These days there are plenty of reasons to get down in my life, but I am admittedly an optimistic. I have a never ending hope that everything will work out in time. Right now there are so many things going on in my life that I really haven't thought about the hatred I have towards IF, but it is there, it still consumes me on days.
I want to offer the deepest empathy and sympathy to a couple of fellow bloggers. Many days reading their blogs have lifted me up when down, but this past week, they have needed the lifting. I want them to know that I am praying for each of them and love them as much as I can in this blog world. I pray for comfort and peace to surround them and that they will have all the support they need to help them through such a difficult time. First there is Kitty, who is going through a m/c and whether you have been through that or not, the pain is indescribeable. And then there is S.I.F. (who I don't even know her 1st name?), but it doesn't matter because she went through a failed IVF cycle and her pain is as real as yours and mine. I want these ladies to know that we are here for them, so if you get a chance, please go give 'em some love and hugs.....
I love all you Ladies and want to thank you all for the support that you give me and I hate that we are going through this, but know that we have to keep Faith.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
This is it....
I'm finally on CD 2 or 3. After a week of mild spotting, I'm finally having a regular or at least semi-regular AF. I am used to a much heavier and painful one, but hey, the fact that she is finally visiting...suits me. I just figured up the days since my last regular AF, this would be CD104... WHOA, more than 100 days.
In my mind right now, I am pretty much done TTC. There are so many things that life is throwing my way that TTC just doesn't fit in there. We have hit our 2 1/2 year mark and even though I know many more have made it way past this long ago, I'm finding that my faith had been diminishing little by little and I was becoming a person that I didn't necessarily like. My faith is getting stronger day by day and I don't want to lose it so it may just be easier to give up on this TTC plan. I haven't been blogging for this reason. I still follow my friends' blogs, but I just don't feel 'it' anymore. I'm sure I will change my mind on this in the near future so I am keeping my blog to remind me of all feelings and experiences. I will also be updating as those thoughts change my mind.
Much baby dust goes out to those needing it.
In my mind right now, I am pretty much done TTC. There are so many things that life is throwing my way that TTC just doesn't fit in there. We have hit our 2 1/2 year mark and even though I know many more have made it way past this long ago, I'm finding that my faith had been diminishing little by little and I was becoming a person that I didn't necessarily like. My faith is getting stronger day by day and I don't want to lose it so it may just be easier to give up on this TTC plan. I haven't been blogging for this reason. I still follow my friends' blogs, but I just don't feel 'it' anymore. I'm sure I will change my mind on this in the near future so I am keeping my blog to remind me of all feelings and experiences. I will also be updating as those thoughts change my mind.
Much baby dust goes out to those needing it.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
AF Update
The update is there is no AF.. WHAT???
Last night I was sick and went to the restroom and I thought that I had full blown AF, I used something which I changed before I went to bed and saw one big clot on it... Then this morning went to change again at 3:00a.m., yes I'm up that early, and nothing...not ONE drop. And as of now, still nothing....SO, am I on CD84, or was that AF???!!
Last night I was sick and went to the restroom and I thought that I had full blown AF, I used something which I changed before I went to bed and saw one big clot on it... Then this morning went to change again at 3:00a.m., yes I'm up that early, and nothing...not ONE drop. And as of now, still nothing....SO, am I on CD84, or was that AF???!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
There she blows
CD1
F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!
After 83 days of no bleeding and getting hopes that last that whole time that I o'd and didn't know it and possibly could turn up preggers, AF rained on my parade again. My longest C in history to date.... I'm so messed up right now. I can't even cry because I'm so pissed! My insides feel like someone ripped them out and handed them to me.
F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!
After 83 days of no bleeding and getting hopes that last that whole time that I o'd and didn't know it and possibly could turn up preggers, AF rained on my parade again. My longest C in history to date.... I'm so messed up right now. I can't even cry because I'm so pissed! My insides feel like someone ripped them out and handed them to me.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wow
CD76
WTH? You read it right, I am now on CD76. I can't believe that in April I was cycle buddies with 4 or 5 of my blogger friends and now, one of them just blogged about her 3rd AF since then.
So I talked to my mom a couple weeks ago about the whole, endo, fibroids, PCOS thing. I am not diagnosed with PCOS, but I suspect I have it. Anyway, turns out when she had her hysterectomy because of the cysts and possible cancer, she probably had PCOS too. This was about 15 years ago so not much was known of PCOS, but they did tell her that she had bunches of cysts that would come at AF time and then some would stay and some would go. From what I have read and been told, many docs can tell you if you have PCOS by doing an u/s on CD3 because they can see the 'bunch' of cysts then. Is that right? If so, that could explain why I wasn't diagnosed, I believe my u/s to dx was way toward the midcycle and was about 6 years ago. I really want the blood test confirmation.
