I'm seeing RED!

Literally!
Dang AF!

Last Thursday I saw red, ended up being light spotting for a couple hours and nothing til today... will this follow suit? I'm thinking no since I have had cramps that actually woke me up this morning they were so bad. No I'm seeing red again and seems to be more than last week so probably going to be actual flow..

On another note, I went to another job interview this morning, this makes 9 in the last 2 months, yeah...didn't get the job. Surprise Surprise. Wanna know why?! Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. Last week they did an article about an office job for the city that had 140 applicants, some with freakin' masters degrees... That is how bad our economy is.. People with MASTERS DEGREES applying for entry level receptionist jobs! How am I supposed to compete with 140 applicants that are probably either equal or better qualified than me! So depressing. That means for every office job that I'm applying for, there is probably at least that many applying for the same one. I decided a couple days ago that if I didn't get a job by the time my kids started school, I'm going back to the trade school and really looking into a different field or trade.

Yuck!

I think I'm on around CD 24, not really sure with the wierd AF last month after 3 mos of not having one. Anyway, for the last week, I have been having severe lower back and both sided hip pain! I'm talking horrible bad, so bad that I've had to take a Lortab to sleep and I have a high pain tolerance thanks to Endo. I didn't even have drugs when having 2 children...thats how bad its hurt. Also, extreme (I don't use that word lightly) tiredness for the last 2 weeks also, I'm talking about the kind when you are in the middle of a conversation and almost nod off. And bad headaches to boot!

Well, last night, gush of bright red ickiness, one time only.. and now today, barely any spotting... so what gives? Has anyone else experienced this? Man TTC makes me feel so ignorant when it comes to my body. I feel like I know nothing!

Hope

I received this award from Sherry, thank you very much!!!

Here what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !

One thing I am happy about now is... I feel like even though we don't have alot of money and there always seems to be more than we can handle, somehow, me and DH always make it work and we are always ok... I guess that I owe that to an awesome God who loves us. I am also happy that the children I have get along so well, they hardly ever fight and have an incredible bond between them. I am also happy to have been able to spend this time home with them even though it has been stressful not having a job and more money.

One thing that I am hoping for the future is... Obviously since this is my TTC blog, I would hope for a very healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby... But besides that, I just hope for continued happiness. I have been to the lowest of low in my life over the past years, and I really just hope that with God's help I can see my blessings and feel thankful for them.


Now, Full of Hope, I nominate....

Leah (SIF)

Robin

Erin

Thanks again Sherry!

Hatin' IF & Feelin' the Pain of Others

These days there are plenty of reasons to get down in my life, but I am admittedly an optimistic. I have a never ending hope that everything will work out in time. Right now there are so many things going on in my life that I really haven't thought about the hatred I have towards IF, but it is there, it still consumes me on days.

I want to offer the deepest empathy and sympathy to a couple of fellow bloggers. Many days reading their blogs have lifted me up when down, but this past week, they have needed the lifting. I want them to know that I am praying for each of them and love them as much as I can in this blog world. I pray for comfort and peace to surround them and that they will have all the support they need to help them through such a difficult time. First there is Kitty, who is going through a m/c and whether you have been through that or not, the pain is indescribeable. And then there is S.I.F. (who I don't even know her 1st name?), but it doesn't matter because she went through a failed IVF cycle and her pain is as real as yours and mine. I want these ladies to know that we are here for them, so if you get a chance, please go give 'em some love and hugs.....

I love all you Ladies and want to thank you all for the support that you give me and I hate that we are going through this, but know that we have to keep Faith.

This is it....

I'm finally on CD 2 or 3. After a week of mild spotting, I'm finally having a regular or at least semi-regular AF. I am used to a much heavier and painful one, but hey, the fact that she is finally visiting...suits me. I just figured up the days since my last regular AF, this would be CD104... WHOA, more than 100 days.

In my mind right now, I am pretty much done TTC. There are so many things that life is throwing my way that TTC just doesn't fit in there. We have hit our 2 1/2 year mark and even though I know many more have made it way past this long ago, I'm finding that my faith had been diminishing little by little and I was becoming a person that I didn't necessarily like. My faith is getting stronger day by day and I don't want to lose it so it may just be easier to give up on this TTC plan. I haven't been blogging for this reason. I still follow my friends' blogs, but I just don't feel 'it' anymore. I'm sure I will change my mind on this in the near future so I am keeping my blog to remind me of all feelings and experiences. I will also be updating as those thoughts change my mind.

Much baby dust goes out to those needing it.

AF Update

The update is there is no AF.. WHAT???

Last night I was sick and went to the restroom and I thought that I had full blown AF, I used something which I changed before I went to bed and saw one big clot on it... Then this morning went to change again at 3:00a.m., yes I'm up that early, and nothing...not ONE drop. And as of now, still nothing....SO, am I on CD84, or was that AF???!!

There she blows

CD1

F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 83 days of no bleeding and getting hopes that last that whole time that I o'd and didn't know it and possibly could turn up preggers, AF rained on my parade again. My longest C in history to date.... I'm so messed up right now. I can't even cry because I'm so pissed! My insides feel like someone ripped them out and handed them to me.