Be Prepared..this is my vent

So here I am wishing that I could announce my trigs and that I am done on the TTC journey, but not this time. I have had the craziest cycle and I had given up hope of being pregnant and just wasn't feeling it, when I being the "pee on a stick" addict that I am....took several tests this weekend that were positive.

I went in for a blood test Monday...HcG: 21... Not a very good number. I was still spotting only with wipe at this point and didn't figure this was a good sign. Then Tuesday, I was no longer spotting and it was more of a very light flow, went to the ER nervous and scared and they re-tested: HcG: 54... What? More than doubled..Wahoo.. That was good right? WRONG. Went in this morning for f/u testing.. HcG: 17...

I am now officially miscarrying and flow is getting stronger.... I feel like SHIT! I just want to go to bed and never get out again! I was sad, then ok, now sad and mad. I am an emotional train wreck! I know that I really want to be ok with this and I know that it just isn't the right time according to the Lord's plan...but my selfish self JUST WANTS A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can anyone hear me? I think I am a good mom, I know I already have children...but I think that I could offer love and support to another, along with my dear husband.

And then there is that...my dear husband. Who gets told "I'm Pregnant!" then "I'm probably miscarrying cause my number is low" then "I'm Pregnant and my number Doubled.." now, "I'm sorry, but I really am miscarrying now". I feel like he did his part...he got me pregnant....but what the heck is wrong with me that I can't stay pregnant? Logically I know that there is a 20% chance of miscarrying in the 1st trimester and 50% chance if you are bleeding, so I should never have gotten my hopes up...but I was suckered in..