I've Been Dreading This.... (trigs)

I'm going through another m/c or more appropriate 'chemical pregnancy'. Positive HPT's, feeling some symptoms, more HPT's with fainter lines and yesterdays BPT with a value of 6... Yep, 6.

I've known this for a week and didn't really allow myself to blog about it because I thought being hopeful would jinx things again. Guess I didn't have to worry, the Man upstairs still has other plans for us. I really can't take much more...

My step-sister died on Monday, she was only a few years older than me and young children. She found out in January that she had Ovarian cancer and it was aggressive. I'm really thinking badly right now and feel like between IF and cancer and PCOS and Endo and all the little things....why not just go for the hysterectomy that I'm destined for.

O' Happy Day

**possible trig alert**

So, I wrote on here about a month ago about my DH adopting my 2 bio children. We received word today that our hearing is Monday, April 18th... We will be married exactly 3 years and 3 months on that day. March 1st was the first publication date. March 1st my divorce was also final. We had 3 publications with no response. Our hearing is with a judge on the 3rd floor. I am officially changing my lucky number from 6 to 3... Good things happen in 3's for us??

Done

I think I'm kind of over this blogging thing, probably because I'm trying to get over TTC and move on. I haven't seen results and we already hit the 3 year mark a few months ago and endo is coming back hard. I'm severly depressed and I'm not sure how to handle things right now. I'm sick, all of the time. I think that part of it is actual illness and part is the depression walking over me.

Death is nearing all around me. I have so many close family members that have recently been diagnosed with horrible things and don't have much time. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this. I don't sleep, I stay awake all hours of the night with anxiety about different things in life and I'm about to hit a breaking point. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow for a yearly visit, and I'm feeling I will address all of this with him.

I have to TAB from this blog for now. I haven't been updating but once a month anyway and I'm just not feeling it. I still read others daily and love and support all of you, but I feel like I have to be done with this to move on to a happier life.

Please know that I don't mean to make this post a complete downer and I am ok, I just have been recognizing some bad stuff that depression/anxiety has been doing to me lately and I wanna nip it in the butt before it gets out of control. If you ask me, it probably already has gotten out of control.

A to Z

I saw this on a couple of my blogger friends and since I suck at blogging lately, this should help me get a post down! Also, to Steph, I'm in Utah and that law and circumstances make me sick too! Oh and BTW, I am now certified as a sexual assault counselor in UT, I finished the classes on Saturday... YAY go me.

A. Age: 30

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you dislike: DISHES

D. Dogs: Curley, the pain in my butt!

E. Essential start to your day: hugging/kissing my DH and kids

F. Favorite color: Green mostly but purple is a close second

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'6"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Violin in Jr High (I couldn't now if I wanted to)

J. Job title: Food Program Coordinator

K. Kids: 2 natural and DH has 2 adult kids

L. Live: Utah

M. Mom’s name: Tracie

N. Nicknames: had many when I was little, not so many now

O. Overnight hospital stays: 2

P. Pet peeves: Ignorant People, People who are mean to their children

Q. Quote from a movie: As I type this, I can't think...but I quote movies all the time, it drives my DH nuts I'm sure.

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: 0, (I have step ones, but I don't count them)

T. Time you wake up: 4:15

U. Underwear: Granny panties. lol

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Creamed Corn, I do like other varieties of corn though.

W.What makes you run late: I am very anal about being early rather than on time, so this isn't a problem usually.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Most of the normal ones

Y. Yummy food you make: Depends on who you ask! :)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Any of the babies, I love the baby elephants.

Coincidence?

My divorce papers were signed by the judge on 2/28/07 and final on 3/1/07. Today it has been 4 years since I found that out. I got a call today that the notice of adoption/termination of parental rights will be in the L.A. Tim.es for the first time tomorrow, exactly 4 years from the finalization of the divorce. It will run tomorrow and then the 2 following Tuesdays. It is my understanding that he will have 30 days from tomorrow (the 1st run) to respond. Otherwise, we just get a court hearing to go before the judge to finalize things.

2 in a row

Last month, I gotta say, AF was not normal. I know that it was because it was the C that followed my D&C, but I also now that I haven't had a normal AF in almost 3 years. They have been a little spot here and there an then came the flood.

This month, I'm making progress. Sure my C was 41 days, but there was no spotting prior and wondering if this was AF or when she was coming. So technically, if I were a normal 28 day C girl, this would be my 3rd AF since the m/c, but I'm not quite normal, but still happy to have had 2. It means that my body is still partially working, and I still get hopeful.

I don't know why I'm always so hopeful. It hasn't really brought good. In fact, there are so many reasons I can think of to not be hopeful, but I'm ignoring them. I can't let IF win me or my emotions. I may not have control over this IF stuff, but I do control how I am going to react to it.

Adoption in the works...

Possible Trigs ahead.

vvvv
vvv
vv
v

Not the kind where me and DH are going to adopt a child, but the kind where the 2 children that I have from my previous marriage are being adopted by DH. There father is here illegally and since we broke up in Nov 2006 (divorce final in Mar 2007), he has seen them 1 time and sent a total of $200 for them. He has called in the past but not really talk with them (probably because his English is on a preschool level), and want to talk to me forever...which I didn't want nothing to do with. He has, in the last year, stopped all contact and when I have tried to contact him, he hasn't responded. My DH is my kids 'daddy' and they love him as he loves them. So the other day we went in for our initial appointment and got it started. I feel so lucky to be friends with an attorney that does family law. So the petition is being filed today and we have to serve him by publication. Since I have no idea what his address is, we just put it in any newpaper in the LA area for 3 weeks and he has 30 days from the 1st day published. Then we get a hearing to make things final. I hope it goes as smoothly as written.