About 3 months ago, I posted about a friend that passed. Not a day goes without something happening to make me think about her. Today the school bus was really late so I decided to drive the kids to school since I didn't want them to miss out on breakfast. On the way back home, I approached the sub-division that she lived in. I turned in, I didn't even remember where she lived for sure, but I had an idea. I went past a house that I was sure was her's, even though it turns out her's was next to. Anyway, I have no idea why I went to the house, on my way home I could do nothing but think about her and talk out loud to her. I came home and texted another friend of ours and she told me about this song she can no longer listen too. It is beautiful and I can't find anything more fitting. It is by Al.an Jack.son.
Sis.sy Song
Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I've thought about this alot...
and I really don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to be a triggery to anyone. If you are in a bad TTC frame of mind right now, or feeling pretty hopeless, you may not want to read further.
I have several friends on here that don't have a child yet. They are struggling with IF and the hurt that it causes everyday. One of the things that causes hurt or trigger pain is the celebration of Mother's Day. I understand the pain that it could cause. I am very fortunate not to feel the whole affect, but I understand. I want my friends who are not mothers yet know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. And to me.....
You ARE a mother! This day is just as much about you as it is me. You may not have physical children but you are more of a mother than many that I know. You were born with motherly instinct and you are a mother. I love you dearly and so will many heaven children if you don't happen to have them here on this earth. I believe that even if you aren't a mother yet and may not be on this earth, you will prevail in Heaven. To me a mother isn't just any woman who has a child, it is a state of mind. It is a woman with a loving, kind, caring soul that helps others by teaching them and being there...guess what, That is you!
I have several friends on here that don't have a child yet. They are struggling with IF and the hurt that it causes everyday. One of the things that causes hurt or trigger pain is the celebration of Mother's Day. I understand the pain that it could cause. I am very fortunate not to feel the whole affect, but I understand. I want my friends who are not mothers yet know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. And to me.....
You ARE a mother! This day is just as much about you as it is me. You may not have physical children but you are more of a mother than many that I know. You were born with motherly instinct and you are a mother. I love you dearly and so will many heaven children if you don't happen to have them here on this earth. I believe that even if you aren't a mother yet and may not be on this earth, you will prevail in Heaven. To me a mother isn't just any woman who has a child, it is a state of mind. It is a woman with a loving, kind, caring soul that helps others by teaching them and being there...guess what, That is you!
Friday, April 23, 2010
More Beginnings
I have had a very heavy heart most of my life. I have 2 seperate families as my mother and father divorced when I was a baby. I have alway felt that when I was with each family that I couldn't really talk about or love the other family while in their presence. I grew up always feeling like I didn't know where I belonged because I felt like I only 1/2 belonged to each side.
When I was 15 years old I moved in with my dad during the summer. That summer he met and married his current wife who had 4 kids. After she and her kids moved in, I had a friend that I snuck out to be with one night at the advice of my older step sister who in turn went and woke up my dad and told him. Things got crazy and I went back to live with my mom. They never spoke to me again. They moved to Kentucky. It wasn't until I had my 2 children that we let each other back in each others lives. I whole heartedly gave my all to try and make the relationship work. When I moved to Alabama to be with my husband something changed. We no longer really kept as good track anymore. But we were on each others face.book and I still felt I could get in contact if needed. Well, everyday I'm hurt because I see their comments to my step-mom's kids and how they are and I have made numerous posts and messages without anything in return.
As part of my NEW BEGINNINGS, I'm letting go of things that don't benefit me, my kids or my life. I deleted them off of my facebook, all of them. I actually did a pretty big overhaul and deleted all the 'friends' on my facebook that I just added because I knew them. I only left people that I care about and actually comment and follow on. I'm tired of having this heavy burden on my heart and in my life and I just hope and pray that I wasn't hasty and made the right decision. I have been thinking about it for a very long time.
