Oh No

So last month I got to experience the joy of the nasty AF with quite a few of my fellow TTC bloggers. Guess what, a few of them hit CD1 this weekend. That means she is soon to come to me. But as to when, I have no clue since I have not been actively TTC. I have been making myself not pay attention to CM, not taking temps, no OPK's....etc. Now, because I thought I was being clever, I'm gonna drive myself crazy because I don't know if/when I O'd. I do know that in the last 2 1/2 years, I have only had one C that I don't think I O'd, so hope is there that I O'd or will O. But also in those last couple years I have had 3 C's lasting more than 35 days. Oh, how I can't wait for DH to officially be hired in as a perm so that we only have 30 days to insurance again, that will be a countdown!

As for AF, I hope that she doesn't come, but am pretty sure that she will...I just wish she wouldn't be such a tease. On a brighter note, last month I had 24 days of spotting and so far this month, none to date. But I'm sure that when I get off the computer and go use the restroom, I will now find spotting as I'm sure that I just gave the hag more ideas of how to taunt me. All I can say, "Bring It On!" cause I'm ready and waiting since I know my CB have seen her.

Let Me Get This Straight

I saw this on my FB and I thought long and hard before posting for fear of offending anyone...but decided, screw it, it is the way I feel and this is my blog. However, I do not feel this way for LEGAL immigrants who enter our country through the process that was created by our government. Did I mention that my children's birth father is illegal and hence I may have more ill feelings than most. I receive absolutely no child support because he has no social security number to hold him accountable. I can't terminate his rights without a long process and allow my husband to adopt them for the same reason. I know that this can be conceived as my problem since I bore children with him, but on my own defense, I didn't know when I thought I loved him that he was illegal. And while I believe ignorance is no excuse, deception can be right?! I don't regret being with him because I have my children, but I do wish that he weren't the father. Now, to the thing I saw on FB... Here it is...sorry it is in ALL Caps but I didn't want to re-type it all..





IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT

IF YOU CROSS THE UNITED STATES BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - A LOBBYIST ON YOUR BEHALF IN WASHINGTON,
11 - MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT IN THE UNITED STATES.

Hard Day

About 3 months ago, I posted about a friend that passed. Not a day goes without something happening to make me think about her. Today the school bus was really late so I decided to drive the kids to school since I didn't want them to miss out on breakfast. On the way back home, I approached the sub-division that she lived in. I turned in, I didn't even remember where she lived for sure, but I had an idea. I went past a house that I was sure was her's, even though it turns out her's was next to. Anyway, I have no idea why I went to the house, on my way home I could do nothing but think about her and talk out loud to her. I came home and texted another friend of ours and she told me about this song she can no longer listen too. It is beautiful and I can't find anything more fitting. It is by Al.an Jack.son.

Sis.sy Song

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

I've thought about this alot...

and I really don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to be a triggery to anyone. If you are in a bad TTC frame of mind right now, or feeling pretty hopeless, you may not want to read further.

I have several friends on here that don't have a child yet. They are struggling with IF and the hurt that it causes everyday. One of the things that causes hurt or trigger pain is the celebration of Mother's Day. I understand the pain that it could cause. I am very fortunate not to feel the whole affect, but I understand. I want my friends who are not mothers yet know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. And to me.....

You ARE a mother! This day is just as much about you as it is me. You may not have physical children but you are more of a mother than many that I know. You were born with motherly instinct and you are a mother. I love you dearly and so will many heaven children if you don't happen to have them here on this earth. I believe that even if you aren't a mother yet and may not be on this earth, you will prevail in Heaven. To me a mother isn't just any woman who has a child, it is a state of mind. It is a woman with a loving, kind, caring soul that helps others by teaching them and being there...guess what, That is you!

More Beginnings

I have had a very heavy heart most of my life. I have 2 seperate families as my mother and father divorced when I was a baby. I have alway felt that when I was with each family that I couldn't really talk about or love the other family while in their presence. I grew up always feeling like I didn't know where I belonged because I felt like I only 1/2 belonged to each side.

When I was 15 years old I moved in with my dad during the summer. That summer he met and married his current wife who had 4 kids. After she and her kids moved in, I had a friend that I snuck out to be with one night at the advice of my older step sister who in turn went and woke up my dad and told him. Things got crazy and I went back to live with my mom. They never spoke to me again. They moved to Kentucky. It wasn't until I had my 2 children that we let each other back in each others lives. I whole heartedly gave my all to try and make the relationship work. When I moved to Alabama to be with my husband something changed. We no longer really kept as good track anymore. But we were on each others face.book and I still felt I could get in contact if needed. Well, everyday I'm hurt because I see their comments to my step-mom's kids and how they are and I have made numerous posts and messages without anything in return.

As part of my NEW BEGINNINGS, I'm letting go of things that don't benefit me, my kids or my life. I deleted them off of my facebook, all of them. I actually did a pretty big overhaul and deleted all the 'friends' on my facebook that I just added because I knew them. I only left people that I care about and actually comment and follow on. I'm tired of having this heavy burden on my heart and in my life and I just hope and pray that I wasn't hasty and made the right decision. I have been thinking about it for a very long time.

New Beginnings

Its time that I look at my current situation as a "New Beginning".  I have the opportunity to do many things and I have a very supportive husband to stand with me not in front or behind me. I decided no more BCPs for me, they made me crazy sick and moody and just YUCKY! Also, I decided that the only reason I was taking them was so that the endo wouldn't hurt so bad, YEAH DIDN'T HELP...so, I'm just going it alone and I'm not worried about an accidental pregnancy because we are still in the TTC family and any surprise would be welcome even if it is highly doubtful.

To celebrate my New Beginning, I decided to get my haircut so I would stop just putting it in the same old ponytail. I wanted something about shoulder length with long layers as I have alot of hair and didn't want to look like I had a football helmet for a head. I also didn't want to go too short because of my size and the shape of my face. As you can see by the pics, the stylist got a little scissor happy, but its ok, hopefully it will grow out a little soon. I'm ok with it, even though it isn't exactly what I wanted. I'm seeing the positive in it, can you tell? Score one for optimism.

I left the salon and came home and just did a little scrunch style as I had to run errands yesterday. I do like that I will be able to just scrunch or do a little flip up or straight action and can make it work. Man, I can't wait until it grows out just a little...

Bright and Early Monday

Well, maybe its not bright, but its definitely early, 3:41 a.m. to be exact. The only thing that makes it "ok" for me to be up this early is to know that we are extremely lucky for Wendell to have found a good job and be working so fast after moving here. He started out working 9 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday, this week begins the 10 hr days and 8 hrs on Saturday. I am thankful there is work and for my hard-working husband, I love him very much!

But, yes there is a BUT. But, I feel so low. I am not working right now. I am starting to feel like I'm not doing enough. He is working his butt off and I'm at home. He is so loving and supportive and keeps telling me that he wants me to be at home if thats what I want. I do want that, plus work something part time while the kids are in school. But my guilt comes from knowing that as we are starting all over here in UT, things are tighter and we are having to work our way back in. He is working through a temp service for a few more weeks until actually being hired through the company and getting better pay. Granted I know that this overtime is required and he isn't volunteering just to support us, I feel really guilty. I've never been in the situation where I wasn't contributing something financially to the family and I'm now there and its hard for me.

Sorry, maybe I'm rambling for the lack of sleep or something, but this has been weighing on me alot and had to get it out.