom, most recently Medical Biller
K - Kid(s): 2 biological younger children, 2 adult step children, 1 grandbaby
L - Living arrangements: 3 Bedroom Home out in country
M - Moms name : Tracie
N - Nicknames: BabyDoll, Giggles, Beans when I was little
O - Overnight hospital stay: Baby Deliveries
P - Pet Peeve: Talking with mouth full of food, Smacking Gum, Ignorant people, I could go on..
Q - Quotes you like: "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Done Unto You "
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: None
T - Time you wake up: About 6
U - Undying love for: my husband & children
V - Vegetable you dislike: Cooked carrots. I like them raw, but not cooked
W - Ways you run late: lose my keys or can't find my shoes
X- X-rays you've had: teeth, hand... guess I'm more of an ultrasound girl
Y - Yummy food you make: Homemade BBQ Pulled Pork, Chili
Z - Zodiac: Leo

This is gonna sound crazy...

But I feel like I have handled this whole miscarriage better than the BFN's I usually get on a normal cycle. Don't get me wrong, I was a mess last week, but I think that I'm ok. And I'm just ready to move forward. It didn't seem to take me as long to accept it this time and I wonder if it is partly because I kept telling myself out of all the months, this month I felt it the least. I think that it didn't hurt that I had so much support from my WebMd friends.

My husband missed one of the meetings at the fire station when he took me to the ER and we saw the Assistant Chief yesterday and he asked me if I was ok. At first, I didn't know why he was asking so I was like, Yeah I'm fine. Then he said, "Are you sure cause W said he had to take you to the ER." Before I knew what I was doing I just blurted out, "I had a miscarriage." I never would have shared this type of info with anyone other than the board. I still don't know why I did, but in my heart I felt like saying it lifted something off my shoulders. When I told my DH about it, he was kind of surprised I said something too cause I usually try to keep it private. Like I said before, this has been one of them times that just seem Surreal and like it didn't really happen so it made it easier to accept. One of them times that someone might have gotten away with saying something like, "It wasn't meant to be" and I might not wanted to punch them as bad... :)

Bye Bye Little One

Beta for this morning: 4
So I'm officially and clinically noviable pregnancy and miscarried.

Not sure what to expect now. I haven't really had a very HEAVY flow and no clots thus far. I started bleeding Tuesday but it was light. Wednesday and Thursday was a little more and yesterday a little lighter. Today, mainly spotting with wipe. I don't know if this means I'm done, or if this is just the beginning and I don't know what to expect. I have miscarried before but I don't really remember what the flow was like, but I remember cramping. My normal average period is probably 3 times this...

So now, I'm just praying that was it so we can move on.