When I was 15 years old I moved in with my dad during the summer. That summer he met and married his current wife who had 4 kids. After she and her kids moved in, I had a friend that I snuck out to be with one night at the advice of my older step sister who in turn went and woke up my dad and told him. Things got crazy and I went back to live with my mom. They never spoke to me again. They moved to Kentucky. It wasn't until I had my 2 children that we let each other back in each others lives. I whole heartedly gave my all to try and make the relationship work. When I moved to Alabama to be with my husband something changed. We no longer really kept as good track anymore. But we were on each others face.book and I still felt I could get in contact if needed. Well, everyday I'm hurt because I see their comments to my step-mom's kids and how they are and I have made numerous posts and messages without anything in return.
As part of my NEW BEGINNINGS, I'm letting go of things that don't benefit me, my kids or my life. I deleted them off of my facebook, all of them. I actually did a pretty big overhaul and deleted all the 'friends' on my facebook that I just added because I knew them. I only left people that I care about and actually comment and follow on. I'm tired of having this heavy burden on my heart and in my life and I just hope and pray that I wasn't hasty and made the right decision. I have been thinking about it for a very long time.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
New Beginnings
Its time that I look at my current situation as a "New Beginning". I have the opportunity to do many things and I have a very supportive husband to stand with me not in front or behind me. I decided no more BCPs for me, they made me crazy sick and moody and just YUCKY! Also, I decided that the only reason I was taking them was so that the endo wouldn't hurt so bad, YEAH DIDN'T HELP...so, I'm just going it alone and I'm not worried about an accidental pregnancy because we are still in the TTC family and any surprise would be welcome even if it is highly doubtful.
To celebrate my New Beginning, I decided to get my haircut so I would stop just putting it in the same old ponytail. I wanted something about shoulder length with long layers as I have alot of hair and didn't want to look like I had a football helmet for a head. I also didn't want to go too short because of my size and the shape of my face. As you can see by the pics, the stylist got a little scissor happy, but its ok, hopefully it will grow out a little soon. I'm ok with it, even though it isn't exactly what I wanted. I'm seeing the positive in it, can you tell? Score one for optimism.
I left the salon and came home and just did a little scrunch style as I had to run errands yesterday. I do like that I will be able to just scrunch or do a little flip up or straight action and can make it work. Man, I can't wait until it grows out just a little...
To celebrate my New Beginning, I decided to get my haircut so I would stop just putting it in the same old ponytail. I wanted something about shoulder length with long layers as I have alot of hair and didn't want to look like I had a football helmet for a head. I also didn't want to go too short because of my size and the shape of my face. As you can see by the pics, the stylist got a little scissor happy, but its ok, hopefully it will grow out a little soon. I'm ok with it, even though it isn't exactly what I wanted. I'm seeing the positive in it, can you tell? Score one for optimism.
I left the salon and came home and just did a little scrunch style as I had to run errands yesterday. I do like that I will be able to just scrunch or do a little flip up or straight action and can make it work. Man, I can't wait until it grows out just a little...
Monday, April 19, 2010
Bright and Early Monday
Well, maybe its not bright, but its definitely early, 3:41 a.m. to be exact. The only thing that makes it "ok" for me to be up this early is to know that we are extremely lucky for Wendell to have found a good job and be working so fast after moving here. He started out working 9 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday, this week begins the 10 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday. I am thankful there is work and for my hard-working husband, I love him very much!
But, yes there is a BUT. But, I feel so low. I am not working right now. I am starting to feel like I'm not doing enough. He is working his butt off and I'm at home. He is so loving and supportive and keeps telling me that he wants me to be at home if thats what I want. I do want that, plus work something part time while the kids are in school. But my guilt comes from knowing that as we are starting all over here in UT, things are tighter and we are having to work our way back in. He is working through a temp service for a few more weeks until actually being hired through the company and getting better pay. Granted I know that this overtime is required and he isn't volunteering just to support us, I feel really guilty. I've never been in the situation where I wasn't contributing something financially to the family and I'm now there and its hard for me.
Sorry, maybe I'm rambling for the lack of sleep or something, but this has been weighing on me alot and had to get it out.