This, however, will have to wait. We are very strapped right now. We moved her 4 months ago and we are making our bills, but we have money for NOTHING else. I am now diligently looking for a job. We thought we would be ok with me staying home, but turns out if we want to do anything besides just pay bills or if we want an emergency fund, I must get off my butt and return to the workforce.
Sorry I have been so random, I guess when you are really depressed, you don't really want to blog about all the crap in your mind. There is alot of good going on with us, but its hard to see through the clouds to see the rainbow or sun.
WTH? You read it right, I am now on CD76. I can't believe that in April I was cycle buddies with 4 or 5 of my blogger friends and now, one of them just blogged about her 3rd AF since then.
So I talked to my mom a couple weeks ago about the whole, endo, fibroids, PCOS thing. I am not diagnosed with PCOS, but I suspect I have it. Anyway, turns out when she had her hysterectomy because of the cysts and possible cancer, she probably had PCOS too. This was about 15 years ago so not much was known of PCOS, but they did tell her that she had bunches of cysts that would come at AF time and then some would stay and some would go. From what I have read and been told, many docs can tell you if you have PCOS by doing an u/s on CD3 because they can see the 'bunch' of cysts then. Is that right? If so, that could explain why I wasn't diagnosed, I believe my u/s to dx was way toward the midcycle and was about 6 years ago. I really want the blood test confirmation.
This, however, will have to wait. We are very strapped right now. We moved her 4 months ago and we are making our bills, but we have money for NOTHING else. I am now diligently looking for a job. We thought we would be ok with me staying home, but turns out if we want to do anything besides just pay bills or if we want an emergency fund, I must get off my butt and return to the workforce.
Sorry I have been so random, I guess when you are really depressed, you don't really want to blog about all the crap in your mind. There is alot of good going on with us, but its hard to see through the clouds to see the rainbow or sun.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Fool Me
Not just once but all the time!!! AF is constantly throwing curve balls at me and I always feel like a newbie when it comes to TTC because I never know what is happening next in my C.
I am now at what should be the end of another C and had some weird spotting, just after BD'ing...nothing there now. Not sure whether this means I might actually get AF or just a little spotting like I did around a month ago. In any event, I guess I just keep on trekking! I wish I could revert back to the old saying, Fool Me Once, but I just have no idea what the hell is going on with my body. I'm emotionally unstable. I was in a good place my last post but now I'm not. And this is how my life has become. EMOTIONALLY unstable wreck! I don't know if I'm wasting tears thinking that this is AF or hoping it to be so that I can move on. I don't even make sense to myself anymore. I feel like I used to know my body so well, now I know that I have no control and no idea what it is doing or will do.
On the non-TTC note, it is so fun to see everyone change their blogs and update!
I am now at what should be the end of another C and had some weird spotting, just after BD'ing...nothing there now. Not sure whether this means I might actually get AF or just a little spotting like I did around a month ago. In any event, I guess I just keep on trekking! I wish I could revert back to the old saying, Fool Me Once, but I just have no idea what the hell is going on with my body. I'm emotionally unstable. I was in a good place my last post but now I'm not. And this is how my life has become. EMOTIONALLY unstable wreck! I don't know if I'm wasting tears thinking that this is AF or hoping it to be so that I can move on. I don't even make sense to myself anymore. I feel like I used to know my body so well, now I know that I have no control and no idea what it is doing or will do.
On the non-TTC note, it is so fun to see everyone change their blogs and update!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Changes
Time for a Change.. Seriously! I know I have said it before, but I need an overhaul. I need to be better at blogging, better at TTC, better at being a wife & mother.
I'll start by overhauling the blog. That is a good, easy place. I have been trying extra hard to be a better mom and wife, I don't have alot of patience, but I'm working on it.
I still haven't seen an AF since early May and I don't know what the crap is going on, but I have insurance now so I just need to find a good Doc. That may help me work on the TTC part. I feel like I am in a good place emotionally right now. I'm not overly stressed by TTC, but I am still sensitive to it. That is one NICE change.
I'll start by overhauling the blog. That is a good, easy place. I have been trying extra hard to be a better mom and wife, I don't have alot of patience, but I'm working on it.
I still haven't seen an AF since early May and I don't know what the crap is going on, but I have insurance now so I just need to find a good Doc. That may help me work on the TTC part. I feel like I am in a good place emotionally right now. I'm not overly stressed by TTC, but I am still sensitive to it. That is one NICE change.
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