Fool Me

Not just once but all the time!!! AF is constantly throwing curve balls at me and I always feel like a newbie when it comes to TTC because I never know what is happening next in my C.

I am now at what should be the end of another C and had some weird spotting, just after BD'ing...nothing there now. Not sure whether this means I might actually get AF or just a little spotting like I did around a month ago. In any event, I guess I just keep on trekking! I wish I could revert back to the old saying, Fool Me Once, but I just have no idea what the hell is going on with my body. I'm emotionally unstable. I was in a good place my last post but now I'm not. And this is how my life has become. EMOTIONALLY unstable wreck! I don't know if I'm wasting tears thinking that this is AF or hoping it to be so that I can move on. I don't even make sense to myself anymore. I feel like I used to know my body so well, now I know that I have no control and no idea what it is doing or will do.

On the non-TTC note, it is so fun to see everyone change their blogs and update!

Changes

Time for a Change.. Seriously! I know I have said it before, but I need an overhaul. I need to be better at blogging, better at TTC, better at being a wife & mother.

I'll start by overhauling the blog. That is a good, easy place. I have been trying extra hard to be a better mom and wife, I don't have alot of patience, but I'm working on it.

I still haven't seen an AF since early May and I don't know what the crap is going on, but I have insurance now so I just need to find a good Doc. That may help me work on the TTC part. I feel like I am in a good place emotionally right now. I'm not overly stressed by TTC, but I am still sensitive to it. That is one NICE change.

About time....

CD 45 and guess what.... EWCM. And an abundance of it to boot. WTH?????

I had some spotting, very light spotting around CD26 and about the same time all my previous CB's saw AF, I wonder if that was supposed to be my AF and I didn't ovulate that C. I don't know whether this is a new C and I'm on like CD19 of a new C or whether this is a LOOONNNGGG drawn out C. I did take BCP in the month of March so that could have messed my April C up. In any event I had an abundance of EWCM and I don't get that often if at all. Dang that I'm TAB so not temping or OPK'ing. I think for giggles I will temp tomorrow a.m. just to see what it looks like.

Oh No

So last month I got to experience the joy of the nasty AF with quite a few of my fellow TTC bloggers. Guess what, a few of them hit CD1 this weekend. That means she is soon to come to me. But as to when, I have no clue since I have not been actively TTC. I have been making myself not pay attention to CM, not taking temps, no OPK's....etc. Now, because I thought I was being clever, I'm gonna drive myself crazy because I don't know if/when I O'd. I do know that in the last 2 1/2 years, I have only had one C that I don't think I O'd, so hope is there that I O'd or will O. But also in those last couple years I have had 3 C's lasting more than 35 days. Oh, how I can't wait for DH to officially be hired in as a perm so that we only have 30 days to insurance again, that will be a countdown!

As for AF, I hope that she doesn't come, but am pretty sure that she will...I just wish she wouldn't be such a tease. On a brighter note, last month I had 24 days of spotting and so far this month, none to date. But I'm sure that when I get off the computer and go use the restroom, I will now find spotting as I'm sure that I just gave the hag more ideas of how to taunt me. All I can say, "Bring It On!" cause I'm ready and waiting since I know my CB have seen her.

Let Me Get This Straight

I saw this on my FB and I thought long and hard before posting for fear of offending anyone...but decided, screw it, it is the way I feel and this is my blog. However, I do not feel this way for LEGAL immigrants who enter our country through the process that was created by our government. Did I mention that my children's birth father is illegal and hence I may have more ill feelings than most. I receive absolutely no child support because he has no social security number to hold him accountable. I can't terminate his rights without a long process and allow my husband to adopt them for the same reason. I know that this can be conceived as my problem since I bore children with him, but on my own defense, I didn't know when I thought I loved him that he was illegal. And while I believe ignorance is no excuse, deception can be right?! I don't regret being with him because I have my children, but I do wish that he weren't the father. Now, to the thing I saw on FB... Here it is...sorry it is in ALL Caps but I didn't want to re-type it all..





IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT

IF YOU CROSS THE UNITED STATES BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - A LOBBYIST ON YOUR BEHALF IN WASHINGTON,
11 - MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT IN THE UNITED STATES.

Hard Day

About 3 months ago, I posted about a friend that passed. Not a day goes without something happening to make me think about her. Today the school bus was really late so I decided to drive the kids to school since I didn't want them to miss out on breakfast. On the way back home, I approached the sub-division that she lived in. I turned in, I didn't even remember where she lived for sure, but I had an idea. I went past a house that I was sure was her's, even though it turns out her's was next to. Anyway, I have no idea why I went to the house, on my way home I could do nothing but think about her and talk out loud to her. I came home and texted another friend of ours and she told me about this song she can no longer listen too. It is beautiful and I can't find anything more fitting. It is by Al.an Jack.son.

Sis.sy Song

Why did she have to go

So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

I've thought about this alot...

and I really don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to be a triggery to anyone. If you are in a bad TTC frame of mind right now, or feeling pretty hopeless, you may not want to read further.

I have several friends on here that don't have a child yet. They are struggling with IF and the hurt that it causes everyday. One of the things that causes hurt or trigger pain is the celebration of Mother's Day. I understand the pain that it could cause. I am very fortunate not to feel the whole affect, but I understand. I want my friends who are not mothers yet know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. And to me.....

You ARE a mother! This day is just as much about you as it is me. You may not have physical children but you are more of a mother than many that I know. You were born with motherly instinct and you are a mother. I love you dearly and so will many heaven children if you don't happen to have them here on this earth. I believe that even if you aren't a mother yet and may not be on this earth, you will prevail in Heaven. To me a mother isn't just any woman who has a child, it is a state of mind. It is a woman with a loving, kind, caring soul that helps others by teaching them and being there...guess what, That is you!