False Hope

You would think that after so long TTC that you could look at a HPT and know that there is either 1 line or 2 lines. Not for this TTC'er, I see faint lines..often...I am tricking myself I know only to be disappointed!! Yes, I know, I need to be smacked with some kind of reality stick and just realize that it isn't gonna happen, but I'm not ready to give up! I am 11DPO and I am now spotting but at 9DPO I caved in and took a test, yes I saw a shadow of a line in the time frame and so did DH. Yesterday, I still saw a shadow line, but it actually looked lighter than the day before and I started cramping reallllllllly bad..so I'm figuring if anything, probably a chemical pregnancy..right?! Man, why did I test? If I wouldnt have, I wouldn't have seen a line and gotten me and DH's hopes up again. Now I'm just waiting for AF with the undying hope that she will get lost and won't show for about 280 days...he he.. Could I get so lucky? Probably not. :( Still crossing my fingers though.

Almost situated..

First thing is first, I have to brag on the fact that I am finally back to a normal Cycle after 7 mos. I O'd on CD 16 and should have about a 27 day C!!!!!! Haven't had one since November! YAY!

Now, to the title....almost situated. I hate to be so settled into my new home but at the same time, still so many things that are unsettled. We have internet...YAY, but I need to get a new wireless router so I can use my laptop. See my desktop is so old and slow that I pretty much can't do anything on it and its only purpose really is for the kids to use and for the cable modem to be hooked up to. I can't post on WebMD because it freezes on me and I'm going through serious withdrawals...so to all you WebMD friends, I'm still here and miss you all! I can't really follow blogs because after clicking maybe 2-3 blogs, my computer freezes! Gotta love that. But I'm not complaining too much because at least I have something.

POSSIBLE *Trigs* ALERT! On another note, I wanna through out many hugs to a friend going through another m/c. Kristen, you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I miss everyone and hope to be back on the boards/blogs soon! Many thoughts go out to each of you!

nothin' new TTC wise..but

So it has been a very uneventful C thus far. I'm on CD8 and I must admit that since my m/c in May, my last 2 AF visits have actually been bearable. With my endo and fibroids I generally have 3 Hell Days that I just can't stand, literally. But the last 2 C's, I have only had AF visit for 3 days and they have been fairly light to medium, no huge cramps either....I don't know what to think about this but I'm thankful. However with such light AF, I am worried about my lining. Guess I'll have to wait and see what this C brings.

On other news, we are moving. We currently live in Enterprise, AL and my husband works about an hour away, so we have decided that it would save us big to move closer. The house we are moving to is a lot better than where we live now and comes with so many benefits! To check out benefits and pictures, check out my non-TTC blog: www.foreverinbama.blogspot.com.

Well, this is all for now... Guess I could hope that no news is good news!

All Aboard the AF train....

Yep, its official... I hopped on the train this morning, damn it!!!!!!! A train I hate to ride but seem to have no choice or no other destination. I am so full of self pity right now! It hurts SOOO much. Even with the endo and fibroids, the physical pain is a walk in the park compared to the emotional pain.

I do want to tell my Dear Husband I'm sorry for the attitude this morning, I also know that this has been the most heart-breaking cycle for him too.

I don't know what else to say.....

Silly hubby....

I love my silly hubby. On Sunday I told my hubby that I was going to the dollar store and he said, "How many are you gonna get?" I was like HUH?! He was like you know the little pink boxes, and at that point I realized he was talking about PG tests. I was like hun, I'm only 3 DPO so I'm not getting any, just toilet paper and snacks. I guess me going to the dollar store = PG tests....lol. He then proceeded to tell me that he knows this is our C. Which kinda surprises me cause he is usually the more realistic one that is a little more negative. So he gives me hope. He even asked when we could test...I was like not for another week.... Sorry had to share!

OMG....I can't believe it

I read this post on the pregnancy board on Web.Md... I know why torture myself, but I couldn't help respond. Possible trigs for my fellow TTCers..

http://boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.89deda7f!thdchild=.89deda7f

SOOOOO Many Emotions Today!

***Warning, possible TRIGS in post***

Excited, Thankful, Nervous, Anxious, Sorry, and Thrilled.

I am going through many emotions right now. On one hand I am so happy to be going back "home" and taking my 2 kids back to see family and friends. On the other, I'm really nervous about the plane ride and my little girl, who has a very mild version of Cer.e.bral Pa.lsy. I'm nervous about her ears being able to take the altitude adjustments. I'm worried about her tendency to lose blad.der con.trol. I just hope and pray that everything goes ok. Also, this is the first time that me and DH have been apart since being married. We've only been married for a year and a half, so to me it still feels like being newlyweds. Its gonna be hard to leave him for 2 weeks. Funny to say that, because I have never felt like this in my entire life so it just reassures the fact that I was with the wrong person the 1st time around. I find it such a relief that my children and DH have such a close bond. If you didn't know different, you would think they were his...and I wish they were. I would love nothing more than to have a child with him. Not that it makes my children any less, because I am so very thankful for them. I feel very blessed and love them more than I can ever describe.

Which leads me to thinking about my TTC efforts. I wish that I could do something to help all of my fellow TTC'ers. I wish that I could give them a magic pill so that they could also experience this motherhood. I feel so guilty sometimes that I have children already and that there are so many without. Some days it is really hard for me because I want to offer so much support to others, but I don't know if I'm much help to others. The last thing that I want to do is cause pain to someone else TTC and I hope and pray that I don't ever make someone feel bad or "throw it in their face that I already have children". Because honestly, if I wasn't blessed with children, it would be hard for me to hear from others that already have them.

I just want to tell all the ladies who are in this TTC journey with me that I am so thankful for the support and love that I feel. I hope that I don't make anyone feel badly, and pray that I can help by offering advice and support. You ladies mean a lot to me and I don't even "know" you.