My Candle

Here is the candle that I lit at 7:00p.m. tonight in memory of the miscarriages I have had and the losses that my dear friends have had. I would light it even if I hadn't suffered loss myself but tonight I let in the memories that I pushed out of my mind and I brought all of them back and I'm facing a hard night. But I'm ok. I believe that we are all ok. We will meet our angels again.

Trip to the ER

Yep, I went to the ER last night. Apparently that sharp pain that radiated just above my va-jay-jay and went all through me was a cyst bursting. I'm on CD57, no spotting or midcycle bleeding thus far but its an extra long C again. Last night I sat down at my computer chair to catch up on email/blogging/FB and pain set in so bad I hardly made it to my bedroom without the kids noticing. I hate drs and ERs and everytime I probably needed to go, I haven't. I was in so much pain I told my DH to get me there. I called my lovely mom who was at work and she met us there so she could take my kids home with her and I waited to be seen.

This all happened around 8:00p.m. and I got home a little after midnight. So what did they do in 4 hours? NOTHING! This is why I don't go to the flippin' emergency room or clinic. They didn't even do an ultrasound or a check or anything. They took some blood to make sure I wasn't pregnant, but I already told them I wasn't and I should know since I take a Gazillion tests in hope each month. Then, 4 hours later, they gave me a shot of pain med and said to come back if it got worse or I was bleeding. NICE. Thank you for a $100 ER visit to get a pain med shot. I should have stayed home and took a flippin' Lortab that I have already. I don't doubt there diagnosis since I've been thinking about PCOS a lot this year with the 2-3 month cycles, but can you at least check me or do an ultrasound for hell sake?

And to be completely honest, I'm avoiding the OBGYN at all costs because deep down, I know that its time to get serious about a hysterectomy and I can't even handle that emotionally right now.

Work Woes

Ok, so I'm about to post a novel about work frustration, or the lack thereof.. Hopefully I won't bore you too bad.

I have always worked full time in a clerical/billing setting and loved it. In Jan 2005 I got my dream job. I worked at the non-profit hospital doing financial assistance for patients who couldn't pay their bills due to lack of insurance or just poverty stricken. I loved it. Then a job came open to be a Medicare biller, I thought I would love to learn it as it would further advance me. I caught on quick and loved it. In Jan 2008, just after meeting my 'now' husband, my ex's family showed up on my doorstep on a Sunday night. Things were not good as my ex is not legally here in the US and I have always been afraid that he could at anytime try to take my kids and run and I would never be able to find them. Anyway, back to that night. It was kinda nerve racking and I had to make a decision to either stay and chance that or have the opportunity to move to Alabama with my husband. I chose the latter. I talked to my boss that Monday morning and let him know how sorry I was, but I couldn't leave a notice, I explained the situation and he seemed very empathetic and I thought things were ok. There were 4 other billers that could take my work until he got someone new. I even spoke to him a few times after and never felt anything wrong. While I don't like leaving without giving notice, my fears of our family safety overpowered that.

Fast forward to today. I have been on numerous interviews and even applied for my old job. I haven't gotten any of these jobs and I got a denial email on the one for my old job, no interview. Then I received a couple emails from a few different friends that also work there and they pretty much said not to use him as a reference and one even asked me to make sure I wasn't using him as a reference. I knew something was wrong at this point but I thought that I had covered my bases. So, I emailed him to see. No response. I emailed him again and apologized once more that I had to leave the way I did and offered an even more in depth apology. No response. I'm not getting a job and its because of him. I emailed the HR lady to see why I didn't qualify for an interview for the job I once held and she responded it is because the hiring manager doesn't wish to interview me..guess who the hiring manager is..that's right old boss. I'm being black-balled from everything I apply for now even though I thought things were squared away.

I understand his frustration with me or him not wanting to hire me back, but he has obviously bad-mouthed me to coworkers because of the emails they sent me. I feel awful. Doesn't it matter that for the time I was there, I never once called in sick and I went beyond my own duties to help out others. I was a good employeed and even other supervisors there have offered to be a reference. Do I not deserve a 2nd chance? How would you feel in this situation?

Versatile Blogger

Wahoo, an award.. Thank you Angie!

Here are the rules:

•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award

•share seven things about yourself
•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award


7 things about me (wow this is hard):

1. I'm too hard on myself. Even when things aren't my fault, I blame myself.
2. I'm not that good at being a friend, in that I mean that I'm not good with phone calls, texts, or even emails. I love my friends dearly and would do anything for them, but its hard for me lately. I just wanna be a hermit most days, its getting sad.
3. I've never seen clearly how people see me until lately, its a real eye-opener.
4. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years now and as much as I love it, I know I need to work. Problem is, I can't convince anyone that I'm better than the other 200 applicants.
5. I hate shopping. I only like to go when it is for a specific thing and it something really fun or expensive.
6. I'm gaining weight daily and I'm almost to the point I thought I would never be.
7. I love to cook, probably part of the blame for Number 6. Also, I love watching food network and could do it all day.

7 people I wanna know about (Sorry if you've already been nominated):
Sherry
E
Jayme
J
Robin
Leah
Sweet Pea

Day 30

A Dream for the Future...

Phew, I made it! I can't believe I have written 30 posts in 30 days... Lets see, a dream for the future. Well, I kinda touched on this a little yesterday and an obvious answer for any TTC'er would be a healthy pregnancy followed with the birth of a healthy baby. But, I also would like just to be happy. I dream that my family will be happy. While I know that there will always be trials and tribulations, I dream and hope that everything will be ok for my family and that we will live a 'happy' life.

Day 29

Hopes, Dreams and Plans for the next 365 days...

Hmm, I must admit that I haven't really thought alot about this. I do have a few things that are clearcut in my mind as hopes/dreams and goals...

1st - I'm still trying to find at least a part time job and this is proving to be difficult after a year of really active looking, I feel I'll be lucky to find one by the new year and I'm hopeful that I'll find one by this time next year.

2nd - Of course there is a baby somewhere in the dream, at least to be pregnant with one ready to come within the next year... We are TAB now because of money issues, but still hoping it passes soon.

3rd - I actually just hope for good health for my family. That we won't have any major illnesses or even many minor ones.

As for my plans, I kind of throw plans out the window because they never quite work as I'd like, but I would like to pay our home completely off or at least a good chunk out of it. Also, it is my goal to go to the temple and get married to my husband in the next year. I have a dream that all of us bloggers are rich enough to plan a huge convention/vacation and get to meet each other and have a GRAND ole time. :)

Day 28

Inside the Handbag/Purse

Let me just start off by saying that I hate purses and I always have, I have never been the type to want to carry around a purse and up until I had children I would shove things in pocket or find the smallest purse I could. Then came kids, which I loved because I got away with a diaper bag and just put my stuff in there too... Now I have a regular sized purse that carries the normal stuff, i.e. wallet, checkbook, pens and gum.. and it also carries fruit snacks, napkins, wipes, bandaids, and a bunch of papers that somehow get given to me at different stores, clinics or schools and I just shove them in there until I clean it out. My purse is not huge and doesn't have a bunch of stuff in it compared to others I have seen, but my DH still teases me about my 50 lb bag.. :)