But, yes there is a BUT. But, I feel so low. I am not working right now. I am starting to feel like I'm not doing enough. He is working his butt off and I'm at home. He is so loving and supportive and keeps telling me that he wants me to be at home if thats what I want. I do want that, plus work something part time while the kids are in school. But my guilt comes from knowing that as we are starting all over here in UT, things are tighter and we are having to work our way back in. He is working through a temp service for a few more weeks until actually being hired through the company and getting better pay. Granted I know that this overtime is required and he isn't volunteering just to support us, I feel really guilty. I've never been in the situation where I wasn't contributing something financially to the family and I'm now there and its hard for me.
Sorry, maybe I'm rambling for the lack of sleep or something, but this has been weighing on me alot and had to get it out.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Copy Cat
So, I'm copying this from Angie's Blog. I did realize that there is no #11, so I'm making one up to put in there!
Rules:
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.
Here goes....
1. Yourself: WORRIER
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend husband: BEST
3. Your hair: BLECHT
4. Your mother/stepmother: HEADSTRONG
5. Your dog: GONE :(
6. Your favorite item: LAPTOP
7. Your dream last night: VIVID
8. Your favorite drink: COKE
9. Your dream car: SUV
10. The room you are in: LIVING
11. Your home: MINE
12. Your fear: MONEY
13. What you want to be in 10 years: HAPPY
14. Who you hung out with last night: FAMILY
15. What you’re not: SKINNY
16. Muffin: BANANANUT
17: One of your wish list items: BABY
18: Time: 8
19. The last thing you did: TALK
20. What you are wearing: COMFY
21. Your favorite weather: CALM
22. Your favorite book: HAPPY
23. The last thing you ate: QUESADILLA
24. Your life: CRAZY
25. Your mood: VARIES
26. Your best friend(S): LOYAL
27. What are you thinking about right now? THIS
28. Your car: MERCURY
29. What are you doing at the moment?: TYPING
30. Your summer: FUN
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV?: NOTHING
33. What is the weather like?: COOL
34. When is the last time you laughed?: YESTERDAY
Rules:
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.
Here goes....
1. Yourself: WORRIER
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend husband: BEST
3. Your hair: BLECHT
4. Your mother/stepmother: HEADSTRONG
5. Your dog: GONE :(
6. Your favorite item: LAPTOP
7. Your dream last night: VIVID
8. Your favorite drink: COKE
9. Your dream car: SUV
10. The room you are in: LIVING
11. Your home: MINE
12. Your fear: MONEY
13. What you want to be in 10 years: HAPPY
14. Who you hung out with last night: FAMILY
15. What you’re not: SKINNY
16. Muffin: BANANANUT
17: One of your wish list items: BABY
18: Time: 8
19. The last thing you did: TALK
20. What you are wearing: COMFY
21. Your favorite weather: CALM
22. Your favorite book: HAPPY
23. The last thing you ate: QUESADILLA
24. Your life: CRAZY
25. Your mood: VARIES
26. Your best friend(S): LOYAL
27. What are you thinking about right now? THIS
28. Your car: MERCURY
29. What are you doing at the moment?: TYPING
30. Your summer: FUN
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV?: NOTHING
33. What is the weather like?: COOL
34. When is the last time you laughed?: YESTERDAY
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
CD1 for me....
So this month was the 1st month on BCPs and it was HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had spotting from day 12 through 24. I have had spotting since Saturday night, I was thinking that it was AF since all active pills were gone but found out different today. I have had a headache for a month and for the last 4 days it has been at a Migraine level. I have had recurrent Diarrhea for the last 4 days thanks to my Endo. And CRAMPS up the ASS for the last week!
All that and this is just the Damn beginning, apparently all of that was just the PMS and now, now I am experiencing the Bitch!
I am sorry for all the profanity in this post, but I am pretty miserable and I am wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am in between insurance since we just moved and it will probably be a couple months before we are eligible. I won't be taking BCPs after AF leaves though. My body actually treats me better without it and I thought that was bad.
All that and this is just the Damn beginning, apparently all of that was just the PMS and now, now I am experiencing the Bitch!
I am sorry for all the profanity in this post, but I am pretty miserable and I am wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am in between insurance since we just moved and it will probably be a couple months before we are eligible. I won't be taking BCPs after AF leaves though. My body actually treats me better without it and I thought that was bad.
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